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Question
Posted by: confused | 2011-05-23

orientation

I have recently found out that my husband has on 2 different occassions, given a man a bj. I made him explain in detail to see how far it went, and it went the whole way, and he admitted to enjoying it, both times with same friend of ours. I am very upset, because he loves sex, and is so heterosexual its frightening, he gets turned on every time he sees me naked, and we are married 16 years now, and have great sex very often, but this picture of another mans part in my husbands mouth cant get out of my head. I cant give him a bj anymore, because of this picture.
I love him, and he sais sorry, but the gay thing is disturbing, especially that he enjoyed it, even the ejaculating in his mouth, I cant make sense of this, and it has affected our sex life, I am just not horny anymore, please try to make some sense of this.
He didnt experiment as a teenager, we were married, and he was in hid thirties. I think the thought still turns him on, because the other day I asked him to explain in detail, his feelings and actions while doing it, he was naked in bed, I reached under the covers, to find his penis as hard as a rock, now I am even more concerned, although he knows it was wrong, and would never do it again, I dont want him even thinking of a penis.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

There are two issues here in my opinion. First, there is the betrayal. Whether with a man or a woman, he has been sexual with another in the context of a relationship where fidelity is usually assumed to be part of the deal... It may be that this betrayal aspect needs to be worked through and the trust in the relationship rebuilt. This is difficult for you both in many ways and if you want to rebuilt the relationship then beware of actions you take that undermine it...eg, asking for details that only haunt you later and erode your sexual freedom with him/grow your anger further.

The second issue is trying to make sense of his arousal to homosexual stimulii. It may seem difficult to understand, but our sexual orientation/identity is not necessarily the same as what arouses us. Many things may be arousing, but we may not choose to live a life that includes this...eg. many women have fantasies about sex with other women but don't act on this and are turned on by their male partners and identify as heterosexual. It may be that his 'orientation' is bisexual, but that he choses to be with you - this does not mean he is gay, but it may mean that he is also turned on by some men.

You two need to continue to talk about what this means for you both, how to understand it, and how to move forward and rebuild sexual trust (and enjoyment).

Claire - SASHA

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: Dan | 2011-05-24

If it was my hubby, I would chase him away. No man who is in his right mind want a other man -|- in his mouth.

Reply to Dan
Posted by: Anon | 2011-05-23

He clearly does not find it disgusting as well, as if he did, he would not have done it in the first place, and not have been turned on explaining it to you.

He cheated on you. Even if it was just oral, he had sex with somebody else. That is infidelity dear, has he explained how he could be unfaithful to you? That is the question I would be asking - how could you be unfaithful to me, you dirty rotten scoundrel?

Reply to Anon
Posted by: confused | 2011-05-23

Thanks experience, would like to know why you use that name, and if you are also a wife with this issue.
I found out, because he was asking me, if I had ever thought of another woman sexually, it was all casual, joking and playing with each other, when I reversed the question, I noticed him stammer, because he cant lie, and I started asking more and more, as his first answer was a brush off, once he admitted to once thinking about it, I could draw the whole truth out of him, but I must admit I was deceitful in doing this, as I approached my questioning very casual, with a sense of excitement and acceptance. I love him,will never leave him and want to move past this, just having difficulty to see him the same, and with sex.
I have tried to understand, but cant. I have tried to make it a turn on, but it disgusts me. I want him, but need to know that he is truly sorry, to the point where he finds gay disgusting as well.

Reply to confused
Posted by: EXPERIENCE | 2011-05-23

Just work through it, you have been married 16 years, and if you found out by confession, it shows his trust in you, if you are happy, and he is horny for you, why get overly concerned about something that may have just been living out a fantasy.

Reply to EXPERIENCE
Posted by: Sexologist | 2011-05-23

There are two issues here in my opinion. First, there is the betrayal. Whether with a man or a woman, he has been sexual with another in the context of a relationship where fidelity is usually assumed to be part of the deal... It may be that this betrayal aspect needs to be worked through and the trust in the relationship rebuilt. This is difficult for you both in many ways and if you want to rebuilt the relationship then beware of actions you take that undermine it...eg, asking for details that only haunt you later and erode your sexual freedom with him/grow your anger further.

The second issue is trying to make sense of his arousal to homosexual stimulii. It may seem difficult to understand, but our sexual orientation/identity is not necessarily the same as what arouses us. Many things may be arousing, but we may not choose to live a life that includes this...eg. many women have fantasies about sex with other women but don't act on this and are turned on by their male partners and identify as heterosexual. It may be that his 'orientation' is bisexual, but that he choses to be with you - this does not mean he is gay, but it may mean that he is also turned on by some men.

You two need to continue to talk about what this means for you both, how to understand it, and how to move forward and rebuild sexual trust (and enjoyment).

Claire - SASHA

Reply to Sexologist

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