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Question
Posted by: Glenda | 2010/07/09

Open marriage

Goodmorning

Rather sad morning
just over 2yrs ago my husband &  I decided after much talk to have an " open marriage" . We have been married 18yrs with 2 kids. I discovered yesterday for the last year he has been involved in an emotional affair which is the direct result of the other woman being 4 months pregnant now. And he has kept this a secret from me. This was supposed to be consented to sexual behaviour only. He has not told me anything till I found out for myself yesterday, now the trust is shattered, I am so hurt. What to do now? Should I leave? Can we perhaps go beyond this. I used to think we could do anything together, now there is so much mixed emotions.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I have really never come across an "open marriage" that remained happy for long - the decision usually proves that there are significant problems within the marriage which need to be worked on in marriage counselling, rather than shared with intimate strangers.
A promise to have sexual flings without ever becoming more emotionally involved is simply naive - nobody can promise that. Avoiding pregnancy should have been far easier to achieve.
And I don't know how you convinced yourself you could maintain "trust" in an "open marriage".
If the pair of you want to still try to work something out, surel seeing a marriage counsellor is required ? But as soon as the pair of you decided to agree on an "open marriage" something like this was almost inevitable.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Angel | 2010/07/12

Good words Lizard and Happiness!

Reply to Angel
Posted by: Silver | 2010/07/09

Hi Glenda,

My heart goes out to you. I know you are hurt but don''t rush to do things you''ll later regret. Sit down with hubby and talk things through, maybe get a counsellor involved. He maybe didn''t want to tell you because he was scared of your reaction. It might take a while to get through this, but know you will and you''ll be stronger for it.

All the best

Reply to Silver
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/07/09

There are no straight cut formulas to happy relationships. The least we can do is just love ourselves. Put yourself as a priority in your life, the rest of the world must fit in your plan and never the other way round.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: lizard | 2010/07/09

what I''m trying to say is , dont give up, the dawn allways comes after the long dark night, just remember that, and no matter what God is allways there for you, he loves us and understands when we make mistakes.

Reply to lizard
Posted by: lizard | 2010/07/09

Glenda, out of all of this being a woman myself, my heart is with you and I feel your pain, I myself have made mistakes in life that just about killed me, I personally have learnt a few things the very bitter hard way, however I have''nt given up and just keep on trying to make sure my life is in one piece. I am divorced , and have just come out of ANOTHER abusive relationship, the first being 15 years with an abusive husband, the other an abusive boyfriend. You would have thought I would have learnt my lesson the first time. Sometimes life realy sucks and a person does''nt know how to sort our own mistakes, I personally do a lot of praying , crying and drinking, at the moment, but I can feel slowly slowly I am getting there, and I have to believe the best is still to come.

Reply to lizard
Posted by: Bozo | 2010/07/09

Maria, I think that it was agreed to always use protection, hence one of the reasons why her trust in him is shattered.

Reply to Bozo
Posted by: Maria | 2010/07/09

Actually I don''t get this at all. Even if there is no moral or emotional issues involved for you in declaring your marriage " open" , what about the physical risks like HIV and other STD''s?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Bozo | 2010/07/09

I will not judge you, it was a desission you made and that is over with now.

However I do agree with Lizard that the other lady wont be open to a open relationship. What is your husband going to do, does he want a divorce ?.

If you say open relationship, does that mean agreed one night stands. ???


Reply to Bozo
Posted by: lizard | 2010/07/09

You cursed the sacredness of your bond in marraige, when you decided to have an open maaraige. In actual fact your marraige was over from that moment, which has now led to your husband
to have a different kind of marraige to someone else, the lady who is pregnant, most probably does''nt believe in open relationships and now has the loyalty of your husband. you gave your husband away. No real MAN, who ever he is, will share his wife, whose idea was it to have an open marraige, and if it was not yours how could you have agreed to it. If your husband requested an open marriage you should have known yours was over. Life is going to force you to go beyond this whether you like it or not. Are you now going to live with your husband and accept his second wife into the fold or are you going to leave him, and what if he now wants to divorce you and only be with the other woman. You have played with fire and now you are burnt. This IS a disaster, however, depending who you all are will depend on the outcome of this precarious situation. You have hurt yourself by agreeing to the " open marraige"  you have learnt the hard way, there is no such thing. God made the rules , not me, not you. when we mess with God''s rules, and lets face it , it was God who said you must be faithfull and loyal to each other and only have each other as a sexual partner, that is what marraige is, anything else is not from God, and when change God''s rules to suit us, this is what happens, we fall off the edge of a cliff.

Reply to lizard
Posted by: Maria | 2010/07/09

I don''t believe there is such a thing as an " open"  marriage. The moment you make a deliberate decision to have relationships outside your marriage (physical or emotional), the marriage is a good as dead.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: XXX | 2010/07/09

An " open"  marriage is always going to have serious risks-you are learning this now.
It will take a huge effort by both of you to get back on track.If you really both want it then go see a marriage counsellor to help you through it.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/09

I have really never come across an "open marriage" that remained happy for long - the decision usually proves that there are significant problems within the marriage which need to be worked on in marriage counselling, rather than shared with intimate strangers.
A promise to have sexual flings without ever becoming more emotionally involved is simply naive - nobody can promise that. Avoiding pregnancy should have been far easier to achieve.
And I don't know how you convinced yourself you could maintain "trust" in an "open marriage".
If the pair of you want to still try to work something out, surel seeing a marriage counsellor is required ? But as soon as the pair of you decided to agree on an "open marriage" something like this was almost inevitable.

Reply to cybershrink

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