Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-07-24

Older men preying on young guys

We recently discovered that my 19 year old brother is gay and involved with older men.
He was in matric last year and regularly visited one of his school friends who moved away from our hometown in the Freestate to Cape Town. This friend’ s father is a psychologist and single dad –  lets call this dad ‘ A’ . I’ ve always been suspicious of these people as they paid for my brother’ s airplane tickets and begged him to go visit every school holiday and long weekend. For some reason my parents did not find this alarming. My parents never met A face to face and only spoke to him over the phone. Because he is a psychologist, they assumed things would be ok.
I received an anonymous call yesterday from someone claiming that my brother had a sexual relationship with A last year, and that A regularly visited our hometown over weekends (which is over 1000km from Cape Town). A would then stay in a guesthouse and my brother would tell my dad that he was visiting friends for the weekend, when in fact he was staying at the guesthouse with A.
My parents are divorced and my mother lives in the UK. My brother had little to no supervision at my dad’ s house and could pretty much come and go as he pleased.
As you can imagine, I am extremely upset about all of this. Its bad enough dealing with a gay brother who is really still so young, and now this. My parents trusted A and he took advantage of the situation. My brother never showed any gay tendencies before meeting A and I think he talked a whole lot of nonsense into my brother’ s head.
What I want to know is: Is there anything we can legally do to A? My brother was 18 at the time of the relationship and therefore not a minor. Can we have A disbarred? You just can’ t have psychologists doing things like this –  this is completely unacceptable. I’ m sure if some does a bit of digging, they’ ll find that my brother is not the only young guy A was ‘ seeing’ . People are entrusting their kids to this man and who knows what he is doing behind closed doors.
My brother is now living in Gauteng with one of my other siblings. We now have a problem with him slipping out to meet older men he meets on MXIT or internet chat rooms. He is seeing a psychologist about this, but I don’ t think its helping since we caught him out again yesterday thanks to this anonymous person who seems to know more about what is going on in my brother’ s life than we are. My brother clams up when we try and talk to him about it. It is spiralling out of control and we really don’ t know how to handle this. Unfortunately my parents live far away and are not very involved with what is going on right now.

Also, when we googled this anonymous informant' s cell nr, we found the number on a well know advertising site, under a personal advert regarding a man seeking a man.... This is just absolutely bizarre. Don' t know if we should trust this person or not. He seems to be genuinely concerned, but we' re not sure what his intentions are.

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Our expert says:
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Maybe you can check at the guesthouse as to whether your brother was indeed staying there with A. And check on the identity and qualifications os A. If your brother was a patient of his, he could be in trouble with the Health Professiosn COuncil, as that would be considered unethical, whether the patient was male or female. If he is haing any sort of sexual relationship with anyone who IS a patient, he could be in serious trouble about that --- though that would of course also depend on evidence, and if the person concerned denied it or refused personally to complain it would be hard to make a case ( if they were under-age, parents could complain )
But at 19, your brother is legally an adult, and adults have the right to be foolish if they insist. If he is gay, he has the same rights as if he was straight. Would you be as upset if he were sneaking away to meet with an older woman, instead ? Being gay is as inborn as being straight --- someone can't rally jusy talk you into it.
I wonder who called you ? WHo this anonymous person is, who knows so much about what your brother is doing both in Cape Town and in Joburg is most odd ? Could it be your brother himself wishing to bother you all ? Who else would have been with him in both cities, and close enough to know these details ? Certainly his motivations must be in question.
But maybe the central issue is that your brother is an independent young adult, allowed to do what he decides to do, so long as it isnt illegal, and the rest of you dont really have any auithority to intervene, unless perhaps whatever he is doing is a major danger to himself or others, and that does not apply here.
You may no approve of his life-style, but he has as much right to chose it and follow it as he has to join any political party, or take any job that will hire him. If the family is in some way financing him ( you don;t mention how he supports himself and his shrink ) then you have only the right to withdraw that finding, or to make it subject to whatever conditions you wish, ad he is free to refuse the funding and the attached conditions

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Our users say:
Posted by: anon | 2009-07-24

Your brother is 19, that would have made him 18 last year. Old enough for consensual sex. Gay people don' t suddenly wake up and find out they are gay in their 20' s! The sooner they come out, the better actually.

Please support your brother during this confusing time in his life, urge him to wear condoms and have his lovers do the same.

Support him, this is the best you can do. Realizing you' re gay is traumatic and I am not surprised that he chose older men to help him through this. Gay, is after all a sexual thing, and that might be how he expresses himself.

He' s still your brother, and his behavior will improve with time. If he doesn' t practice safe sex, he will pick up an STI. (At least you don' t have to worry about unplanned pregnancy here, a load off your mind, I' m sure)

Reply to anon
Posted by: Gracie | 2009-07-24

You have my sympathy with what' s happening, but there is nothing you can do about it! Unless your brother admits to any wrongdoing on A' s part, how will you ever be able to prove it unless he has other " victims"  who would be prepared to come forward, but then again, how will you find out? Your brother is gay and it' s something you will have to accept! Don' t push him away from you - don' t pry into his personal life - he is after all an adult (albeit a young adult!) Rather give him as much moral support as you can - fighting with him and prying into his personal life will just worsen an already " fragile"  situation. It must be very difficult for your family to accept the fact that he is gay, but please don' t push him away from you, rather be there for him - he will talk about it when he is ready!

Reply to Gracie

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