Posted by: Stranger | 2008/11/06

No appetite for hubby

My husband and I are having sexual problems. He wants to have sex every day of the week. If we skip one night he treats me like crap the next day. We' ve been together 12 years and in the beginning everything was ok but I found out 2 years ago that he cheated on me and since then its been downhill. I am trying very hard to save our marriage but feel nothing when we' re in bed together. This is besides the fact that I have 2 kids aged 1 and 3 and am emotionally and physically drained. What is wrong with me? I also happen to think he is a sex maniac!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

You are not alone to be struggling to keep up with this level of sexual demand, and particularly given that you have young children (women often struggle to prioritise sex when they have been prioritising the children), and even more significantly that he cheated on you! If this matter has not been resolved/understood, it is perhaps not surprising that you are struggling sexually (that said - if you are even keeping up with his requests only half the time, you're doing about 300% more than many other women in a long term relationship. Here's what I have written before - some of it is relevant to your situation...

It is quite common that in the beginning of relationship women may have a greater interest in sex and possibly be less inhibited in sex than her 'default' position would be. This is due to chemicals in the brain which are released in the beginning of a relationship - amongst other things they result in slightly higher testosterone levels in women which may account for higher sex drive. Unfortunately due to a cruel trick of nature these changes are temporary and after a while (between 6months - 4 years) she returns to a more 'normal level'.

In addition to these changes (which are nobody's fault), there may be other changes (in your lives) that mean that her libido has taken even a bigger knock (i.e. the affair, demands of small children, his sulky behaviour if he gets no sex). It is important to make sure that you are both satisfied with the relationship - this includes asking her for feedback about how she feels/anything she'd like to improve, and likewise, you give her feedback and discuss what you would like to improve. Do this very gently! I am wondering why he feels the way he seems to if he doesn't have his sexual needs met - it could be useful to try to understand this (e.g. is this his only way to get your attention/time/interest, are you overfocused on the house/children? Or is this more of his own issue?)

When it comes to discussing the differences in sexual needs (which is VERY common) I always encourage both partners to be willing to understand what it is like for the other partner and then come to some middle ground / a negotiated compromise. In other words he needs to know that your libido is higher - and this is normal - as is it normal that his is higher. Therefore there is a necessary tension which needs to be addressed.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Stranger | 2008/11/07

Jack, there was nothing wrong with our sex at the time he had an affair so thats really a lame excuse. Secondly, I have been and is still independent. Dont judge when you dont know the whole story. We do have sex minimum 4 days out of the 7. My problem is trying to connect physically with my husband while having having visions of him being intimate with a girl half his age. Please, if you dont have anything constructive to contribute rather say nothing at all.

Reply to Stranger
Posted by: Lala | 2008/11/07

Jack just shut up , Stranger all you have is the anger that he cheated on you all you have to do is deal with the anger or find someone profesional to talk to , its really normal that you still nagry due to his childness of having an affair,

Wish you all the best

Reply to Lala
Posted by: PoPie | 2008/11/06

Hi Jack!

it' s not all woman that change after marriage, I do think is an individual thing,I know this for the fact b' coz a friend of mine is married not even a year and the man doesn' t want sex and i know she doesn' t cheat.

Reply to PoPie
Posted by: jack | 2008/11/06

YOU ARE LAZY. All women do this. once you are maried to them the sex fountin dried up. We men are lucky if we score 1 time a week. Ask any married men who is married for more tha 5 years. If a woman got what she wanted( kids/ wedding ring/your wallet) it is over. Then it starts. That is the reason your man has had an affair.

Reply to jack
Posted by: Sg | 2008/11/06

It sounds like he is rather childish in moping when he doesn' t get " it" .I doubt whether he is a sex maniac as alot of men want sex every day and are rather normal people.The trick though is for you and him to comprimise and decide between you how often you have sex.(without him then treating you like dirt).
Hopefully he helps around the house with the kids etc as well,because if you are doing everything then clearly you are tired when you go to bed and he is fresh and ready for sex.
Having cheated on you has its own issues as you need to forgive him and try and move on.

Reply to Sg

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