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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2012/10/15

No sex drive, urgent help please

Good Day Doc

I have a huge problem and don''t know what to do about it. I hate having sex. It''s not just now, it''s been like this for a while.

My husband and I met when we were aged 20 and 21.
I was still a virgin when we met. We got married at age 24 and 25. We are now aged 30 and 31 and have two toddlers.

Sex has never been important to me, but we didn''t have any problems back then. This past 4 years i hate having sex.
I don''t enjoy it at all and just do it to please my husband. It also didn''t bother me doing it this way. He got what he want and I could go back to sleep or whatever I was doing.

The things that do bother me though is that he doesn''t really care how I look before having sex. For me it is important to at least look nice (shaved legs ect.) but things like that doesnt'' bother him, and I thing that is what puts me off most. The fact that he doesn''t care if i look like I just stepped out of the washing bin.
It is also starting to be a painfull activity for me. I just wish it over. I don''t think I know what an orgasm is. I did have fun once, but not sure that is really it. I think I expected more when I was still a virgin. I really knew nothing.

It is so bad that in this past 2 years we had sex less than 10 times. We don''t talk or fight about it, so it doesn''t come forward as a problem in our relationship. We just go about our daily routines of which sex has no part in.

I is starting to bother me now because we are still very young and isn''t this surposed to be the best time of our lives? We never have someone to look after our kids so we don''t do stuff together as a couple.

What should I do??

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Hi Anon
You are describing a situation that has gone on for a long time and is in danger of becoming even further entrenched. It is impossible to answer a question of such complexity in a short posted response but the following pointers may be helpful.

1. It’s important to talk to each other so that each knows what the others expectations and feelings are around sex. There may be resentment, anger, frustration and many unspoken feelings that if not acknowledged will further worsen the problem.
2. There may be aspects of human sexuality that you would benefit from knowing more about e.g. the range of ways in which sexual pleasure can be experienced, parts of the body which are most sexually responsive etc.
3. Establish basic intimacy that is not necessarily sexual, including good communication, thoughtfulness, empathic behaviour, mutual validation and careful listening to the other.
4. Give yourselves permission to experiment and introduce novelty to your sexual experience. After several years, a couple can get stuck in a rut.
5. Make space and time to dedicate to your relationship far away from the pressures of everyday life.

If you continue to experience problems you would be strongly advised to see a sex therapist to help the two of you reconnect sexually.

Anthony – SASHA. For further information please consult SASHA’S website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: spikyzee | 2013/02/05

i have a problem with not wanting to have sex or get aroused.

Reply to spikyzee
Posted by: sexologist | 2012/10/16

Hi Anon
You are describing a situation that has gone on for a long time and is in danger of becoming even further entrenched. It is impossible to answer a question of such complexity in a short posted response but the following pointers may be helpful.

1. It’s important to talk to each other so that each knows what the others expectations and feelings are around sex. There may be resentment, anger, frustration and many unspoken feelings that if not acknowledged will further worsen the problem.
2. There may be aspects of human sexuality that you would benefit from knowing more about e.g. the range of ways in which sexual pleasure can be experienced, parts of the body which are most sexually responsive etc.
3. Establish basic intimacy that is not necessarily sexual, including good communication, thoughtfulness, empathic behaviour, mutual validation and careful listening to the other.
4. Give yourselves permission to experiment and introduce novelty to your sexual experience. After several years, a couple can get stuck in a rut.
5. Make space and time to dedicate to your relationship far away from the pressures of everyday life.

If you continue to experience problems you would be strongly advised to see a sex therapist to help the two of you reconnect sexually.

Anthony – SASHA. For further information please consult SASHA’S website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com.

Reply to sexologist
Posted by: billy | 2012/10/15

Have you ever talk to your husband about your feelings, how you feel and that you want to do it it the " right "  way. I know that men does not see things ,like if your legs are shaved or not ( and I dont say all men, there is men that notice all these things)
I am for one is not a romantic person, but our sex life is good, but since we were married (39 years ) we talk ,when something is bothering.

Reply to billy

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