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Question
Posted by: mimi | 2012/05/21

No moral support

Hi doc , I am currently busy with my diploma , this is my second year , I am married with two children, but try to keep balance with study , work , mom and wife. This year is very hard for me to cope and I have a lot of distractions that is personnally draining me and making it hard to study , my hb can not pay his bills everymonth and that puts a lot of financial pressure on me because I have to then try and " fill the gap"  where I can and I cant, he has for the last month started a little sideline business which he runs every saterday for extra money to pay his bills , so every saterday I have to do all the chores at home myself , dirve around for him when he needs more supplies to sell or runs out of change , I then also have to drive the children around to and from sports events AND then find the time to study , I am drained doc , yesterday he decided to go out for the day and took the kids with, I dont have a problem with this at all , but how the day ended is disaterous , he promised to be at home befored dark , I was alone at home and studied , at about 6pm I phoned to aks where they are , I could hear that he had a lot to drink , doc he only pitched up at home at 11pm , I was furious for the reason that he drove with the children whilts drunk and I told him that I think he is very selfish and self centered and I feel he is not supporting me , he never even bothered to phone me or sms me the entire day , he was just thinking of himself and satisfying his own desires, obviously that started a huge argument and with him being so drunk it led nowhere , he just got very aggresive and swore at me and shouted, slamming the doors then opening the doors and switching on the lights and swear some more and slams the doors again , I just kept quite and asked him very calmly to please not slam the doors and leave me as I have to sleep , this was almost 12pm , then next moment he storms in the bedroom and phones my father ?? ( I am 34 ) at that time of night , I begged him not to phone my father , he could not get a hold of him and then phoned my mother , at that time of of night doc , telling my mom that I am very unthankfull and that my mom needs to sort me out ?? , I then started to cry ....... I am just wondering am I wrong to ask for morral support , he said he does support me and when I asked him how , he said that he gives me time to study , is this support doc ? I still cook supper every night , I still give him what he needs (as a wife) once a week , I still pick up the kids from music lessons , and when I get home more than half of the time he is watching tv ?? What is support then ?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I don't get all the details here. Of course it should be your husband who does extra work to pay the family's bills ( not "his" bills ). And he should look for the best-paying part-time work he can find, however humble, rather than necessarily taking a chance on his own startup, as they're often no profitable unless he has rare and needed profitable skills.
To take the kids out with himm and then get drunk is highly irresponsible and endangered them, as he presumably was a drunk driver on the way home. That starts to border on abuse.
Your anger and frustration was understandable, except for one thing - however tempting, it is NEVER useful to argue with a drunk. Even if you miraculously won the argument, they wouldn't remember it the next day.
Of course you should be able to expect emotional and "moral" support and encouragement from him, but he doesn't really convincingly sound capable of giving it.
COuld you possible persuade him to join you in mariage counselling ? Maybe, as he insisted on dragging your parents into the argument, they could support you in this extremely reasonable request.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Phil | 2012/05/21

He sounds like an *sshole! I don''t like giving negative advice. But nobody deserves to be treated like that  and he needs to change or he WILL loose you.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/05/21

I don't get all the details here. Of course it should be your husband who does extra work to pay the family's bills ( not "his" bills ). And he should look for the best-paying part-time work he can find, however humble, rather than necessarily taking a chance on his own startup, as they're often no profitable unless he has rare and needed profitable skills.
To take the kids out with himm and then get drunk is highly irresponsible and endangered them, as he presumably was a drunk driver on the way home. That starts to border on abuse.
Your anger and frustration was understandable, except for one thing - however tempting, it is NEVER useful to argue with a drunk. Even if you miraculously won the argument, they wouldn't remember it the next day.
Of course you should be able to expect emotional and "moral" support and encouragement from him, but he doesn't really convincingly sound capable of giving it.
COuld you possible persuade him to join you in mariage counselling ? Maybe, as he insisted on dragging your parents into the argument, they could support you in this extremely reasonable request.

Reply to cybershrink

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