Posted by: Layla | 2009-03-31

No Love


How do I avoid my mothers nasty remarks? and is it possible to reverse the effects this has had on two young children?Don' t get me wrong she is a nice person I guess she means well, as hard as that is to believe.
When I was young she always told me im stupid, now she tells them this all the time.
Useless, brainless, dumb ... she calls my brother a retard... he is 11yrs.
This has always been my mother, over the years I have come to realize that this is so wrong and always wonder why she could never be the way other mother are towards their kids.

Perhaps because she never really had a mother, her father walked out on them and got re-married, mother became a drunk who worked during the day and partied at night, brought different men home
some of whom tried to sexually molest her and her sisters.They had to look after themselves and went begging for food as their mother was never home and never even bothered to provide them with food.All this from the age of 6, she got married to my father at a young age.
Today her mother still parties but since iv heard what it was like growing up for them I have not gone to visit my gran.who says they making up stories and she always provided for them.
Her father is dying of cancer and she hasn' t visited him once, I do not blame her though.

Does all of this not make you want to be a better mother?
I in turn never realizing that I should be showing them the love that she dsnt acted the same as she did until a year ago I realized that I was becoming like her!
I always promise myself that I will not be like her.
My mom has never told me that she loved me, never a kiss a hug nothing.
When I was young I used to force my hugs and kisses onto her but as I grew older I stopped.
She has never kissed or hugged my brothers or sister or congratulated them on doing good or for good achievements.

I guess it wasn' t that bad as we get it from our father.
It really made me feel like I was this ugly monster or something.
Someone not worthy of being loved and im afraid its doing the same to them.
I hug them and kiss them and and hold them and I feel so sorry because I can see that my baby brother really loves this.
Now its like he thinks he is too old for this and pretends to be grossed out by my kisses but then sometimes he would grab me unexpectedly and just hug me so tight and then let go and run away like he wants to forget that he just gave me a big hug.

The thing is im not home that often and when I am I have to hear about the things my mom has told them.
Is really upsets me as they are such beautiful and lovely kids and I can' t imagine being like this to any child.This really affects them and there' s no point speaking to my mom about it.
Just this past wknd my was telling us about something she done and my mom there and then looked at the negative part and said but if only you could do this...
My smile just went completely and she kept quiet and never continued, then after a few mins she said.' You know mommy you never appreciate anything we do and nothing is ever good enough" 
To which my mom replied, ' Well maybe you should try to do something good for a change' ....
I was like OMW! but bit my tongue and just carried on.

How do I start to rebuild their confidence?
Sorry for long post

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Our expert says:
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If your mother is so foolish as to continue making such harmful and stupid remarks, she deserves to be avoided, by those lucky enough to be able to avoid her, and told that she will continue to be avoided until she works with a therapist to break this rotten habit. Nice people never call other people a retard. This is frankly abusive.
Maybe she never in her own life had the experience of good mothering, but good grief, even reading magazines or watching television will have shown her how good mothers behave. When you camly but firmly tell her how hurtful and unhelpful this is --- what does she say ?
You are right to decide not to be like her. Maybe you can help your younger sibs by talking with them, explaining that your mother bever larned how to be a loving mother, and that, hard though it is, they must not take her cruel comments seriously, as these are highly inaccurate, and that you and others recognize how wonderful they actually are. And maybe don't bite your tongue so often, but calmly tell her her comments are damaging, cruel, and unhelpful, and that not everyone considers her opinion about what is good, to be valuid or useful. what do other readers think ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: nene | 2009-03-31

Your story is so much like mine. My mother raised me comparing to our neighbours kids, to say so and so is doing this why cant you. I grew up fearing her,as you were not suppose to show emotions, get sick cos what ever comes out of her mouth its very distructive.

I on ther hand I decided to openly live my life despite how crude and creul she can be when opening her mounth. I raised my brother on my own and today, she says my son is my own problem. I chose not to be like her. Embrace my son for a well done job,kiss him,give him an affectionate hug and kisses whenever I feel like. I am also refraining from calling my son stupid or pointing out to other children. So ya do the same to your kids. I also show my brother affections whever I get the chance and behave in such a way its puts my mother to shame,seeing me acting this way.And I talk to my son,he' s two but I ask him how was his day at day care, and waht did they eat, in that way I am creating a relationship, in which my mother thinks its non-exixtant cos she believe I have to be with my kid 24 hours,me not having life at all.

In fact my mom,she a travel agent for her guilt trips, therefore she would want me to live they way she was suppose to live in my age.Live your life the way you always wanted for you and for kids.

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