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Question
Posted by: Wondering | 2010-01-08

Not Sure

Hi Cs!

Glad to see you back and missed you lots!
Tel me something, I am in a relationship, almost 3years.
Now say for instance we kiss and stuff and he wasnts to have sex but I dont but he does it in anycase even though you say no, is that rape? Like you say no but he just continues but you dont really resist. Also is that wrong? Or does it depend on how it makes you feel, being wrong or not?
Also say this happens but you end up liking it is it still rape?

Say you usually dont want to but every time he just does it because he is used to you saying no and used to just doing it even though you dont want to, he is used to this routine right, is that still wrong? Because afterwards you saying no actually mean yes to him because he is used to doing it after you saying no that its just normal.

Or is this just a stupid question and it actually just depends on what you feel/think is right and wrong for the situation...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi W,
Its hard to define rape at a distance, and much would depend on the details of the circumstances. If you were clear and adamant in your NO, struggled, and made it totally clear that you wanted no sex, and he persisted and effectively forced you to do so, that was probably rape. If you were reluctant, and he failed to respect this, but you went along with it reluctantly, it might not be rape technically, but it was still inconsiderate and a Bad Thing.
Considering whether such an event is Wrong, is something personal to you rather than to be decided by external definitions or the votes of others.
If you always say no, but always agree in the end and go along with it amicably enough, he may reasonably believe that your NO means perhaps at least a maybe, rather than a clear refusal.
More important than a philosophical or legal discussion of such issues, is what this recurrent pattern says about the relationship between you two - wouldn't some couples counselling be useful all round ?

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1
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-01-08

Hi W,
Its hard to define rape at a distance, and much would depend on the details of the circumstances. If you were clear and adamant in your NO, struggled, and made it totally clear that you wanted no sex, and he persisted and effectively forced you to do so, that was probably rape. If you were reluctant, and he failed to respect this, but you went along with it reluctantly, it might not be rape technically, but it was still inconsiderate and a Bad Thing.
Considering whether such an event is Wrong, is something personal to you rather than to be decided by external definitions or the votes of others.
If you always say no, but always agree in the end and go along with it amicably enough, he may reasonably believe that your NO means perhaps at least a maybe, rather than a clear refusal.
More important than a philosophical or legal discussion of such issues, is what this recurrent pattern says about the relationship between you two - wouldn't some couples counselling be useful all round ?

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