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Question
Posted by: Me | 2008/05/28

Not on speaking terms - help!..

My husband and I are not on speaking terms since easter weekend. Its nothin new because that s what usually happens when we had a disagreement, only difference is that its never lasted this long. He usually refuses to talk about it, says theres no sense in communcating because we will go in circles talking about the issue, if I try he says he'll listen but its as if Im talking to a zombie, he doesnt respond or react, so what eventually happens is I start talking to him after a few days of silence and living past each other in the same house, because I cant take the silence and because our lives must still carry on. We have to tallk about households issues that come up and we have to talk because we have a 1and a halfyear old son who needs things from both of his parents. My husband just doesnt get that.

THe last argument however, during the easter weekend, I decided Im tired so if he wants to stay mad at me and not talk, then thats fine, we can go on like that until he decides to communicate with me, but he doesnt care if we dont talk. We've been living past each other since easter, he leaves without saying goodbye in the morning, he comes home and we dont even look at each other. I cant phone him if I have a problem with whatever because he wont take my calls if he is cross with me, and that freaks me out because if I cant depend on my own husband who am I goingto depend on, its seriously affecting my sense of trust and security in him. My husband doesnt know how to apologise and make the situation better, Im not too proud to apologise or fix it if know I was at fault , out of depseration I sometimes tried to make ammends even when he was at fault, just because I couldnt handle the fact that its dragging on and holding us back. But its done more harm than good. It is common in his family that when someone is unhappy with something, they dont talk and they can carry on like that for years. His brother and sister are not on speaking terms for the last 10 years already.

When I asked him when we are going to resolve our problems, he told me he would rather die before he apologises. He refuses to go for counselling,he told me during our last argument that he wants a divorce. When I asked him a week later why he is still at home if he wants to get a divorce, he said he is waiting for me to leave, so I said Im not leaving our home and I refuse to inconvenience our son by packing up and going to live somewhere else, I told him tht I didnt give up on our marriage and ask for the divorce, so why should I leave . He responded by saying, Oh? so you want to stay? Ok stay then, but he said it in a very sarcastic vindictive tone, as if he wanted to say Im gonna show you how I frustrate you, to the point that you'll end up leaving. So I dont kow if thats what the silence is all about, if he is trying to frustrate me and push me to leave, because it is killing me and he knows I hate it.

Ive consulted a lawyer, but I asked myself why should I go through the trauma of starting divorce proceedings when its not me that suggested it and when Im not the one throwing in the towel? BUt I also cant carry on living like we are now. What do I do? Ive thought of a seperation, dont know if thats a good move

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Our expert says:
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Its not uncommon that a couple find that their discussions, especially if heated, go in circles and solve nothing --- that's where a marriage counsellor can help so much, by making the discussions more productive. But when he refuses to take part in counselling, or to discuss the issues and problems, then he guarantees that they will be insoluble. Don't move out, talk further with your lawyer. Maybe when he sees you are serious, he might change his negative attitude towards problem-solving

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: SBN | 2008/05/28

His family ignores one another when they are angry or upset. He now does it and your little one will learn to solve his problems this way.
Both you and your husband are acting childish. Imagine what your baby's going through.
Go and see your lawyer again, and start the divorce. If or when your husband confronts you about this, TELL him that you'll only resume your marriage if you can see a marriage counsellor. And then ONLY resume the marriage after the 1st appointment with the marriage counsellor.
He wants the divorce, I know, but you yourself said that you cant go on like this, so start then.
Good Luck sweetie. I know it must be hard, but do it before you go mad.

Reply to SBN
Posted by: EL | 2008/05/28

I don't really know what to say, but what I will do is to stay there, call my lawyer and file for divorce, I think that he will lose and he will be the one that must move! You can not live like this.

Reply to EL

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