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Question
Posted by: Pam | 2011/10/10

Older Friend

I am 47. My friend is 62. Her husband recently retired. Since then she expects that every invite includes him. I understand that it is a major adjustment but I cannot afford to invite him all over the show and pay for it. I do not want him to be there all the time either. She also used to be easy to talk to. I listened to her problems and she listened to mine. Now if I say that I am worried about so and so she jumps at me and goes don''t say that aloud or it will happen. I finally got a bit cross and said I am realistic I can''t live in a dreamworld. Is it just the age difference (she has a daughter of 23) or is it the retirement thing. She has always worked from home. I know they have to watch their pennies now that her husband is not working. We seem to have drifted apart. I assumed spending more time with him and adjusting but now it is me that is phoning or chasing.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its reasonable for her to hope that he could be included in some more invitations now that he's available, but it would be utterly unreasonable to expect anyone else to pay for his entertainment if the group of you go to a restaurant, for instance. But don't you entertain at home anymore ?
Ancourage them both to develop outside interests and hobbies, so they don't become too needily dependent on a few friends
She is your friend, and maybe he is not, something you can gently explain to her. Surely he has some friends of his own ?
She sounds worried about their financial situation now, but hopefully he has a pension or savings to make life practical for them. If she's become superstitious, this can indeed limit conversations !

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/10

Its reasonable for her to hope that he could be included in some more invitations now that he's available, but it would be utterly unreasonable to expect anyone else to pay for his entertainment if the group of you go to a restaurant, for instance. But don't you entertain at home anymore ?
Ancourage them both to develop outside interests and hobbies, so they don't become too needily dependent on a few friends
She is your friend, and maybe he is not, something you can gently explain to her. Surely he has some friends of his own ?
She sounds worried about their financial situation now, but hopefully he has a pension or savings to make life practical for them. If she's become superstitious, this can indeed limit conversations !

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