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Question
Posted by: steve | 2010-09-15

Open letter

To my wife (and all the women out there and the sexologists....)

Before we got married, we both had a very good understanding of each others sexual desires, fetishes, appetite etc. After twenty years of being together, we are still the ideal married couple to our friends and family, but you no longer show any desire to fulfill me sexually. We still have regular sex but you have stopped doing all the special sexual things we used to do when we first got married. I am totally sexually frustrated, and you won’ t even acknowledge that. We are financially well of, and spend most of our free time with each other, including holidaying and other partying. Other than for my sexual frustration we are very happy together

Unfortunately you refuse to discuss the problem with me, and refuse point blank to undergo any form of therapy, as you say it is my problem and I must sort it out.

Let me ask you two questions :

1 –  As the happy content wife, what do you think I am doing about my sexual frustration ? (in your mind in the ideal world –  how am I coping with my problem?)

2 –  As the happy content wife, if you were to find out that I was going elsewhere to relieve my frustrations, who would you think I would rather be with ? (Do you think I would rather be with another woman under secret and shady places always fearing being caught out, or be with you in safe and secure home?)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

It seems from your letter that you have an active sex life and are generally very happy together as a couple. It is difficult for me to get a complete picture of your relationship in this forum. My comments would be the following. It is normal at the beginning of a relationship for libidos to be higher which results in more explorative sex. You mention your frustration however which needs to be heard. There are ways to deal with this frustration. I would caution against acting outside of your marriage however, as the consequences can be severe. I would urge you to get professional help. It is of course preferable if both partners attend but you can still get help on your own. Contact the SASHA (South African Sexual Health Association) helpline Tel -0860 100 262 for referral.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

6
Our users say:
Posted by: Mia | 2010-09-28

Juh. I can relate to your letter steve. I am in the same boat with my husband. &  don''t know what to do about it.

Reply to Mia
Posted by: Richie | 2010-09-20

So money doesnt buy happiness..................

Reply to Richie
Posted by: simone | 2010-09-16

Hi Steve.How are you?I have been reading your previous questions and comments too.If you don''t mind let me ask what you want your wife to do during the intercurse so that you will be satisfied? First i thought she refuses sex at all but now I see she doesn''t.Like whats the special things yo are talking about? I am asking this because every single action has its reasons.What exactly you want her to do? Do you want her to allow you do something or to do something for you? What kind of sex does she prefer?
You know Steve women are different from men in many ways.Things that you can discuss many women will prefer not to.There may be many hidden reasons for that.It''s not that she stoped loving or wanting you.Make sure WHAT are you asking and WHAT she responds?
Take into consideration that age matters a lot? Do you remember when the changes began? It may be key to understand the problem.Give some more information please besides that she refuses ''''some things'''' and we will try to advise.
Thanks,Simone

Reply to simone
Posted by: topdog | 2010-09-16

HI steve,firstly u talking 20 years ago.things change as 1 gets old.like many people know u guys, unlike when u guys were young and adventures,sex was everything we use to have sex anywhere and take chances.like 20years ago me and the wife was having sex in the back of the car not knowing that the truck driver was watching us the whole time.now we have to bide our time when the time is right.so i say sex is not dead as we get older but wait for the chance...hope this ghelps.
PS DON,T LISTEN TO (ME) HE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT HE DON,T KNOW.

Reply to topdog
Posted by: me | 2010-09-16

have the balls to ask her and stop annoying us! or go to the cybershrink!

if you act like an arse then things will change - sexually!

Reply to me
Posted by: Sexologist | 2010-09-16

It seems from your letter that you have an active sex life and are generally very happy together as a couple. It is difficult for me to get a complete picture of your relationship in this forum. My comments would be the following. It is normal at the beginning of a relationship for libidos to be higher which results in more explorative sex. You mention your frustration however which needs to be heard. There are ways to deal with this frustration. I would caution against acting outside of your marriage however, as the consequences can be severe. I would urge you to get professional help. It is of course preferable if both partners attend but you can still get help on your own. Contact the SASHA (South African Sexual Health Association) helpline Tel -0860 100 262 for referral.

Reply to Sexologist

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