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Question
Posted by: Tired of wondering | 2008/10/06

Not sure what kind of relationship?

A while ago I became friends with a woman who has been through some trauma last year and also have really bad relationship experiences. At first I did not want to become romantically involved (although she did). The last couple of months I have come to adore (even love her) and told her as much. Although we now do everything together (for all intents and purposes we are an item) she has told me she needs time because when I initially did not want to commit she " switched"  off. I totally get that and I try as hard as I can to convinve her that I am sincere and show her in all ways that I will be good to her. However, I don' t get any special commitment from her. Although there is no one else for either of us and we spend all our time together I expect more. I want her to embrace the relationship and she has told me she wants to but after such a long time I wonder whether we will ever reach that stage where my overwhelming feelings for her is returned. I try and do whatever I can to make her feel special. She hates it when I spend time with other girls, but I don' t get that I' m special feeling from her.Should things be this complicated if it is to work out?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

So firstly she wanted yoj more than vice versa, and now you are showing stong interest, she has lost interest ? Sounds like a relationship that will not work out unless she sees a counsellor to deal with whatever trauma may have upset her prior to this, and perhaps joing you in some sessions of relationship counselling.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Me | 2008/10/06

Do you only want her because she doesn' t want you? If so, then this is all just a game to you. Let go, you' ll get over it.

I' m in a similar situation and there is a clear pattern. She' s afraid that you might change your mind again once she truly commits.

If you really love her, you' ll give her as much time as is necessary to win her trust. Be patient and don' t put too much pressure on her. Enjoy your time together and have fun together.

Reply to Me
Posted by: Tired of wondering | 2008/10/06

Thank you every one for your input. It is really appreciated. All I can say is that I am very serious about her. I have thought to keep on trying. Like I said - she isnt rejecting me. She just seems unwilling to take things to the next level. I suppose time will tell.

Reply to Tired of wondering
Posted by: Zola | 2008/10/06

I agree with Trudy. She liked you and you did not like her back. The only way to protect herself from liking someone who did not like her back was to close up.

I have also been there. The romance life is full of games these days. You open yourself up and poeple play you or reject you, so you figure, to protect yourself it is better not to care about a person. This is a very difficult thing to undo. I don' t know how you are going to do it, but you need to show her that you are not playing games. I suppose with time she will believe you. She is probably asking herself, if you are not playing games why do you suddenly like her when you made it clear that you didn' t. Why indeed...she is still the same person that you felt you did not like not so long ago. Games.

Reply to Zola
Posted by: trudy | 2008/10/06

This is a much shorter version of my story. I fell for a man who initially was very distant and not interested in commitment. Five years later I am the only woman he wants to be with but being initially rejected by him made my heart close up. Or it made me feel he is capable of going back to not wanting anything special. In other words he cannot be trusted.

You initially rejected this woman. You shd have just said to her ‘ lets give it some time and see what happens’  or ‘ I' m not sure yet’ . But you specifically said no. This was rejection. For you to now be accepting and wanting her so much is confusing for her heart and psyche. Because of her traumatic past, esp if it is rape, it is safer for her not to trust yr sudden affections in case they are not genuine.

I am sorry but you may have blown it when you told her you didn’ t want a relationship with her. Because of her painful history with men, this must have hurt her immensely even if she did not show it. For her to change her interpretation now may be too difficult, she feels a man has played with her heart yet again. She is reluctant to commit to you and is trying to protect her heart by keeping some emotional distance from you. It is my story exactly –  I refuse to be rejected by this man again even though he has come back and said he loves me.

Reply to trudy
Posted by: Just me | 2008/10/06

She' s not that into you.

Reply to Just me
Posted by: Lin | 2008/10/06

Couples counselling will be a good idea. You' ll both be able to raise the issues bothering yoy and you' ll be able to grow in the relationship. You don' t have to be engaged/married, ect to go for couples counselling. It' ll help you immensely!

Reply to Lin

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