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Question
Posted by: E | 2011/10/06

Oh so lonely!

Dear Dr

All my life I have been someone who struggles to connect with people and much preferred being by myself (mostly) but inside there was a social creature, so I always had friends and went to social gatherings. The friendships never lasted very long. When I met my husband at varsity we were very social.

Now, I have 2 babies and in the last 2 years since they were born I can now say that I do not have ONE friend left! I alienated all of them. Some intentional, some not at all.

On the one hand, I felt I did the right thing. We were married for a very long time before having kids, so we " partied"  like our single/childless friends. I now felt kind of " over it" , you know, I dont want to go to clubs or pubs or whatever and I also dont want to have parties at home with boozy and loud friends. This was obv just one part of our friends, not al of them. So, I dont miss them.

But then, everyone else dissapeared as well. If I''m invited, I go, I listen, I talk and realize that they only invite us to the big events and not the weekly monthly things. This way we jsut grow further and further apart. But this whole thing is kind of snowballing. The only people I''m left talking to is my sister and mother. My sister, who keeps saying I''m her best friend, but then tries to chat up my husband (a month ago)!!!!! WTF and my mother who is so bored with life that just tries to create tension and issues between everyone so that she can witness some drama. So, I''m finding myself thinking, you can take a hike as well.

Then last night, hubby went out with one of his boozy friends (because he is obviously not over that lifestyle and he accuses me of not being honest about who I was when we met -ye right) and I''m thinking I dont want him in my life either!

Now all this and i have two kids who depend on me to help and teach them to fit into the world and be a part of the greater community and to sustain healthy relationships???

And of course the cherry on top: I''m actually very lonely at this point in time and I spend every minute I have " free"  (not working) with my two little ones, who I adore, but because I''m feeling quite sad, I''m not in the moment 100% as I should be, which just makes me feel guilty.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Overall, of course, some of us are more sociable, and some are happier on their own and enjoy their own company. Sometimes one WANTS to be sociable but feels so anxious in social situations that one stays along, but longs to be in the group, and then proper treatment for social anxiety, by meds and CBT counselling, can help a great deal.
But you talk of having had friends, and then alienated them all - how did you manage to do that ? Sometimes palds drift apart, with no hard feelings, but you say you ALIENATE them.
There's an odd modern delusion that its normal and somehow required behaviour to party as often as possible - not so. Some very normal people never like doing that, some like it and then grow out of it, and some never seem to grow up.
Have you tried forming friends with people who share your interests other than noisy drinking parties ? Party people don't tend to get into conversations, as they'd have to shout too loudly. Don't you or can't you, get to meet other mothers actually interested in their kids ? Or people at work ( if you also work outside the home ) or with similar interests and hobbies ?
How sad if at his age and after fathering 2 kids, your husband is still so immature that he feels there's something wrong with you for not boozing like him and his boys.
Sounds like you're surrounded by immature and boring people who are disappointed you're not equally immature and boring. Dont blame yourself for not being like that - be proud of being a better parent, and lok to develop more worthwhile areas of your life

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1
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/06

Overall, of course, some of us are more sociable, and some are happier on their own and enjoy their own company. Sometimes one WANTS to be sociable but feels so anxious in social situations that one stays along, but longs to be in the group, and then proper treatment for social anxiety, by meds and CBT counselling, can help a great deal.
But you talk of having had friends, and then alienated them all - how did you manage to do that ? Sometimes palds drift apart, with no hard feelings, but you say you ALIENATE them.
There's an odd modern delusion that its normal and somehow required behaviour to party as often as possible - not so. Some very normal people never like doing that, some like it and then grow out of it, and some never seem to grow up.
Have you tried forming friends with people who share your interests other than noisy drinking parties ? Party people don't tend to get into conversations, as they'd have to shout too loudly. Don't you or can't you, get to meet other mothers actually interested in their kids ? Or people at work ( if you also work outside the home ) or with similar interests and hobbies ?
How sad if at his age and after fathering 2 kids, your husband is still so immature that he feels there's something wrong with you for not boozing like him and his boys.
Sounds like you're surrounded by immature and boring people who are disappointed you're not equally immature and boring. Dont blame yourself for not being like that - be proud of being a better parent, and lok to develop more worthwhile areas of your life

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