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Question
Posted by: dw | 2010/06/25

ongoing issues

Hi, if someone breaks up with me and then sends me a mail saying that the issues I brought up has happened to him in previous relationships and are ongoing issues so therefore he stops the relationship in its tracks when these things come up, whose problem is this, his or mine? It sounds like he is blaming me for his issues that he needs to resolve before he can settle down with someone??

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its his problem. If he is running into the same problems in successive relationships, its very obvious he needs to see a therapist to break this pattern and work through the issues - to just continue to avoid them and hide from them is maladaptive and unkind to his innocent partners.
From your description, I don't think he is actually blaming you as such, though not really takeng responsibility either. He is saying HE has problems in relationships that recur, and he isn't yet man enough to face them and solve them

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: anon | 2010/06/25

hi dw

i commented on your previous post as well. remember, he can be just plain selfish in that that''s what he wants and if you have a problem with it he is out. it sounds like that is the determining factor for him.

(i have a friend with an ex who did similar things, ended up him spilling the whole lot - he was/is a sex addict who watched women through windows and saw numerous prostitutes a week)

why im mentioning this (IM NOT IMPLYING HE''S DOING IT) is that his fetishes can be more important to him than the actual relationship, like a drug, and he doesnt really care what/who gets in the way.

and yes, he''s actually admitting that it''s always been a problem, he''s just not realising the problem doesnt lie with his exes.

Reply to anon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/06/25

Its his problem. If he is running into the same problems in successive relationships, its very obvious he needs to see a therapist to break this pattern and work through the issues - to just continue to avoid them and hide from them is maladaptive and unkind to his innocent partners.
From your description, I don't think he is actually blaming you as such, though not really takeng responsibility either. He is saying HE has problems in relationships that recur, and he isn't yet man enough to face them and solve them

Reply to cybershrink

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