Posted by: Priscilla | 2012-07-11

Old Fashioned Maybe???

hello all. I know this guy for 7months now and we only started dating 2 weeks ago. We have not done anything like couples like going out, meeting friends etc but all of a sudden yesterday he was all over me in a very sexual way and without a condom nogal. I refused point blank i can not be that irresponsible. I dont know him that well as a human being, maybe i am a old fashioned 30year old who still belives in knowing someone first and be comfortable with being in a relationship with the person before doing the nasty with him. I want to send an sms and tell him that i dont have a problem with dating him but the sex part so early in the union is what makes me so uncomfortable. How do i tell him this in a nice but assertive way, cause knowing me i will just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind which will definately sound insensitive.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Absolutely right to have refused - it was selfish and inconsiderate of him to expect you to agree. And you're totally right about the importance of getting to know someone first.
What he did was a bit more than "blurting" !
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Our users say:
Posted by: ref | 2012-07-16

hi, ur a good girl and remember that men they are after their feelings not our feelings as women. consider yourself before your patner and after being confortable and maybe married to each other then you will be able to talk more about everything. take care and encourage younger sisters to do the same.

Reply to ref
Posted by: george | 2012-07-13

ok i agree with what all the people say, in my case it is different. i am nearly 80 and still enjoy a good sex life with help from the stimulants that are obtainable. however i cannot wait around for a second date because at my age there may not be a second so i can be excused for trying on the first date

Reply to george
Posted by: desperado | 2012-07-12

I also wanted to comment on what christo said. I''m a woman. I''m married for 8 years now and also read many books on relationships and behaviour and unfortunately men are ruled by their egos and hormones. That''s not a bad thing and does not make him a bad person. In fact you should feel good about the fact that you do have that effect on him BUT.....
Yes it is to soon and good for you for not letting it go to far. Remember the woman have to control those situations because the man can''t do that in the heat of the moment. We are wired differently. However if you do tell him off and he still goes on trying to do things you don''t want to, then you should get rid of him asap.
If he did understand and left it then it means he do care about you and probably feel very stupid right now for not controlling his instincts. In that case be gentle and don''t crush his ego. Just tell him that you are glad that you have an agreement and you will show him when you are ready.

Reply to desperado
Posted by: Lu | 2012-07-12

I absolute love it when a man responds to a question regarding another man''s behaviour etc. I would rather take Christo''s advice above any ladies advice in this one!

Good one Christo!

Reply to Lu
Posted by: Christo Brand | 2012-07-12

Hi Priscilla, I note that mostly females responded to your statement.
As a Male, I have to remind you that men do not always think clearly once the hormones kick in..If the male responds like a dog, treat him as such !! You have to discipline the male, and make him understand that the relationship is built on everything but sex ! I personally think 3 months is a much safer period. By then you will have made up your mind if you are willing to go that far. Explain this to him from the beginning. If he is not interested because he is not prepared to wait, then get rid of him !!!,

Reply to Christo Brand
Posted by: Keith Collison | 2012-07-12

well done my friend you made our lady friends proud hope there are young ladies out there will do the same .love for this

Reply to Keith Collison
Posted by: Sylvie | 2012-07-12

You are certainly not old fashioned, but clearly a responsible, level headed person who realizes the value of getting to know someone first. If more people spent time getting to know their partners and becoming friends first and foremost, and then forging a relationship, there would be far less divorce and consequently less unhappy people out there.

Reply to Sylvie
Posted by: Hestia | 2012-07-11

Prescilla if he is in the relationship for YOU and not sex this will not make any difference. If he REALLY cares for you he will wait untill YOU are comfortable and want to take it to the next level. If he does not want to do that he does only care about sex. Then it is good that you found out before you spend to much time and energy on him. Do not let anyone or anything make you feel that sticking to your prinsiples is old fashioned. It is you that need to live with it nobody else

Reply to Hestia
Posted by: Digital_Sex®  | 2012-07-11

< Priscilla> 
(assuming he is 40-something) He is a very spirited individual. All you need to do is channel that into romantic dinner, a walk in the park (you get the picture). In a way you get what you need and the relationship can get built on a solid foundation.
The age gap really doesn’ t matter, just find a partner who fits with you and compliments you .

... Digital_Sex® 

Reply to Digital_Sex&#174&nbsp;
Posted by: Priscilla | 2012-07-11

Thank you Maria and Digital. I took your advice and sent the sms in a really nice way and I am awaiting his response. @ Digital yes 12 years gap why do you ask? Any insight as to what to expect as my 2 past relationships ever were a gap of 2 and 5 years respectively.

Reply to Priscilla
Posted by: Digital_Sex®  | 2012-07-11

< Priscilla> 
Nothing wrong with what you did. You felt uncumfy and expressed it. Now you should continue like that, it makes it easier as you know what makes your partner tick and what tickles their fancy. By the way is there a large age difference with you and your partner?

< Maria> 
Well said, it really sounds convincing and as a fact it’ s something that a real women would say (assuming that the guy has somewhat of an understanding of how women perceive things around them). Two thumbs-up

... Digital_Sex® 

Reply to Digital_Sex&#174&nbsp;
Posted by: Maria | 2012-07-11

Priscilla, I wish there were more people like you, we get so many women writing sad and angry messages here because they got pregnant by a guy they barely knew and then it all went wrong. I don''t think you''re old fashioned, I think you are clear thinking, level headed, mature and responsible. And if he cannot respect your feelings about when you want to have sex, then he is not the guy for you.

Maybe tell him something like this: I''m so excited by the fact that we are now going out, and I''m really looking forward to the journey of getting to know each other on a whole new level. I just want to share with you that I''m not comfortable having sex with someone until I know him quite well, for me sex is not just a physical thing but also emotional. Thanks for understanding.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-07-11

Absolutely right to have refused - it was selfish and inconsiderate of him to expect you to agree. And you're totally right about the importance of getting to know someone first.
What he did was a bit more than "blurting" !
Useful responses from the other readers

Reply to cybershrink

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