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Posted by: Me! | 2009-04-02

Not sure! boyfried trouble

Doc, I need advise!

The thing is, my boyfried worked away from home almost 11moths out of the year, only coming home some weekends, now this had a very big affect on our relationship, we grew apart, we' ve been together for four years and it' s not always been easy, I sometimes wonder wether he really loves me, then I put it down to my own insicurity' s... I grew up in a abusive home where father and mother fighting being the norm, and where the children where told how usless and stupid they are, the list can go on, so I then think maybe that might have something to do with it, but im not always sure, now the thing is, this Dec it all came to a blow, we went on holiday with his fam, and all was okay until his niece told me that his sister said to them that he should have rather married his ex of about 7 or 8 years ago, because im not any better, that trury hurt me, but I never confronted her but I did tell him, and he just said maybe she was angry at me for some reason and I should not make a big deal of it and should just let it go, i did, but that was not the end of it, because about a week after that insedent, the he and I had an argument over something, and I felt I really could' t go on like this, im loosing myself, so I went for a walk to go and have a good cry where no one can see me, but as I was walking back home his niece came walking toward me, so we went and sat down at the beach, she asked me what the matter was, and I just started balling again, so she said that his sister told them something again, but she' s not sure whether she should tell me or not, and I kind of beged her to tell me so she did... apparentley HE said to his sister that he does' nt think we' ll ever get married and he' s not sure of his feelings for me, and apparentley he wanted to break up with me for a long time now but does' nt know how to let me go... so that just threw me completly, I was shatterd... we walked back home and I went to find him... and just calmly told him I think we should just end this, it' s not working, he got upset with me and just walked away, i did' nt tell him why.. so later I went to go find him to ask if we can talk but he was with his sister, I could' nt hear what was being said, but as I aproached all I heard her say is that she knows it' s not easy but maby it' s better it happend now... I just whent cold all over, I then asked him if we could talk, he just looked at me and said he first want to finish his game of darts, I said fine and just walked away, about 15min or so later he came and got me, so we just firstley talk of nothing inportend, and then he asked me if this is what I wanted, I said to him I see no other way... The folowing day I decided to ask him what he told his sister about us, he said nothing why... I then told him what his niece said his sister told her, he denied it and said he never said that, why would he... so he then said to me I have to decide wether I want to be with him or not and when I have I have to tell him what my decision was... so me being this stupid tipe of female, decided to stay with him, trying to believe he did not say those things.... but my problem is, i can' t forget what was said, and I try my utmost to be friendly toward his sister, but I cannot forgive her, she knows that I know what she said but she never appoligised, just pretended like she did nothing wrong, and I find it hard to get over that whole situation, i feel betrayed, by him... it feels like I have this missing part in my hart because he cannot be honnest with me, I have said to him, if you don' t whant to be with me just say so, and i' ll go, he then just reply' s " moet ons nou weer begin"  please, if you can make sense of this HELP!!!! I don' t know how> > 

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry, folks, for the delay in responding. I've spent an anxious day in the dark, as Tshwane City Council can't keep the lights on, and this is my third power-cut this year.
Why are people surprised that long-distance relatonships are difficult ? They're hard enough when you live together, let alone apart. And see a counsellor to clarify whether you are depressed and needing help with that, or perhaps with something else.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-04-03

This is real confusing as you hear one thing but he tells you another...Ask him again about this and tell him it will be the last time you will be asking and you want the truth and nothing but.
Listen t o his answer, take his word for whatever it is and then thry to move on and have that trust in him but also live your own life and enjoy it.Also do not ask him about it again.

If it blows up in your face then well at least you gave it your all, cut your losses and move on but i hope it works and he begins to treat you beter.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Me! | 2009-04-02

Thank you so much, it just feels realy good to be able to say something about this, I' ve been mulling it over for 3 Months now.

Reply to Me!
Posted by: BI | 2009-04-02

Baby cakes you cannot change anyone else...
You gotta gain acceptance of malicious people and just relaise they sad within themselves, that' s why they wanna see you fall / get worried / crack / fight with your boyfriend.

You know what? Just smile next time she says something malicious. And say something like " it' s ok, if my BF has something to say to me he will, right now we really enjoying each other so I don' t see how he could ve said that. but bye now, I' m going to live my life, would suggest you find a life to live and do the same"  conversation over.

Reply to BI
Posted by: Me! | 2009-04-02

No Zee, im from Pretoria, we were in Cape town when the paw - paw hit the fan.

BI, I wish I had the guts to leave him, I was in a relationship before where things were not working and I got out, but I just can' t seem to let go....

Where do I go, we met in the U.K, im from Durban, I gave up everything to be with him, I moved my life to Pretoria, been living with him in his parents home for 3 years, of course that in it' s own can give one issues, he is busy building " us"  a house, but I don'  t know how to feel, I truly felt betrayed by him, like what I feel does' nt matter, I would never ask him to choose between his fam and me, but I would appreciate him sticking up for me when they say things like that,.

Reply to Me!
Posted by: BI | 2009-04-02

Unless you leave you won' t know what it is to feel the best you can feel, and maybe how it will feel when someone really does like you and you know it, and feel it. I don' t even know if that actually exists, but while you' re waiting for him... you will never be able to find out.
Question is: do you want to stay in this comfort zone"  of at least having someone (even tho he' s making your heart sad) OR do you want to shake things up and see what falls out of it? It could be a surprise? A good one.
Risk vs. reward.

I don' t think that we were meant to have an empty space in our hearts while being with the supposed ' one we love' . 1 life. 1 chance. Use it, or lose it.

Reply to BI
Posted by: Zee | 2009-04-02

Shuks! This dsn' t sound too nice hey!
Are you in Cape Town?

Reply to Zee

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