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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2011/07/13

No sex anymore in our relationship

We met at school and she fell pregnant at 18 and it hasn''t been the same since then. We were married for 6 six years after realizing last year that it is over, we got a divorce. We stayed very close and 1 year later we decided to try again. 2 months later and there''s trouble again. She doesn''t want to have sex. After speaking to an expert at her work, under hypnosis, it became apparent that she''s only in it for the sake of our child. We do really love each other very much but she doesn''t to have sex with me anymore. The reason according to her (after the session) is that she is holding me responsible for falling pregnant at 18 just like her mother and that I was emotionally and physically unavailable during the pregnancy. I''ve tried to be the best partner that I can be since we got back together but it seems it was for nothing. Should she keep going with these sessions or not. I''m truly hurt by all this and don''t know what to do. I don''t want our child to go through another break up again. She is almost 8 now.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It isn't wise to separate or divorce, or, even more so, to get back together "to try again" without the assistance of a properly qualified shrink / marriage counsellor. I am amazed to hear that any company would provide the absurd services of hypnosis at work, offering an unproven and odd service like that rather than proper psychiatric or psychological services through proper medical aid benefits.
Information obtained under hypnosis is believed only by the very naive, as it is unavoidably unreliable, as every properly trained mental health professional ought to know.
That she became pregnant a 18 was the responsibility of her as much as you, so nobody should encourage her to blame you alone, and to evade her own personal responsibility for her behaviours and choices as well as yours.
She should certainly NOT continue with sessions involving hypnosis which no competent mental health authority would recommend for marital problems, just as none would recommend counselling of any kind solely for one partner in the marriage.
Proper mariage counselling involving both of you, without the use of hypnosis, would be the right way to go.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: fgfg | 2011/07/14

Jah neh. Relationships are tough. must say i love your response. Ma''m. it is refreshing to hear someone say - work on it. often what you hear in this forum is that leave him or her. he or she does not appreciate you yad yad yada. Nobody wants to work for a relationship anymore. It is not easy getting someone who can stand you and you do get one who is willing to try. Then you owe it everything to give it your all. word

Reply to fgfg
Posted by: Pat | 2011/07/14

Has she told you if she still loves you? Have you had a calm conversation with her to see what''s wrong.

Unfortunately, even though we tend to find it easier to talk about things than men do, there''s still many things a woman won''t be able to admit to or discuss out of fear or because of other insecurities.

IF she still loves you, have you thought that maybe she recognizes that you''re showing more interest in the role of a father but she doesn''t enjoy sex with you? Maybe you think you''re doing everything right, but maybe it''s not the way she wanted it and she''s angry that you haven''t got it yet? Don''t be surprised with this, but many women fake orgasms until the day they realise they don''t want to fake them anymore. We see posts by women in this position in this forum all the time. They fake orgasms every time, so the husbands apparently don''t have a clue that something is wrong. Maybe she''s just unhappy with your " performance"  or feels sexually and emotionally neglected, even though you think everything is fine. It''s VERY normal for a woman in this situation to reject a partner sexually.

I think many articles aren''t accurate, but the other day I saw an article on Health24 called " mistakes men make in bed"  and thought every man on this planet should read it. Please feel free to read it too, and check if you''re making any of those " mistakes" . The article is near the bottom of the page, on the right side. Number 6.


One other option is if she loves you but can''t stop thinking that life " ended"  when she got pregnant and she didn''t get to enjoy her early 20''s the same way she would have if she hadn''t had the baby. But in a case like that, you''d be able to tell. For example, is she very irritable? Often frustrated? Angry? Depressed? Does she fight a lot with you?

I think you should talk to her to try to understand what she wants for the future and how you can help her be happy, in case she wants a future with you. If you love her as much as you say, don''t pressurize her. Let her feel free to stay with you or not. Try to pay more attention to her needs (including being left alone sometimes, if she needs a little time to herself) and try to spend quality time with your daughter without being asked, as well as help around the house.

Even if she doesn''t love you anymore, if you become a good father and an understanding partner, she might start to think she would never find such a good man elsewhere and she might fall back in love with you.

Be patient, give it time, and make an effort in the meanwhile to prove that you love your family (and after too because you don''t the relationship to fall apart at a later time.)

Relationship aren''t easy, they require a lot of work, especially when children are involved. But when all parts work together, everything is much more enjoyable. :)

Reply to Pat
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/07/14

It isn't wise to separate or divorce, or, even more so, to get back together "to try again" without the assistance of a properly qualified shrink / marriage counsellor. I am amazed to hear that any company would provide the absurd services of hypnosis at work, offering an unproven and odd service like that rather than proper psychiatric or psychological services through proper medical aid benefits.
Information obtained under hypnosis is believed only by the very naive, as it is unavoidably unreliable, as every properly trained mental health professional ought to know.
That she became pregnant a 18 was the responsibility of her as much as you, so nobody should encourage her to blame you alone, and to evade her own personal responsibility for her behaviours and choices as well as yours.
She should certainly NOT continue with sessions involving hypnosis which no competent mental health authority would recommend for marital problems, just as none would recommend counselling of any kind solely for one partner in the marriage.
Proper mariage counselling involving both of you, without the use of hypnosis, would be the right way to go.

Reply to cybershrink

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