Posted by: DESPERATE | 2009-09-21

No Sex

Hi Doc,

My Wife and I are both 31  married 4 years. No kids.

She has become totally disinterested in intimacy. She avoids the topic completely. She avoids every advance I make.
I don' t know where else to turn.

I' ve tried everything ( I think ) from the dinner-movies, flowers, jewelery, walks, picnics, hanging out, bonding, just chatting.
I DON' T EXPECT sex from every effort/advance.
Our highest degree of intimacy is the fact that we sleep next to each other.
We have sex once every 1 to 2 months, and even then she treats it like a " duty"  or chore she has to complete  her attitude towards it has changed horribly.

Another concern of mine is that she has NEVER seen a Gynaecologist  EVER. She refuses. Is this normal ?

I love my Wife more than words can tell, but I really don' t know what to do, as, as I say, she refuses to even address the issue.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

There are a number of reasons for having a low sex drive, including natural variation between people, but in more severe cases it could be due to physiological factors, or even restrictive/negative learning about sex or sexual relationships such that sexuality is suppressed or ‘deprioritised’. Drive can also fluctuate during the menstrual cycle, and typically is higher in the first 6mnths-3yrs of a relationship (due to chemical/hormonal changes in this time). Many women begin to feel resentful if they feel they HAVE to have sex - and that reduces their sexual interest; your wife may in fact begin to avoid affection and other intimacy because she's afraid it'll lead to sex. The best way forward is to drop the expectation, and go with the flow more. Talk to her about this so she knows she can relax a bit. She probably knows that you have a higher sex drive than she does, so maybe talk about ways that this can be met when she's not desiring it (a useful way of talking about it is like other sexual appetites - I'm hungry, you're not, would you mind making me a sandwich or should I make myself one?). If it ends up with you 'making yourself one' (i.e. masturbating) more often than not, this also needs to be addressed as she could drive her response a little more to meet some of your needs. It sounds like she is a very private person and could be afraid of going to a gynaecologist. Fears are normal. If she is more comfortable with a family doctor, he / she could also do the checkups if there are no problems or symptoms. Visit the SA Sexual Health Association website for more information

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Ja | 2009-09-22

Your hormone levels are out of sync. have them checked. Noone needs to0o live a life without a healthy sexual appetite.
Its only a Dr' s visit away.

Reply to Ja
Posted by: Rob | 2009-09-22

She' s chaowing somebody.......

Reply to Rob
Posted by: Passion | 2009-09-22

I tried a supplement called libido for women (made by a company called Herbology - can get it from Dischem) and I was amazed by how relaxed and refreshed even after chasing around our 2 year old. Those ladies who are stuggling might want to try something similar

Reply to Passion
Posted by: My advice | 2009-09-22

It' s very sad that Maden thinks sex is overrated, if that' s the case you have been having bad sex most of you life, which as we know is a common problem. Sex is a wonderful part of a loving relationship, and a relationship WILL NOT last any length of time without it, unless you both feel the same way of course. Desperate &  his wife need to get professional help in order to get to the root of the problem, as what you are describing is NOT normal by any means.The fact that she has never been to see a Gynae is absolutely NOT normal, it is essential for a woman to see a Gynae, and should have a pap smear once a year.

Reply to My advice
Posted by: Same here | 2009-09-21

I also dont think she has an affair. Maybe I' m just extremely tired and exhausted (I am a stay at home mom). After the birth of our son 14 months ago, sex for me doesn' t exist. Its so bad that hubby asked me to move out of the room and sleep in the spare room. He also thinks I have an affair or that I feel nothing for him, but that is not true. As I said - Im TIRED and I have nobody or nowhere to leave my son.

Really dont have advice for you, but can imagine how you feel.

Good luck, hope you can sort things out.

Reply to Same here
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-09-21

I have to agree with Maden. Your wife might have lost her physical attraction to you. However, this does not mean that she is having an affair, but it also does not mean that she is not physically attracted to someone else. I know because I am in the same situation: does not want to have sex with husband, would like to have sex with someone else, but too descent to actually do it.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: maden | 2009-09-21

i dont think your wife is cheating. i love my husband to death, but i dont like to have sex. it' s just too overrated. i dont want to do it with him nor do i want to do it with someone else. we normally have sex once every 2 weeks, and it' s a duty i have to perform as a wife

Reply to maden
Posted by: john | 2009-09-21

The truth of the fact is that she is doing somebody els, somebody els is getting what you are begging for. Do some investigation and you will see why you don' t get any nookie.

Reply to john
Posted by: Anon | 2009-09-21

More than likely she is getting it elsware, it usually is the case. I would check this out and see if she is having an affair.

Reply to Anon

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