Posted by: Anon | 2013-02-08

No sex with my husband

My husband and I have gone through a bit of a rough patch lately. Normally we would have sex once a week maybe. I run my whole household and although I have a full time maid I also work full time. When we get home, I still have to cook, and bath the kids, put them to bed and then still shower and tidy the house up. My husband does not help much.

By the time I sit down its almost 10pm and I''m exhausted. Now I know I need to make the time to be intimate with my husband. But right now its not high on my priority list.

I feel that he needs to help me in the house and then maybe I''ll have a bit more energy for other things. He also expects me to come to him and to initiate the sex. But I want him to come to me. We don''t kiss anymore either, he has said that he does not enjoy it much, but I love it! It is also very boring with the same position all the time. There is no fun anymore.

I''ve spoken to him time and time again, but it always results in a fight and he takes it personally and feels that I''m attacking him as a man. And that he is not capable enough and does not satisfy me.

Sex does also not last very long, and he gets very worked up about it.

I don''t know what to do as I feel very frustrated and very bored with him sexually that is most probably the reason why I''m not interested much.

Please can you kindly offer me some advise?

Thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Dear Anon,

Your description of the reality of your life and relationship and its impact on your sexual relationship is very very common.

Your predicament I would say applies to almost 70% of heterosexual women I see as a sexologist, who have children and need to work full time.

Unfortunately this forum would not be sufficient to address your problem. The reality you and your husband find yourself in has come into existence over time by the setting in of patterns of behaviour, often driven by pre-existing ideas, beliefs, values and cutlural practices with regards to the role of wife, mother, father, husband etc, each shaped by your individual families of origin.

On top of that you both have your individual personalities, temperaments and ways or reacting to difficult and challenging situations.

My best advice would be to consult a couples & sex therapist to help you unravel and then navigate a new path for your relationship and sexual relationship.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Ron | 2013-02-15

At least you try and Maybe even make a joke of it. Carry on hammering his thick skull, one day he might wake up.

Reply to Ron
Posted by: Aurora | 2013-02-15

So many of us in the same boat!!!! Married for 10yrs now and I can all but count the number of times we had sex in the past year on one hand.

I can''t talk to hubby as well. Not open to counselling. Also not very adventurous in bed. I bought books and left them in our room (no idea where they are now) so that he could page thru them. I never told them they are for him, but said I thought they were interesting so I bought them. He thought I was mad for buying stuff like that. He is too prudish.

Funny, driving to work this morning, I was just thinking, we have never had a conversation about sex. Not even joked about it.

Reply to Aurora
Posted by: just me | 2013-02-13

Wld you like to cht belindzie at gmail dot com

Reply to just me
Posted by: Maximus | 2013-02-12

Well, I love coming to this website and reading about the issues and the advice offered by members, but i invariably leave depressed after reading a post like the one above.

Well, I must say that my wife must be the luckiest woman alive!!!
I cook(although she sometimes does), i clean, I Change Nappies and bath/feed/dress children, Mow the lawn, pay for all houshold expenses except food and school fees, I get up for the kids around 90% of the time for bottels/ nappy change or nightmares or fever, wake up early to prepare kids for school and make wife a cup of tea, and i let her sleep late on week-ends while i entertain the lil'' ones.
All I ask is a bit of leg-over only once a week! Perhaps some oral sex every now and then and a change from boring missionary position, and perhaps (if she were to intiate would also make me feel wanted) - i will be a happy man (really exstatic if a 3some were offered but i could live without it)

Dont understand as we both work full time demanding jobs, although hers might be bit more stressfull

Instead i have kept a diary of my few sexual encounters with my significant other just as a reminder of how truly wipped i am:
10 Jan ''13 - I Initiate - become bored with Missionary so i dont climax
21 Jan'' 13 - I initiate - manage to climax
06''Feb - I initiate - dont climax (we were both intoxicated from an earlier function)
8 Feb ''13 - I Initiate - She is too tired
10 Feb ''13 - I Initiate - She is too tired
11 Feb '' 13 - I dont bother initiating as she has made it clear she wants an early night.

Now do I conscript myself to a sexless marriage, where my only form of plessure is the 3 times a day i manange to masturbate at work as i am tired of being let down at home.

Reply to Maximus
Posted by: Uncle BOB | 2013-02-12

Finally, we hear of a woman going through the same we men suffer all too often.
I went through that for the last six years of my married life, with her complaining the same way you do, however I was filling the parenting role and her having a blast at my and the kids cost.
We have been divorced since last year, with the kids now living with me and only seeing her every second weekend. The best thing the kids and I could ever have done.
In my oppinion this is just an excuse used all too often by women, some I might add do have merrit, however I lived the life you live and was still very excited to see her every day.
Be very careful, you stand a very good chance of loosing him, and if I had known what an excuse it was I would have left a long time ago.

Reply to Uncle BOB
Posted by: Ron | 2013-02-08

I''m a man and I know exactly how you feel, I''m in exactly the same situation. No I don''t do the housework or cook, but I do help around the house, just being told and doing it. I also provide my family with the best of everything. Last sex, maybe 2 years, also long for a hug and a kiss, but I also took a vow and love my boys too much to disappoint them in any way. So Anon you are not alone, I just hope our partners could read.

Reply to Ron
Posted by: Anon | 2013-02-08

XXX - thank you for your response. I''ve tried on many occasions to speak to him but we can''t communicate. That is one of the biggest problems in our marriage. He refuses to see a marriage councellor. So what do I do?

I always make time for us. Every now and then we leave the kids with his mom and go out and try and have some fun. We''ve gone away on " dirty"  weekends, but it never gets anywhere I''m afraid.

I took a vow when we got married, to stick by him through good times and bad, and what kind of wife would I be to give up on our marriage. But there is only so much I can take!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: XXX | 2013-02-08

It is interesting to see that there are women out there that still want &  enjoy sex.It looks like you have a selfish husband/lover,both in the house &  in the bedroom.
I think you need to have a serious heart to heart with him,even if it means he feels " hurt" .
Have you tried going away for a dirty week end,just the 2 of you so you can try and reconnect again.
I think he is taking you for granted.

Reply to XXX

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