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Question
Posted by: dw | 2011/05/30

not incl. in his future?

Ive been going out with my bf for 7 months now. In the beginning he always referred to me in his future plans, like he would say ''when you and I go to xxx'' etc. However over the last few weeks he doesnt do this anymore. He would now say ''I need someone with me'' and then quickly say ''i need you with me'' and over the past weekend he said ''me and my partner....'' About a month ago I raised it with him and we had a big fight because he said that he didnt mention his parents or his sister, so why should he mention me. So now I just listen and didnt raise the subject again with him, but I am taking it all in and it doesnt seem that I am included in his future anymore. I am 40 this year and if there is no future for us, then I dont want to waste my time. But maybe I am just being too sensitve again. What should I do coz I dont want to have another fight over the same topic. Thanks in advance.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe the argument started because he felt somehow your question accused him of something or touched on something he felt guilty or awkward about ? Choose a suitable calm time, when there is time to chat, and then, as babydoll says, you should start by saying you do not want an argument of fight, but are puzzled by the way he seems to be referring to the relationship in different ways, which make it very hard for you to plan your own future, and gently explain what you want to understand. If you can make it clearly about what you need to understand, rather than letting him see it as challenging him and his intentions, he might be able to respond in a more mature way.
If he can't do that, then there are significant problems in the relationship, which can't be solved if he wont discuss them in an adult fashion

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Our users say:
Posted by: babydoll | 2011/05/30

Ask him outright if you are included in his future plans.
You have the full right to do so.
And tell him upfront that this is not an argument question. All you want is a simple YES or NO answer.
All the best!

Reply to babydoll
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/30

Maybe the argument started because he felt somehow your question accused him of something or touched on something he felt guilty or awkward about ? Choose a suitable calm time, when there is time to chat, and then, as babydoll says, you should start by saying you do not want an argument of fight, but are puzzled by the way he seems to be referring to the relationship in different ways, which make it very hard for you to plan your own future, and gently explain what you want to understand. If you can make it clearly about what you need to understand, rather than letting him see it as challenging him and his intentions, he might be able to respond in a more mature way.
If he can't do that, then there are significant problems in the relationship, which can't be solved if he wont discuss them in an adult fashion

Reply to cybershrink

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