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Question
Posted by: Downhill | 2011/03/23

Out of the marital home

I moved out of my marital home this weekend, with my 3 kids to my parents house. This after my husband and I had been piling on issues since January, until the anger exploded into a physial struggle which saw me admitted to hospital for 2 nights. What hurt me the most is that as things were being cleared from each room, my husband would immediately lock it. He also took off the baby''s pictures on the walls and threw them in with my things. I couldn''t help wondering - who have I been married to all these years, why does he know distrust me this much?
I''ve tried countless times to talk to him, even asked one of his relatives to facilitate a talk, I would break down as I was packing and even told him that it''s not what I wanted, I wanted out to work things out. His response - it''s out of my hands, it''s been decided by the gods/ amadlozi. There''s nothing I can do about it" . I don''t even know what this is - are we separating and working on the issues? Are we completely over? He didn''t want to answer any of those.
I couldn''t help wondering - is what we had so unimportant to him that he is not even able to at least say one word " sorry" , or two at the most " don''t go" . Why is it that when I was expressing regret and apologies - he couldn''t say the same? Is the desire to be right so great that he would end his marriage the way he did? Could he just let me go just like that?
I know we have both not being entirely perfect, but I feel he let our marriage end in a cowardly way. We were married traditionally so I''m just waiting for the elders from the two families to discuss this and then it will be completely over for me. I don''t have the strength to go the legal route of getting a divorce etc, because the marriage was not yet registered. But shuu, it hurts man!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its sad when people try to blame "the gods" / amadlozi for the decisions they themselves made, avoiding taking personal responsibility for their actions. Once lawyers get involved, such claims won't hold up too well in court. If it is handled by the elders, I wonder how they will view his behaviour.
Sadly, some people will sacrifice almost anyone and anything to avoid admitting to themselves or others that they have been wrong.
Sorry to hear about this, of course it hurts, espeially because you are a good person in a bad situation

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Kati | 2011/03/24

You dont mention the quality of life you have had with your husband , if your relation has been turbulent , emotionally unfilling and if your hubby has been cheating then I suggest you get yourself a good lawyer for maintenance at least an then just give yourself a chance to heal, one day soon you will wake up feeling the sun is just so bright and shining directly on you.

My mom has been through everything you have and now if asked she says it is the best thing that has ever happened to her.
... I agree

Reply to Kati
Posted by: Kate | 2011/03/23

Matbe he has someone else on the side and therefore wants you out of the way asap, aside from not wanting to admit his wrongs and say sorry.

Reply to Kate
Posted by: Quzimodo | 2011/03/23

How sad, another relationship bites the dust.

Reply to Quzimodo
Posted by: Sam | 2011/03/23

Hello Downhill - this sounds very harsh and heavy handed by your husband  unnecessary behaviour. Although you were not legally married as such you and your children still have rights - and your husband has responsibilities. You need to see a good lawyer asap to start looking at what maintenance etc. you can expect asap for the good of yourself and your children.

Reply to Sam
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/23

Its sad when people try to blame "the gods" / amadlozi for the decisions they themselves made, avoiding taking personal responsibility for their actions. Once lawyers get involved, such claims won't hold up too well in court. If it is handled by the elders, I wonder how they will view his behaviour.
Sadly, some people will sacrifice almost anyone and anything to avoid admitting to themselves or others that they have been wrong.
Sorry to hear about this, of course it hurts, espeially because you are a good person in a bad situation

Reply to cybershrink

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