Posted by: Sam | 2009-01-15

no need for sex

HI Docter,

Im sure you get this situation alot... but here it goes...

I am in love.. I have the most amazing boyfriend. He treats me very well, always goes out of his way and is just lovely...

my problem is this... I need to remind myself that we need to have sex... its not that the sex is bad.. i do enjoy it when we have it... but .. to be honest i could go without sex... i have been like that with my other boyfriends... my current boyfriend is very attractive.. he is exactly my type... the night we met, i had the " he is so gorgeous, waaay out of my league"  attitude...

he said to me the other day that the longer we date.. the less sexual i get.. i have done the outfits etc.. and he loves that.. but the problem is that he feels that i never come on to him or make him feel that i find him desirable... which ofcourse i do..
i suppose i just treally forget to come onto him... or would rather go do something social together... or just talk or cuddle...

I would just rather go out for dinner or watch a movie.. it seems to be like sex is a chore for me.. something expected in a relationship... he does give me orgasms... and they are fantastic.. i do enjoy the odd blue movie, and it does ' turn me on' ... but i cant tell my bf " just wait for 10minutes while i watch a blue movie so i can get into the mood"  everytime he wants to have you see how my situation is a contradiction...

i want to be like other girls who talk about their sex life and have it 4 times a week.. and WANT to have it...

I know that denying my bf or ignoring the fact that he needs it will ruin our relationship.. im not a selfish person at all.. and i go out of my way in every other aspect in our relationship for him.... what is wrong with me???

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

The disparity between men and women often occurs. This is common experience that women are not so actively aware of their sex drive/desire and that men are much more actively aware of it. Women often need to get out of their heads before they realize that they would actually enjoy or want sex. I would suggest the following website that might provide some interesting information and exercises that could be helpful – Read a bit about the difference in sexual response between men and women. I always describe women to be a bit more like old Cadillac’s – they need a bit of warming up before you can take them on the open road and men are more like the cars of today that you can start and drive full out. Maybe the two of you could explore a bit more foreplay to get you slowly into the feeling of wanting intimacy. It is not a matter of who is right and who is wrong, but finding a way to meet one another half way. Sometimes women need cuddling without it going into sex and that needs to be communicated and incorporated. We need intimacy without and with sex in a relationship. It might be helpful for the two of you to consult with a psychologist that specifically works in the field of sexual concerns and couple counseling.

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