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Question
Posted by: parents | 2012/03/07

our holiday home and stepchildren

we are married with our 5 children not living with us ages 22 to 42..together we have none

my husband has 3 children two with wife a and one with wife b and i have 2 children from my previous marriage
we have built a hoilday home over a 10 year period and of late added a granny flat so that we would have the main house to ourselves and the kids and friends could stay in the granny flat
now the problem...
can the kids invite their mother or father to the granny flat ?
i say no
my husband says only when we are not there

we need your advise

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its your place ( belonging to either of both of you ) so it is ENTIRELY your right to decide, between you, who you do and don't want to stay there - its part of your home, not a general holiday venue.
Do I understand correctly that your disagreement with your husband is that you don't want either of his ex's to stay there at any time, and he thinks its OK so long as its not when the pair of you are there ? How does he feel about your ex staying there ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/03/07

Compromise, if anyone other than a person you have spawned -or their offspring -wants to stay it is R2000 rand per night. State there are no resrictions about who these people are as long as they accompany someone who is the fruit of your or your husbands loins.
Problem solved................

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: parents | 2012/03/07

my husband has said he would not like it but would live with it...i can tell you two things with certainty ,my sons would never do it because i would not allow it and my husband will dedinitely object no matter what he says

Reply to parents
Posted by: readers reply | 2012/03/07

I have step children and we both have exes.Its not easy being the bigger person all the time,since you 2 are now together everyone expects kindness from you and the exex are expected to behave badly like its acceptable.There are plenty of holiday homes if they want to spend the holidays with their respective kids.You n ur husbands holiday home should have pleasant memories for ur family.You are going to be miserable the whole time knowing they are in " your space"  inspecting,commemting and whatever.DONT ALLOW IT.Tell him that he can pay something toward the holiday with their mothers somewhere else.

Reply to readers reply
Posted by: Realist | 2012/03/07

Its nice to be nice ! Feel good about giving someone a bit of a bargain even though you don''t have to do so. Let them pay for what they use, think of a nominal amount, dont go and take meter readings as that is small minded. As long as the place is standing empty, and you trust them not to abuse the place, why not.? A little bit of kindness will go a long way in family relationships.
It is however very personal and that is the way I would handle it.

Reply to Realist
Posted by: Jenna | 2012/03/07

I do understand that you don’ t want to –  I mean it is your house after all, your investment, etc. and quite frankly, you owe the children’ s parents nothing. BUT it would be kind hearted of your to allow it- not everyone is so lucky to be able to afford a holiday home, even a hotel room, and everyone does need a holiday once in a while.

Unless you have a REALLY good reason (they are thieves, reckless, etc) then there is no real valid reason why not. You would be showing that you are the better person (even if you don’ t want to be- I can’ t imagine what it eels like to have your ex husband stay in your home). Like your husband says, if you are not there, then why not? If they pay for the expenses of course (when the electricity and water bills come through).

You don’ t want the house to go to waste?

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: PARENTS | 2012/03/07

BUT WE DONT AGREE AND THAT IS THE PROBLEM...HOW DO WE RESOLVE THIS DISAGREEMENT?

Reply to PARENTS
Posted by: XXX | 2012/03/07

You can do whatwever you like,it is your property (&  your husband''s of course).I think it is probably expecting a bit much for the ex to be invited along but if you both agree,then just do it.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/07

Its your place ( belonging to either of both of you ) so it is ENTIRELY your right to decide, between you, who you do and don't want to stay there - its part of your home, not a general holiday venue.
Do I understand correctly that your disagreement with your husband is that you don't want either of his ex's to stay there at any time, and he thinks its OK so long as its not when the pair of you are there ? How does he feel about your ex staying there ?

Reply to cybershrink

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