You are describing a situation that has gone on for a long time and is in danger of becoming even further entrenched. It is impossible to answer a question of such complexity in a short posted response but the following pointers may be helpful.
1. It’s important to talk to each other so that each knows what the others expectations and feelings are around sex. There may be resentment, anger, frustration and many unspoken feelings that if not acknowledged will further worsen the problem.
2. There may be aspects of human sexuality that you would benefit from knowing more about e.g. the range of ways in which sexual pleasure can be experienced, parts of the body which are most sexually responsive etc.
3. Establish basic intimacy that is not necessarily sexual, including good communication, thoughtfulness, empathic behaviour, mutual validation and careful listening to the other.
4. Give yourselves permission to experiment and introduce novelty to your sexual experience. After several years, a couple can get stuck in a rut.
5. Make space and time to dedicate to your relationship far away from the pressures of everyday life.
If you continue to experience problems you would be strongly advised to see a sex therapist to help the two of you reconnect sexually.
Anthony – SASHA. For further information please consult SASHA’S website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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