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Question
Posted by: My car,not in my control | 2010/03/01

Obvious

Am I kind hearted or a fool.

I was in a very abusive relationship for 8yrs,my ex was arrested and an attorney was appointed on his behalf by friend,this attorney ended up being my responsibility.

We got close during consultations,we chatted,laughed,dated and realised we had a lot in common.I had never cheated before and here I was attracted to my monsters attorney.I ended things with the abusive boyfriend,months later I hooked up with his attorney and we became an item.

I love him so much,he is the best thing that ever happened 2me after the 8yrs of rape,torture ,repeated death threats.

We now engaged but live apart,we share a 3 month old son and my car.The car was bought when I was 7months pregnant,he on his own without consulting me decided that I am not going to drive for myself until the baby is about a month or so.At the moment he is a fulltime user of the car.He was using public transport and relying on friends for favours.

He is now used to the car,he has put new tyres,had it serviced,fixed all dents,renewed the painting,put on sound system .

How do I get my car back without hurting him and our relationship?I know he battles to get to work on public transport.

Whilst I was pregnant,he put up with a lot,my insults,tantrums,i would take my car and tell his friends its not his car but mine.He said he will give it back,its been 3month now?

Pls help!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Another example of how real-life complexities can out-do soapies in unlikely twists. It sounds ethically dubious for the attorney to have become involved with you - you don't say WHAT your ex was arested for, but if it was in relation to his abuse of you, then such a relationship was especially dubious. Professionals have a duty to recognize when their patients / clients are especially vulnerable, and to take special care not to expliot such vulnerabilities.
And now one of the complicaions - I don't understand at all whose car this actually is, but you need legal advice, and not from him. Check if there's a free law clinic at your neaest law school.
If you bought and paid for the car, then it is yours and he has no right to use it, and should return it as soon as you ask. That he chose to spend extra money on it is not really relevant, as it was done without your consent or request.
Lawyers are usually at least well-enough paid to be able to afford a car - as you live apart, do you know where all his money gets spent ? Has he anoher family and household, perhaps ? I agree with those readers who say he might be a more skilled and subtle abuser.


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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2010/03/01

Alternatively, ask him if he would like to buy the car from you so that you can get a new one.

Make sure you don''t get married in community of property, you want to hang on to what is yours.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2010/03/01

Tell him you think it''s time that he gets a car of his own. He is an attorney, he can probably afford it? Be very careful that you don''t end up being in another abusive relationship, more subtle than the first one.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: qwerty | 2010/03/01

If you paid for the car, and it''s registered in your name, then it''s your car! And you shouldn''t feel bad about taking back what is rightfully yours. Just tell him you need it back. If he refuses... well, that''s theft.
The fact that he initially took it without your consent is rather worrying as well..... But if you didn''t raise any concerns at that point, he might not have seen this as bad behaviour. And maybe he''s hoping you WON''T ask for it back, as it is a great deal more convenient than what he was used to! Have a gentle discussion with him and remind him of his original plan. I''m guessing you didn''t ask him to spend the money on the car that he did, so it''s up to you whether you want to pay him back for the tyres &  sound system etc.

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/03/01

Another example of how real-life complexities can out-do soapies in unlikely twists. It sounds ethically dubious for the attorney to have become involved with you - you don't say WHAT your ex was arested for, but if it was in relation to his abuse of you, then such a relationship was especially dubious. Professionals have a duty to recognize when their patients / clients are especially vulnerable, and to take special care not to expliot such vulnerabilities.
And now one of the complicaions - I don't understand at all whose car this actually is, but you need legal advice, and not from him. Check if there's a free law clinic at your neaest law school.
If you bought and paid for the car, then it is yours and he has no right to use it, and should return it as soon as you ask. That he chose to spend extra money on it is not really relevant, as it was done without your consent or request.
Lawyers are usually at least well-enough paid to be able to afford a car - as you live apart, do you know where all his money gets spent ? Has he anoher family and household, perhaps ? I agree with those readers who say he might be a more skilled and subtle abuser.


Reply to cybershrink

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