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Posted by: Just wanted to vent | 2011-01-19

Once a year if I am lucky

I saw a previous post about spicing up their sex life. Lucky them. Once a day.
Once a year if I am lucky. Nothing wrong with me. I started looking around and get more attention than I can possibly handle. I tried everything under the sun and if I do not start it, nothing happens. If I even suggest something out of the ordinary, the response is complete abhorrence. (I don''t do things like that, ag sies man).
Foreplay, candles, bath, music, spoiling etc, all come to a eventual shrug of I am too tired and straight to bed and vast asleep while most people are not even considering going to sleep.
If I do get a response after trying all kinds of things, the response is at best 1 out of 10 sex. Like screwing a corpse. And that is about once a year. I tried talking about it, and there are always excuses handy. Too tired, lets talk about it later (never), too busy (to bed 10 minutes later) , not feeling well, mind is busy with more important stuff and and and and.
I am more than ready to just walk away from quite a number of years of a pointless relationship going nowhere slowly, a lot of my money invested in it and a cold shoulder.
I started feeling bad about myself, how I look, etc but eventually realized it is not that, must be him who has the issue. With what? Only him and his ubiquitous mother probably knows.
I already screwed around a few times so stone me or judge me, I really feel nothing about it. Was fun and I got what I needed after almost 2 years of no sex for no fathomable reason. I really thought about it, went looking and voila. Going back for more, it is good for my self-esteem, as I am in demand. He was not even interested in where I was. He tells me he loves me. I wonder who the & ^%ing fool in this relationship is.
Just wanted to vent as I am sick of such relationships. Thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Just Wanted and thanks for posting. It is possible that your partner's lack of interest in sex with you could be due to A) something about himself (depression or a sexual dysfunction, for example) or B) some dynamic in your relationship.

A lack of interest in sex could be due to depression or low self-esteem. Also, if your partner does have an intact sex drive (and possibly masturbates in order to avoid anal sex) we could be talking about anal inhibition syndrome.

It is possible that his avoidance of sex could be due to a relationship dynamic you may not be aware of. For example, he could resent the fact that he is to some extent financially dependent on you. Your also suggest that his mother could be playing a role - does she live with you guys?

Either way, I suggest you explore professional support - either a few sessions of couple counselling, or him seeing a therapist on his own, or a combination of both.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: same boat | 2011-02-16

Wow! So I am not alone..... I dont get sex unless I take it and he just lies there.... wow do I feel sexy... NOT! before we met I had been separated from my wife for 2 odd years... from day one I told him everything about myself including how I felt about my sexuality and that it was linked to my unwarranted or whatever self image.... We have been together for just under 18 months and he moved in a month after we met. Our relationship can be described as comfortable except for the lack of intimacy....he has issues from an abusive family environment which he refuses to talk about... also will not get help ...he can never be the problem.... I know only snippets of his past and so wish I could be privy to why he is such an angry person today. He goes to bed at 8 almost every night. It feels like I am back in my sexless marriage again... may as well have stayed there.... my friends have pointed out to me taht he does not treat me well, which resulted in a tumultuous festive period where all I wanted to do was run away... from my own home...LOL.... when we got back from our trips it all settled down to the usual , probably because work saved me from wanting to put on my running shoes and keep running. I cannot see myself letting this carry on much longer.... I feel indifferent as in, I couldnt care should he stay or go.... I just want to feel fulfilled again.... desired... am I being unreasonable.... I love the anology of the table with the four legs... mine she is wobbly ....

Reply to same boat
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2011-01-24

I am angry now because of the way I am treated, but I was not before. I am only human and have limits of how much I can take. I cannot give all the details here, as it is quite compelx, but part of what I did not mention is constant critisism (sometimes very subtle), always knowing better and asking advice and then doing the exact oppposite with sometimes dire consequences for both of us.
Anyway, thank you for your advice. I am listening. I think the gist of it is that I should get my point accross to him and mother and take whatever it brings. It cannot go on. Be it that it is the end, then that is how I should be.

Reply to LONEWOLF
Posted by: Neil | 2011-01-21

You sounds so angry! Doesn''t that play a part in his sexual reaction to you?

