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Question
Posted by: Desperate wife | 2008/07/23

No longer interested in intimacy

Im sorry if Im on the wrong forum, but I would really like CS' s opinion. I have been married three years and Ive lost interest in being intimate with my husband, it happened justafter our baby' s birth 18 months ago. I do think however that it' s not related to the birth or me being tired looking after baby etc, it started before this, when my husband used to restrict me if I can say so, sexually. I used to enjoy having sex but he told me many times that my sex drive is a problem, so I started shutting my sexual feelings off, because he made me feel like there was something wrong with me. And its not like I was a sex addict or something, I would want to make love on average 5 times a week, and on the odd occassion if we made love the morning, I' d feel like making love again the evening. He thought that was excessive and abnormal. How will I get my sex drive back, because its torture for me now to be intimate with him. i find myself wishing its over while its happening, and I only get intimate with him because I dont want to deprive him, otherwise I could do without having sex with him.
When I was single, married women told me what a chore sex is in marriage, I didnt believe them and said I would never be that way because I enjoy sex, but now Im just like those women. What can I do to enjoy sex again?

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Our expert says:
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There are various possible explanations for this sort opf problem, both psychological and physical. YOu might, for instance, have developed a PND Post-Natal Depression, which is quite common after birth, and may not have very noticeable Depression as such as its leading feature. But then, as you say, if your husband rejected or limited you natural and normal sexual interests, its also understandable that you may have come to curb them. Of course there was nothing abnormal or excessive in your sex drive ; but a man threatened by an energetically normal woman may have described it in those terms, to avoid facing his own relative lack of interest. Would it be possible to convince him to join you in mariage counselling, which would be the best way to find a solution ? What you need in order to start enjoying sex again, is a normally active and appreciative, affectionate husband ; so the issue becomes how does one best encopurage that to happen ?

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