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Question
Posted by: Aletta | 2012/08/30

Not sure if he loves me or need sex

November 2011 i found a guy on online dating site and luckily i found out that the guy is coming from the same village that i come from and he knows some of my family and i know some of his family however we do not know each other as we have never met before and ever since i met him online we have been communicating via the phone.
The guy is working in Bloemfontein and im in Pretoria so last december he asked to come to Pretoria so that we can sit down and talk about what we should a way forward of our thing and i agreed but due to some unforseen circumstanaces i dissapointed him as i did nt pitched for the appointment.He got very cross with me and decided to stop calling me and he was not even happy to take my calls so i decided to stop calling him too.

I took us 6 months not calling each other and July this year he called and say he is sorry for taking such a long time not calling and he wants us to meet and give our thing direction.He says he wants to marry me.
My concern is i have never heard him saying I LOVE U to me.Well i do not blame him at all as we havent met and talk our thing out.But he can talk all the SEX LANGUAGE he can.and alwyas when we on the conversation its about SEX not LOVE and he tells all that he is been single for quite a long time and he is HUNGRY for it.
Yes i understand that as there are some of the people that cannot cope well without sex for a long time.To me i do not take it allright as it sounds as if the man is after sex.I just dont know as i should allow him to visit and give him the sex he wants or what.But that not what i want all what i want is the man that can love me and settle down with.Please advise

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, if he came all the way from Bloem to Pretoria and you stood him up, its no wonder he was cross. Couldn't you have at least called him and let him know what was happening ? Circumstances may be unforeseen, but at least we can call and explain.
For him to be talking of marriage now, still not having met you, sounds like a bit too much too soon. You are wise to notice the difference between all his talk abou sex, and his silence about love. To agree to meet with him might or might not be a good idea, but don't feel you in any way need to give him the sex he seems so eager for.
Sandra's idea of meeting at your home village is a good one, if practical - dont either of you ever travel home to go there ? She's right, too, about the need to talk about all sorts of things, and stop the sex-talk, as you need to ind out whether he wants or is even interested in anything else. And yes, meet in a public place like a coffee shop, and dotn't have him at your own home until you know him a whole lot better and know whether you would in any way benefit from getting to know him better

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Our users say:
Posted by: Aletta | 2012/08/30

Thanks very much for your comments they are of much help to me.He is planning to go to our village september month end.I am going on the 3rd weekend of september.I will talk it out with him and if there is something that force him to be there month end i will adjust and leave the same date as his so that we can meet and have a chat over this.I think i have something special for him

Reply to Aletta
Posted by: Anon | 2012/08/30

Talking about sex and marriage without even having met each other before sounds a bit rushed. People tend to put their best foot first and leave out certain negative things about themselves with online relationships, things that you would notice if the person was sitting next you. I guess what I''m trying to say is - you guys really don''t know each other as well as you might believe and it''s best to just approach these kind of relationships without any expectations.

There are far easier ways to get laid than pursuing a woman via text and phone for such a long time, I honestly think that if he was only after sex he would have lost interest in chatting with you a long time ago and gone looking for it somewhere closer to home. I think it''s more likely that he has gotten certain expectations about what would happen once you do meet and you never clarified what your intentions for meeting him would be.

I think both of you want the relationship to move forward but you have different ideas of what forward means, I do think you should meet with him and discuss where things are going and just see how you get along in person. I like Sandra''s idea of meeting at your home village, if you both still have family there you could try and organise for both of you to visit your families at the same time, that way if things go sour, neither of you really made a wasted trip as you still get to visit with your families. Just make your intentions clear beforehand, that you want to get to know him in person before things get physical. How he handles that kind of news might also be a clear indications of what he is really after.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Sandra | 2012/08/30

I think you allowed him to talk about sex only. Change the subject and talk about something else and why should he visit your place. I think step number one is to meet when you are both at your home village. Meet him there and take it from there. Stop allowing this man to talk sex only i think there''s just a lot of things you can talk about besides sex unless if you really enjoy the topic. Did he ever ask you to visit Bloemfontein? If he does dont rather meet at a public place and what is your response when he talk about sex.? Talk about Oprah talk about Marikane talk about paralympics those type of topics will help you determine if you are compatible or not

Reply to Sandra
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/30

Well, if he came all the way from Bloem to Pretoria and you stood him up, its no wonder he was cross. Couldn't you have at least called him and let him know what was happening ? Circumstances may be unforeseen, but at least we can call and explain.
For him to be talking of marriage now, still not having met you, sounds like a bit too much too soon. You are wise to notice the difference between all his talk abou sex, and his silence about love. To agree to meet with him might or might not be a good idea, but don't feel you in any way need to give him the sex he seems so eager for.
Sandra's idea of meeting at your home village is a good one, if practical - dont either of you ever travel home to go there ? She's right, too, about the need to talk about all sorts of things, and stop the sex-talk, as you need to ind out whether he wants or is even interested in anything else. And yes, meet in a public place like a coffee shop, and dotn't have him at your own home until you know him a whole lot better and know whether you would in any way benefit from getting to know him better

Reply to cybershrink

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