Our expert says:
There are two issues here in my opinion. First, there is the betrayal. Whether with a man or a woman, he has been sexual with another in the context of a relationship where fidelity is usually assumed to be part of the deal... It may be that this betrayal aspect needs to be worked through and the trust in the relationship rebuilt. This is difficult for you both in many ways and if you want to rebuilt the relationship then beware of actions you take that undermine it...eg, asking for details that only haunt you later and erode your sexual freedom with him/grow your anger further.
The second issue is trying to make sense of his arousal to homosexual stimulii. It may seem difficult to understand, but our sexual orientation/identity is not necessarily the same as what arouses us. Many things may be arousing, but we may not choose to live a life that includes this...eg. many women have fantasies about sex with other women but don't act on this and are turned on by their male partners and identify as heterosexual. It may be that his 'orientation' is bisexual, but that he choses to be with you - this does not mean he is gay, but it may mean that he is also turned on by some men.
You two need to continue to talk about what this means for you both, how to understand it, and how to move forward and rebuild sexual trust (and enjoyment).
Claire - SASHA
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