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Question
Posted by: Sandy | 2011-05-28

Normal or bit scary?

Hi doc,

I have had a rough time recently. My husband had an affair (which went on for three years unbeknown to me) and we are in the process of an acrimonious divorce. We have 3 small children. A month after my husband left, I met a man (a doctor) who I thought was lovely. He was kind, good company, understanding, supportive and just the kind of distraction I needed. Quite soon I realized he thought he would marry me. After 2 months he bought a house in my road. A big house. And spoke about whether the space would be ok for my children. In his head, he had met the woman he wanted &  decided that we would end up together. He told me he had never this way about anyone - even his ex wife.

Now generally, he''s really nice but a few things bother me:
1. He has a very low libido. If I initiate sex he''s sometimes turned me down or called me a nympho. I am still young and am attractive.
2. He often runs me down or draws attention to my faults. I gym a lot and have a good figure but he will point out stretcharks on my tummy, or a tiny scar on my chin, or point out that my breasts aren''t exactly symetrical. I don''t know if he does this because be is insecure or if he wants to break me down so I feel I am lucky to have him as no one else would want me.
3. The really worrying ones: he once said out of no where as we were watching tv " I''m going to chop you up in tiny pieces. That''s why I have such a big cooler box. I''ll take you to the game reserve and feed tiny bits of you to the lions and hyaenas &  no one will ever know where you went" . That''s just scary. What kind of person thinks and verbalizes something like that? He has an odd sense of humor but there is nothing funny in that. He has also wondered aloud what I''d do if he hit me as hard as he could on my head or shot me in my head. Would I cry and fall over? Or just fall down quietly? When I write this now it strikes me that those are not normal things to wonder or say to your girlfriend.

Now bear in mind that he''s a doctor and nice most of the time. I know if I did end up with him that my children and I would be well looked after and financially secure. I love spending time with him but I''m not sure if I love him because I need him. I''m also scared that maybe he''s not 100% stable ?

Advice appreciated

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

This guy sounds extremelty creepy,and I'm bothered by the thought that he may be a doctor.
The very low libido could be a problem, but is one of the sort that can be dealt with if you worked on it together as a stable couple, with counselling and perhaps medication. But for him to blame you and abuse you for wanting sex, is immature and irresponsible. He does indeed sound awfully insecurel
To pick on physical aspects of you he doesn't fancy is also abusive and ugly - and if he really finds these minor things a problem, then why doesn't he seek a woman who meets his exceedingly unreasonable expectations - and pray that she will accept his imperfections ?
The talk of chopping up into little pieces is sick. NOT even a lousy attempt to be funny, just sick and scary.
Nice most of the time is irrelevant if someone is that perverted some of the time. Financial security until one ends up as pet food is not a good option. Ease out of the relationship carefully and cautiously, and be free and safe - that's worth more than any temporary financial security

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Laurie | 2011-06-01

My dear, this man sounds psychotic. you are still need to work through your emotions after your failed long relationship withh your ex husband. It hurts a woman terribly when a man betrays her with another. Are you not just looking for c omfort in the wrong place?
See a counsellor. My husband had an affiar for two years and started it when I was pregnant with our second. itcarried on until the woman called to let me know. I was distraught for a very long time. Please, go to counselling. You are on dangerous grounds. break it off with the pshycho doctor. Your kids are worth it.

Reply to Laurie
Posted by: Caro | 2011-05-30

Run, baby, run.
Freaky and scary. If you don''t get out of it for your sake (which is reason enough) consider your three children. He is insecure and unstable and will be jealous especially if he has a low libido. He will start accusing you of running around just so he can have an excuse to beat you emotionally and (he has promised) physically. Be careful as you leave the relationship. Protect the children first and foremost.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Realist | 2011-05-29

I think you are quite right to be apprehensive of this guy. To start off with, his comments regards you body shape etc is really very unkind and certainly not normal. His low libido is another area of concern. If he is like this in the beginning of a relationship, how will it be down the line. Mutual sexual attraction and action are so important in a good relationship, I would be worried about his attitude. Now his fantasy if cutting you up is simply too much. That''s really creepy and an ugly thing to say. No, I am afraid I would ease out of this relationship and find someone more suitable. To hell with financial security, you could end up as pet food !!

Reply to Realist
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-05-29

This guy sounds extremelty creepy,and I'm bothered by the thought that he may be a doctor.
The very low libido could be a problem, but is one of the sort that can be dealt with if you worked on it together as a stable couple, with counselling and perhaps medication. But for him to blame you and abuse you for wanting sex, is immature and irresponsible. He does indeed sound awfully insecurel
To pick on physical aspects of you he doesn't fancy is also abusive and ugly - and if he really finds these minor things a problem, then why doesn't he seek a woman who meets his exceedingly unreasonable expectations - and pray that she will accept his imperfections ?
The talk of chopping up into little pieces is sick. NOT even a lousy attempt to be funny, just sick and scary.
Nice most of the time is irrelevant if someone is that perverted some of the time. Financial security until one ends up as pet food is not a good option. Ease out of the relationship carefully and cautiously, and be free and safe - that's worth more than any temporary financial security

Reply to cybershrink

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