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Question
Posted by: ??? | 2010/02/05

Oor sensitief?

Ek weet nie of ek net oorsensitief is en oorreageer - of nie. Ons is hierdie jaar 9 jaar getroud, en het nou seker al vir die afgelope 4 jaar elke jaar vir berading gegaan vir sekere kwessies - hoofsaaklik seks-kwessies. Die grooste deel van ons huwelik het maar fases gehad (vir my voel dit soos een keer per jaar), wat vir my voel of my man deur ' black moods'  gegaan het. Dan is dit asof almal onder sy tong en humeur ontgeld. Hy is nou ook al 4 jaar lank op Cipralex. Na ons pas getroud was het hy by ' n plek gewerk waar hulle verkoopsmense baie betrokke was met pornografie. En soos ek nou terugkyk, moes hy betrokke gewees het ook by ander vrouens. (Ek het in daardie tyd baie infeksies gekry.) Toe is hy weg by die werk, en die porn op die internet het voortgeduur. Dis hierna wat ek aangedring het dat ons vir berading gaan. Dit het ons verhouding beinvloed as hy ook in die nag skelm op die rekenaar gaan surf het. Ek kon ook aanvoel wanneer ons intiem was, as hy vroeer in -|- ak met porn was - dis asof sy kop op ' n ander plek was. Aan en af het hy ' vriendskappe'  met vrouens aangeknoop, maar als ontken elke keer, of dit as gering afmaak.
Twee jaar terug het ek op klomp sites afgekom waar hy was, dit was sites soos: rape, teensex: teen rape, ens. Omtrent 15 verskillende sites oor rape of geweld teen vroue. Ek het vir die laaste keer berading versoek. Hy die porn weer as ' toevallig'  afgemaak en gese dit is ' pop-ups'  wat opgekom het, en hy' t nie gekyk daarna nie. Na werk aan die verhouding was dit weer beter.
Twee maande terug het ons ' n program gekyk een aand waarin daar in baie detail gewys is toe ' n vrou verkrag is. Later toe ons die aand bedtoe is, wou hy seks he. Ek was nog redelik omgekrap oor die tv program, sulke goed krap my gewoonlik om, Maar ek gee toe in. Die hele daad was ongewoon, dit het gevoel of hy nie geweet het ek was daar nie. Hy' t my omgedraai en van agteraf op my gele terwyl hy hardhandig my hare getrek het. Ek het agterna vir hom gevra of dit die program was wat vir hom ' n ' turn on'  was, hy' t dit heftig ontken.
Maar van toe af, is dit of al die ou worries en emosies weer in my kop sit. Dit voel soms of hy ' n dubbele lewe ly. Die een skoon lewe - wat almal van hom verwag... en die ander ' verbode'  een.
Het ek rede om bekommerd te wees? Is dit te se dat so ' n persoon ander mense sal kan verkrag? Ek weet dis moeilik om oordeel te kan maak met so bietjie inligting. My kop werk oortyd, en ek weet nie watter kant toe nie. Ons het 2 meisiekinders, 4 &  1. Ek kan nie die berader op hierdie stadium bekostig nie. En wat gaan dit in elk geval help? Hy sal haar net in elk geval weer kan oortuig. En ek voel nie ' n berader sal help nie. Sy' t klaar ons gehelp om te leer om met mekaar te kommunikeer. Ek voel, as my redes gegrond is, sal my man self moet gesond word - ander kan dit nie vir hom doen nie. As ek weet daar' s hoop, sal ek beslis bystaan, maar my siel en menswees sal nie weer ' n ' black mood'  kan deurstaan nie.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm puzzled. It's unusual ( maybe I'm misunderstanding your message somehow ? ) for a couple to go for counselling for 4 years, for anythin, maybe especially not for sexual problems, and not sort it all out. Similarly, 4 years is a long time for someone to be on any antidepressant, insluding Cipralex, without it clearing up their depression.
It's imposible to tell from this distance whether or not you have good reasons to be worried. A second opinion all round would be wise. A second opinion as to whther he is actually suffering from a current depression, and if so, whether a different AD would suit him better. And similarly, with all due respect, 4 years of counselling with the basic questions remaining, raises questions about the skill and methods of the counsellor.
And I think you may be right that he may need to work alone, too, on any issues troubling him, rather than only together with you - but it's not clear to me from your message, to what extent it is YOU worrying about the issues, rather than him

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: ??? | 2010/02/05

Hi, we didn' t go on a continious basis for councelling. Everytime for a couple of weeks, until we thought things was sorted out. Until he started feeling unhappy again, and make things unbearable for us at home, start seeing other people again, or start porn surfing again.
And bottom line, yes, it is me worrying about these issues - and not him.
It is a long story, maybe I should find someone to talk to. I realise it is difficult summarising everyting - as I do not know what is applicable and what not.
Thanks for your help. Have a Blessed Weekend.

Reply to ???
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/05

I'm puzzled. It's unusual ( maybe I'm misunderstanding your message somehow ? ) for a couple to go for counselling for 4 years, for anythin, maybe especially not for sexual problems, and not sort it all out. Similarly, 4 years is a long time for someone to be on any antidepressant, insluding Cipralex, without it clearing up their depression.
It's imposible to tell from this distance whether or not you have good reasons to be worried. A second opinion all round would be wise. A second opinion as to whther he is actually suffering from a current depression, and if so, whether a different AD would suit him better. And similarly, with all due respect, 4 years of counselling with the basic questions remaining, raises questions about the skill and methods of the counsellor.
And I think you may be right that he may need to work alone, too, on any issues troubling him, rather than only together with you - but it's not clear to me from your message, to what extent it is YOU worrying about the issues, rather than him

Reply to cybershrink

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