Reply to Neil
Posted by: Just wanted to vent | 2011-01-21

Thank you all for the advice. Unfortunately I only scratched the surface with the reasons. Yes there are medical reasons which he refuses to address. No the old bat is not living with us, but there is endless hushed calls and her presence is like that of a vulture looking over my shoulder. Talking usually results in a screaming bout from him and walking away for the slightest difference. He is favourite defence is that he does not have problems. I know he is not acknowledging it and is protecting his comfort zone.
We are unfortunately tied on so many levels, financial, business and friends etc that I do not see my way open to walk away. I also am really not in the mood for another screaming and walking away session. I recently started to simply shut up completely when this starts and just to stare. It seems to work as he clearly has no idea how to handle it. I also simply do things that I want (no unreasonable stuff) and when he reacts with his usual disapproval because I assume it was not his idea, I do the same. No word, just a stare.
Couples counselling. Not for him in this life.
I know I just perhaps just face it, put out an ultimatum and see what happens.
Thanks anyway. I feel better.
Where is the good ald days when you simply bliksem someone. No that is a real bad idea. Sorry, but it crosses my mind from time to time.

Cheers and have a fab weekend

Reply to Just wanted to vent
Posted by: BSL | 2011-01-20

Hello, I am the " lucky me"  who posted earlier about a boring, but regular sex life. My problems pale in comparison to yours and in my case, I was just wanting some tips - I''m very happy otherwise! Your case is much more of a problem.

The reason I felt the need to post a message to you here is because I was actually in a similar situation 6 years ago. The guy then was really not into anything sexual. Also, same excuses, same abhorrence to the idea, especially anal penetration. The strangest and saddest thing is that it turned out HE was the one sleeping around, but not having anal sex with his other partners, but everything else. I only found out about this stuff after he suddenly packed up and moved to another city, leaving me devastated and broken.

Anyway, I''m not saying your man has slept around or that THAT side of my sad story is related to yours, but rather that I did have to deal with lack of penetrative sex for the 4 years of that relationship and I was not happy with it. Talk about the grass being greener, now I get sex too often and I am moaning about THAT. Lol. But as I said, sexually, my current relationship is much better than my other one. I think my ex had a problem though, and his infidelity was very destructive to us (it hardened and changed him and diminished our trust, love, commitment). We did try some things that seemed to work (which I will describe for you shortly) and the occasional sex we then had was wonderful (but only once or twice). I think if the relationship had been strong enough, then over time we would perhaps have overcome our problems and made it work. Unfortunately I never got a chance to test this theory before he left.


One of my best suggestions is for you to tell him that because of your love for him, you feel it is important that the matter is resolved otherwise you foresee many more arguments and unpleasantness in a partnership that should be overflowing with joy. But before I go on, I want you to take note of a very important fact. Not all gay couples engage in regular anal sex, or even any anal sex at all! Sometimes oral/hand/rubbing sex and loving, kissing, cuddling is sufficient and these couples can have wonderful sex/intimate lives, without ever bothering with anal sex. It is important to realise that anal sex is not the only kind of sexual interaction.

That said, if one or both partners are not satisfied with this scenario and more is expected/wanted, then there is a problem to be addressed. One or the other partner is going to have to submit/ssacrifice.

My ex-bf and I had a lot of success by going to counselling at our local church. Yes, there are gay-friendly church counsellors who are willing to discuss the importance of sex in a gay relationship! Anyway this lady explained something interesting about relationships that was quite helpful - it was the concept of love/relationship as a table with legs. The goal is to build a tabletop of unconditional love, the kind of love that God has for us that will never fail. In getting to that point, you have to strengthen the " table legs"  while developing the relationship. One entire leg of the relationship is devoted to sexual interaction and intimacy. Without this being strong, the relationship is doomed to fail. It doesn''t imply you have to have sex, but rather that you are sexually compatible. The other legs, if I recall correctly, include your friendship towards one another (day to day interaction, fun, understanding), your communication (including respect/attitude to one another), and I think something about service/committment. I haven''t seen an explanation of such a simple and practical way to build on a relationship since then and if anyone has a an internet link, please could you provide it. What I like about it is that you can identify the core areas of importance in a relationship and as you grow as a couple, work on strengthening each of those. With a focussed goal, you are then both constantly aware of the areas in which you are strengthening the relationship and where you are letting it down.

