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Posted by: Kayla | 2010/11/08

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Hierdie gaan ''n lang brief wees. Ek moet by die begin begin. Ek is 34 jaar oud en is 15 jaar getroud. Ek het voor my huwelik maar gedoen wat baie jong meisies doen. Dinge waarop ek nie trots is nie. Ek het vele seksmaats gehad maar ek het vergifnis daarvoor gevra en ek glo dat ek dit gekry het. Ek het dit agter my gesit maar my man kan nie!! Hy gooi dit telkemale voor my kop. Ek was ook ''n baie gelukkige mens voor ek getroud is. Maar my eerste 5 jaar van ons huwelik was moeilik. Ek het depressie gekry en is sedertdien op antidepressante en ook op medikasie vir ''n Bipolere gemoedsversteuring. Ek weet dit kan nie net sy skuld wees nie, en dat dit Geneties is. My man is verslaaf aan pornografie en enige iets wat betrekking het tot seks en geslagsdele. Ek is moedeloos. Hy het op ''n stadium opgehou (of so het ek gedink). Ek het ''n paar jaar gelede ''n emosionele verhouding met iemand ontwikkel (daar was geen seks betrokke nie) en hy het daarvan uitgevind. Hy het my vergewe en ons het aanbeweeg. Met tye, gereeld, word dit voor my kop gegooi, en dan ook my verlede voordat ek met hom getroud is. Dit is nie regverdig nie. Hy was nie ''n engel nie, en nog minder was hy ''n engel voordat en terwyl ons getroud is. Ek is soms siels ongelukkig en ek weet nie wat om te doen nie. Ek het al baie gedreig om selfmoord te pleeg maar ek het 2 pragtige kinders. Ek weet nie wat ek moet doen nie. Hoe los ek hom en hoe doen ek dit aan my kinders? Ek voel soms soos ''n besitting want hy is ONGELOOFLIK jaloers en besitlik!! Ek is bang dat hy my depressie en bipolere toestand en selfmoord neigings teen my kan hou indien ek hom los en my kinders van my af wegneem!! Help my asseblief, ek weet nie meer wat om te doen nie.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I agree with Liza.
I hope your "bipolar disorder" has been properly diagnosed and is being expertly managed by a specialist psychiatrist, and not only a GP.
Maybe your husband had some right to feel indignant if you kept your prior behaviour a total secret, which he only discovered after marriage ; but generally, when you marry someone, you should acept their history, of things that happened before you met. Otherwise, it's like buying a second-hand car ( and we're ALL of us second-hand in some ways ) and then complaining angrily about some of the places the car had previously been driven to.
It sounds as though he may be using his inflated indignation about your earlier life to avoid facing his current infidelity with pornography. And, as you say, his own less than angelic life before marriage is to be ignored ?
Excuses, excuses...
I understand how this situation could make you miserable, and you should be seeing a counsellor /psychologist to help you deal with it. Actually THREATENING suicide, to him presumably, is a really bad idea. Not only should you not seriously consider harming yourself because of his faults, but the complaints could be used by him as claimed proof of your instability and unfitness as a parent.
But having Bipolar Disorder or depression, properly diagnosed and expertly managed, should not be considered by any competent court as any reason for even briefly doubting a person's capacity to be an excellent parent, and should not be considered relevant in considering custody.
And more kids are damaged by ducking down between combatting and chronically miserable parents, than are damaged by a properly managed divorce

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Our users say:
Posted by: Net ekke | 2010/11/08

Kayla, die feit dat jy om vergifnis gevra het en glo dat jy dit gekry het is klaar wonderlik, die feit dat jou man dit telkemale voor jou kop gooi is selfsugtig...hy is verslaaf aan porn en dergerlike dinge, wie is hy om n splint uit jou oog te wil haal maar die balk in sy oog is nog daar?? Hy het jou heel waarskynlik in so n depressie laat beland, jy was tog gelukkig voor jou huwelik, en toe begin die ongelukkigheid. Net soos n vrou n man kan maak of breek, so geld die teendeel ook...hy het jou hoegenaamd nie vergewe nie anders sou hy dit nie voor jou kop gegooi het nie Kayla? Jaloesie is n verskriklike siekte, feitlik ongeneesbaar, en jy sal dit altyd ontvang. Geen wonder jy het emosioneel aangetrokke gevoel tot iemand anders nie. Ek en my eks meisie het min of meer deur dieselfde as julle gaan, alhoewel ons nie uitmekaar is a.g.v jaloesie en die ander dinge nie, is dit oor al die vinger wys, en verlede en die feit dat ons mekaar nie meer wou aanvaar vir wie ons was nie. Selfmoord sal baie selfsugtig wees, wat van jou kids...moenie opgee nie, bid en glo...

Reply to Net ekke
Posted by: Liza | 2010/11/08

You could try couples counseling. If things then do not improve, then seperation might be your only choice.

As for not wanting to put your kids through a divorce - sometimes it''s the best option. If you''re stable on your meds and seeing a specialist psychiatrist often, there is no way he can take the children away from you - even though you are bipolar. Children are far happier and relaxed when their parents are happy and relaxed. Not wanting to put children through a divorce can cause far more harm if the parents are butting heads the whole time. The only solution is to take the children for counseling so that they have a balanced view of the divorce.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/08

I agree with Liza.
I hope your "bipolar disorder" has been properly diagnosed and is being expertly managed by a specialist psychiatrist, and not only a GP.
Maybe your husband had some right to feel indignant if you kept your prior behaviour a total secret, which he only discovered after marriage ; but generally, when you marry someone, you should acept their history, of things that happened before you met. Otherwise, it's like buying a second-hand car ( and we're ALL of us second-hand in some ways ) and then complaining angrily about some of the places the car had previously been driven to.
It sounds as though he may be using his inflated indignation about your earlier life to avoid facing his current infidelity with pornography. And, as you say, his own less than angelic life before marriage is to be ignored ?
Excuses, excuses...
I understand how this situation could make you miserable, and you should be seeing a counsellor /psychologist to help you deal with it. Actually THREATENING suicide, to him presumably, is a really bad idea. Not only should you not seriously consider harming yourself because of his faults, but the complaints could be used by him as claimed proof of your instability and unfitness as a parent.
But having Bipolar Disorder or depression, properly diagnosed and expertly managed, should not be considered by any competent court as any reason for even briefly doubting a person's capacity to be an excellent parent, and should not be considered relevant in considering custody.
And more kids are damaged by ducking down between combatting and chronically miserable parents, than are damaged by a properly managed divorce

Reply to cybershrink

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