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Question
Posted by: Fire | 2011/11/01

No commitment, no loyalty

I cannot be with someone 100%, is this wrong. With all the guys in the past that I have broken up with or they have broken up with me, they all seem to come back to me sooner or later. Most of the time I am with someone new when the ex does contact me, but I will always communicate with the ex (no sex) as I dont keep grudges. I just feel that until there is a ring on my finger, I am single and can see who I want. I have wasted so much time in the past on guys where I am loyal to them and ignore all other possibilities until 6 - 12 months down the line we break up. Why put all your eggs in one basket when you are only ''going out'' with someone. There is no committment, you are only boyfriend and girlfriend. When a guy pops the question, I will change my ways and become his, and only his, but until then I can see who I like. I know I am going to get shot down for posting my opinion, but if guys can play the field, so can girls.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

What do you mean by "BEING with someone 100%" ? Being constantly physically with them all day, 24/7 ? Or being sincerely involved emotionally with them and not with other people at the same time ? What you describe sounds like a harem, with a regiment of ex's remaining in contact with you. That suggests you are under-committed to any current relationship, and that none of them have thus far managed to find a satisfying relationship, either.
If I kept in communication with everyone I have ever met but don't hold current grudges against, I'd have no time for anything else. And you're also risking essentially spending life moving vaguely ahead ( or maybe sideways ) while looking backwards.
You may plan to change "when there is a ring on your finger", but this method of proceeding significantly reduces your risk of ending up with a ring on your finger. Someone with a finger in too many pies, ends up with a ring on none of them.
As Maria implies, as you commit to nobody, its highly unlikely anyone would think of committing to you.
And do you really think, as a woman, that copying laddish men is the best way to select your behaviour ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2011/11/01

Fire then you haven''t found the right man yet. Or perhaps you subconsciously project an image that says " I''m not ready to commit" . Getting to the point where you decide to get married requires a process of getting to know and trust each other more and more. This can only happen in a monogamous relationship. So while it is ok to " play the field"  if you only have casual relationships - assuming your partner is doing the same and you have discussed it - you have to become exclusive if you want to explore a deeper relationship.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Romany | 2011/11/01

Why don''t you just " pop the question" ? To someone that is " playing the field" ?
Nowhere does it say that only a man can ask a woman to marry him.
Also, no respectable man will ask a woman out of the blue to marry him. Especially if it is a woman " playing the field" ?
And I do not think and respectable woman will say " Yes" to a man " playing the field"  either...
Just my opinion....

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/11/01

What do you mean by "BEING with someone 100%" ? Being constantly physically with them all day, 24/7 ? Or being sincerely involved emotionally with them and not with other people at the same time ? What you describe sounds like a harem, with a regiment of ex's remaining in contact with you. That suggests you are under-committed to any current relationship, and that none of them have thus far managed to find a satisfying relationship, either.
If I kept in communication with everyone I have ever met but don't hold current grudges against, I'd have no time for anything else. And you're also risking essentially spending life moving vaguely ahead ( or maybe sideways ) while looking backwards.
You may plan to change "when there is a ring on your finger", but this method of proceeding significantly reduces your risk of ending up with a ring on your finger. Someone with a finger in too many pies, ends up with a ring on none of them.
As Maria implies, as you commit to nobody, its highly unlikely anyone would think of committing to you.
And do you really think, as a woman, that copying laddish men is the best way to select your behaviour ?

Reply to cybershrink

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