Anyway, the point of that little ramble is that don''t underestimate sexual interaction, it certainly is not a negligible part of a relationship, but then again, nor is it the most important. It is just one of the pillars of strength that is necessary for the relationship to work. It won''t stand on only that and it won''t stand without it.

So, I reckon if you guys want the relationship to work, you have to be sexually compatible. I think counselling will be of tremendous help in this case, but self-help is also possible, just less effective. Rather than worrying, you can see that there are really only a fairly limited number of possible outcomes/options and you''ve just got to decide which one works best for both of you. Some of these possibilities include: 1) Abandoning the relationship to each find more compatible partners (very hard, very sad, but maybe better in the long run). 2) Accepting that there can be less or no penetrative (anal) sex in the relationship and it can still work - perhaps by focussing on more of the other kinds of intimacy, oral sex etc. 3) Having sex more frequently together, possibly taking turns to do what each partner prefers if there are different preferences. You say you''ve tried everything, but he may be having inhibitions that need to be overcome - a sometimes difficult an time consuming process to get right. And remember that you must also be comfortable doing everything for him that you are asking him to do for you!. 4) Having an open relationship - where whenever the need strikes you, you could go out and seek the sexual release you desire, returning to your man once you are done. (this is very risky for the relationship, the communication and trust will have to be very strong and still this option frequently leads to problems and broken relationships, but it does work for some - with great communication skills and high levels of trust and honesty). I''m sure there are a few other options too, but those are the most obvious suggestions.

I feel I should add that sleeping around behind his back is not going to solve the problem and it also puts you both at risk (STI''s, embarrassment, drama etc). You know it''s not the right thing to do, so rather get your relationship on the right track for both of you guys first rather than being reckless and slutty. I''m not flinging ugly rocks here (as I said I can empathise 100% with your situation and your behaviour is not at all unusual or unexpected) but I am just pointing out that one should always try to be upright and moral in a relationship, even in a bad or abusive relationship, so that no matter what, you can say you acted with integrity and decency even through the tough times and are thus beyond reproach.

It sounds like there may be something worth saving here in this relationship for you, otherwise you wouldn''t be writing in and wouldn''t be trying so hard to make it work, regardless of the difficulties. Consider the counselling route I mentioned and make your decisions, however difficult. I wish you all the best of luck!

Reply to BSL
Posted by: Gareth | 2011-01-20

From the sound of it, he has major issues with sex. It might be medical, physical or psychological. You need to sit him down and seriously talk to him about this. Not later, now. He needs to understand that as the other half of the partnership, he needs to consider your needs as well. Try and be honest and understand why exactly he does not want to be intimate with you. If he really loves you and wants to hold onto you, he will seriously work on his part. Your solution is not to " seek it elsewhere" . That is like treating a wound by pouring acid on it. It just cannot end well. And if he is not willing to do his part, and invest in this relationship as well, it might just be time for you to move on, no matter how much you guys are bound to each other by material stuff. And then you are free to seek what you need without hurting someone else.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: dickery-dye | 2011-01-20

sounds like you''re living with my ex- hehehehehe!!

Reply to dickery-dye
Posted by: Just wanted to vent | 2011-01-20

O before someone think I am only interested in sex. I fully understand that se is only a small part of a relationship, albeit that, it is very important. When posting I was so upset, I forgot about all the wasted love, compassion and care. All the help during periods of unemployment, and no income, of ill health and stress. Teh money is a smaal part. One can always replace it. But the wasted time and love for what?

Reply to Just wanted to vent
Posted by: gay, lesbian and bisexual expert | 2011-01-20

Hi Just Wanted and thanks for posting. It is possible that your partner's lack of interest in sex with you could be due to A) something about himself (depression or a sexual dysfunction, for example) or B) some dynamic in your relationship.

A lack of interest in sex could be due to depression or low self-esteem. Also, if your partner does have an intact sex drive (and possibly masturbates in order to avoid anal sex) we could be talking about anal inhibition syndrome.

It is possible that his avoidance of sex could be due to a relationship dynamic you may not be aware of. For example, he could resent the fact that he is to some extent financially dependent on you. Your also suggest that his mother could be playing a role - does she live with you guys?

Either way, I suggest you explore professional support - either a few sessions of couple counselling, or him seeing a therapist on his own, or a combination of both.

Reply to gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

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