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Question
Posted by: shark | 2010/08/20

no sex from fiance

i find myself in a situation were we have it maybe 2 to 3 times a month, i always want it but she will always come up with some or other idea wht we cant, because of this i have found myself not wanting to have sex with her at all, i still want to have sex just not with her anymore, i realy hope that she will understand when she wants to do it and i say no

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

This sounds like a worrying beginning to your relationship (I see you are engaged). I recommend that this is addressed before you go on to marry as these things don't just naturally resolve themselves. Whilst I can sympathise with your reaction, it is also going to contribute to a negative spiral and I fear that this will lead to greater problems in the relationship.

The reasons for her avoidance of sex need to be understood - it is reasonable that you ask for an understanding. She may not be able to understand this by herself as most of us have limited knowledge of our sexual response and so we often apply unrealistic expectations on ourselves or our partners. Your reaction also needs to be addressed as it sounds a little passive aggressive - you need to be clear with her about your concerns and address them head on rather than with tit-for-tatting. Tell her you want to understand what is going on and try to address it rather than simply avoiding the problem.

Claire - SASHA

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Our users say:
Posted by: A girl | 2010/08/24

Quick question to all who commented above, are your wives, girlfriends and fiances on a contraceptive? If you answer yes, then thats your problem. I used to be like that. Why? Because your mind wants sex but your body can''t get wet. Drop the pill and use condoms. My husband and I DONT have your problem anymore!

Its either this, or she''s getting it elsewhere

Reply to A girl
Posted by: Sexologist | 2010/08/21

This sounds like a worrying beginning to your relationship (I see you are engaged). I recommend that this is addressed before you go on to marry as these things don't just naturally resolve themselves. Whilst I can sympathise with your reaction, it is also going to contribute to a negative spiral and I fear that this will lead to greater problems in the relationship.

The reasons for her avoidance of sex need to be understood - it is reasonable that you ask for an understanding. She may not be able to understand this by herself as most of us have limited knowledge of our sexual response and so we often apply unrealistic expectations on ourselves or our partners. Your reaction also needs to be addressed as it sounds a little passive aggressive - you need to be clear with her about your concerns and address them head on rather than with tit-for-tatting. Tell her you want to understand what is going on and try to address it rather than simply avoiding the problem.

Claire - SASHA

Reply to Sexologist
Posted by: Dan | 2010/08/20

Also sitting with that problem.

There can be a host of problems/issues. The reasons my GF said that she doesnt want sex that often are as follows:

1. I''m too big and I hurt her (I tried the suggestion that she stays on top and works the depth)
2. I sometimes come before her (I suggested that she does what feels good for her and just before she comes I will do my thing)
3. The excuse " women don''t want it as often as men" .

So we tried all of that. We sometimes have sex for like 3 days in a row. Then it stops, once a week ect. I can live with it. I can keep myself busy. I''ve also tried numerous other things like first getting her hot and bothered and then we have sex. Sometimes she just jumps my bones and I''ve tried to say " no"  but hell, it''s so nice.

Reply to Dan
Posted by: sideways | 2010/08/20

I have this exact situation with Gf. It''s been going on for 2.5 years now. I have spoken to her about it at length and a million times. I have helped her with the stresses in her life and tried to address all the reasons why she doesn''t want to have sex. I have been gentle, I have also raged. I have explored all possibilities. I am now going to try couples therapy as despite all my efforts nothign has changed. I feel resentful now and angry. I feel controlled by her. Couples counseling is my last resort because I love her. If that doesn''t work I will not get married because I know I will end up cheating. I don t want to be that man. So my advice, try couples counseling and then make a decision. Hopefully couples counseling helps you make that decision. Good luck. I know how terrible this feels. It even makes you feel guilty and doubt yourself etc.

Reply to sideways
Posted by: shark | 2010/08/20

i have tried talking to her about it but that dont help, so i''ll c what she does when she see''s that i no longer have intrest in having sex with her

Reply to shark
Posted by: Jox | 2010/08/20

Wow, someone that feels exactly like I do. Remember that sex in the marriage decrease like in 80% so you will be in a situation like having sex once in 4 to 6 months. I don''t understand why women don''t want to participate in sex as often as men do (or want to do). Whats gonna happen in the future is that you will go and seek it elsewhere and you will get caught and it will end up in a divorce. So stop wasting your time, go and get it else where and if you get caught there will be no divorce. Why being in a situation where you are miserable everyday where you can be happy and also tell her that you plan to cheat if she is not gonna get her act together.

Reply to Jox
Posted by: shark | 2010/08/20

i have asked het about it, she just always has a diff excuse, when i think of sex with her i just think of all the excuses and then just dont bother anymore

Reply to shark
Posted by: Egg | 2010/08/20

Very immature Shark.

Be a man and rather discuss it with her and be open about it.

Reply to Egg
Posted by: Tk | 2010/08/20

shark - Again communication, talk to her and find out why doesn''t she want to have sex, maybe she''s got a problem you dont know.

Good luck.

Reply to Tk
Posted by: Woman | 2010/08/20

So why get married? There are obviously some problems you two need to sort out first. Know this, if it is like this now, it will be the same or worse when you''re married.

Sort out the problems before the wedding or you''re setting yourself up for a divorce/ affair/ horrible marriage (remember - marriage vows are supposed to last " as long as you both shall live" )

Reply to Woman

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