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Posted by: Kelly | 2009/11/02

Not Sure

Hi!
Just wondering…  I have been with my bf for 2yrs now.
Ok so he does not have that much patience when it comes to me, I took it as a good thing and maybe I need that to teach me to do things on my own. To be stronger and independent.
My ex spoilt me way too much and gave in to my every wish. I don’ t think it done me much good and made me very attached to him although I felt loved and not a care in the world.
I took it all for granted, broke up with him just before we were to get married and decided I needed to spread my wings.
That’ s when I received a wake up call as to what the world is really like.
I’ ve grown up, it’ s a give and take but I feel mostly give.
For me it seems he puts his needs in front of mine.
What I want is not that much of an issue, what I feel sometimes dsn’ t matter.
He loves me, he says he loves me but I don’ t think sometimes his actions do not prove this.
He has never cheated but simple things, he won’ t go out of his way for me.
Like you know when you in love with someone, that you feel you’ d do anything for them.
He would tell me oh I’ m tired, I don’ t feel like it which really makes me feel like I don’ t matter to him.
When I speak to him about it then he tells me everything he loves about me, he appreciates about me etc

Am I expecting too much? I mean I’ ve learnt to have patience, to be independent, to do thing son my own but sometimes I just want him there to do thing for me, with me.
He won’ t even bear to shop with me for like an hour.
He will go to the food court and tell me to call him when I’ m done while my ex used to love shopping with me and even stood there to check while I fit on clothes to see which looks good. We could have done it all day and he would not have minded.
I feel that I do love him but I also feel that maybe he makes me unhappy at times.
He makes promises and then forgets about them.

2 weeks back I made a simple mistake and he lost his temper and asked me if I have to act like a F’ n stupid C***!
I just kept quiet and said nothing, I could see afterwards that he regret losing it because he was trying to make up by buying me things, I just refused and he asked me if I was ok and what’ s wrong.
He usually does this and then he dsnt apologize, he tries to buy me back and it’ s as if the incident never happened.
Is it possible that he just cannot take pressure or does not know how to deal with stress as he has his own business and when things are not going well he tends to be short and swears at me.
He has called me a bitch, F’ n idiot, whore even though he was my first and only.
Afterwards he really regrets it then he would tell me how much he loves me, he just loses his temper and he will try to relax.
It dsnt happen often but the times it does then I really feel like I made a mistake.
I’ m also now wondering what he will be like when we get married, would he be able to change.
He said he would never ever hit me and how could I think something like that of him but those times the look in his eyes says something else.
I want to be with him but I want him to change those ways.

I think he has sensed a change in me now and constantly asks me if I still love him, whats on my mind, is anything bothering me.
I can' t be with someone like this but I want to be with him.

Can he change or does it just get worse from here

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Judging by your message, you sound like a very self-focussed and high-maintenance person. You quote many examples of where he doesn't do enough to make you feel good, as though that was supposed to be his main purpose in life. You don't mention anything you do to make HIM feel good, to help him deal with his stress, or to relax. You don't mention anything about what he enjoys, or wants - this whole really long message is about you.
If he really wants to stay with you, couples counselling would be a really good investment. If this relationship ends, as your previous one did, personal counselling might help you valuable to better understand yourself and how to relate to others on a more considerate and equal basis

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: anon | 2009/11/03

Everybody has flaws in their personality. You need to figure out in a partner what those flaws are, and whether or not you can live with them. If the answer is no, then you need to leave. People very rarely change their personalities.
Is it acceptable to you that he calls you names and swears at you? Is it something you think he is capable of changing? In terms of the amount of time and affection he spends on you, you need to figure out a balance between your having potentially unreasonable expectations, (very few men I know enjoy shopping with their partners!) and him not coming to the table at all.

Try having a frank discussion with him - it' s the only way you' re going to know what you need to do. And if he doesn' t want to talk, then I think you also have your answer.

Something I' ve learned in my own relationship is not to bottle up - something that was very hard for me to do! I' d take offense at something, and rather than telling my partner what was upsetting me (even when he asked) I' d just keep saying " I' m fine!"  even when my body language was very clearly telling him otherwise. Once we got to the point where I could actually tell him the problem while it was still a problem, our relationship improved drastically because once I heard his side I' d often find that I was over reacting. He also had to learn to listen to me, though - it' s always a two-way street.

Good luck...

Reply to anon
Posted by: Antana | 2009/11/03

Please never ever compare your partner,BF.or Hubby with your EX otherwise you will never get it right.Just give that person a chance and let him be himself because he will never be like your EX.

Reply to Antana
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/11/02

Judging by your message, you sound like a very self-focussed and high-maintenance person. You quote many examples of where he doesn't do enough to make you feel good, as though that was supposed to be his main purpose in life. You don't mention anything you do to make HIM feel good, to help him deal with his stress, or to relax. You don't mention anything about what he enjoys, or wants - this whole really long message is about you.
If he really wants to stay with you, couples counselling would be a really good investment. If this relationship ends, as your previous one did, personal counselling might help you valuable to better understand yourself and how to relate to others on a more considerate and equal basis

Reply to cybershrink

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