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Posted by: Apache_boy | 2008/05/27

Nikkits et al

Nikkits

My depression started about 3 months ago when the whole move to joburg started to get to me... my whole support system was blown away...

A few days ago, almost 2 weeks i wanted to take a headfirst dive out of a window onto the pavement 3 stories below...

In the meantime i went to a doctor who prescribed me a "natural" anti-depresion meds... and unfortunatly, haveing only taken them for a few days now, they still havent properly kicked in... and one of the warned the side effects is lack of libido...

In all of this i did not really get any support from my bf... not for my moving away 100km's... we only see each other once or twice every two weeks... which did put a lot of strain on our relationship...

and then a week ago i met up with an old varsity buddy and went out with him... just as friends... in two years time i have never cheated on my bf... and i never will... of that i am 100% certain... but because i met up with a friend... i was told that he doesnt trust me... and i have never given him a reason not to trust me... this hurt me even more than anything else...

i thought i got over that and this weekend when he wanted to get more physical i wasnt in the mood, and because of that, i felt pushed away. no longer welcome in his company.. and that on top of the trust issues all but killed what was left of our relationship... is that what i am here for? a blow job?

we are talking and trying to patch things up... but it will take a while... and i am not very strong emotionally at this stage... but i am trying and i am surviving... day by day...

I hope this helps to shed some light on what i meant with my previous post....

Hugs n love
Apache_boy

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi to you Apache_Boy.... I hope you saw my (very belated) response to an earlier post.

Significant changes such as you've experienced as very stressful and I can quite understand that you're feeling down and possibly also a bit anxious. I'm chuffed that you went to a doctor and as you quite rightly say it takes a while (up to three weeks) before you'll feel the benefits of anti-depressant meds. Remember also that anxiety and depression often cause a libido to hit a downward spiral.

I'm wondering whether your bf is somehow, on some level, angry that you've 'left' him. This is a time when you need to have friends supporting you and your bf's response to your seeing an old friend is disconcerting. And somewhat childish.

In the light of all that has transpired I am not in the least surprised that you weren't too sexually charged to be intimate with your bf - and he needs to assume some responsibility for that. There's more going on here than his own sexual or emotional needs. It sounds as though neither of you are really able to offer much support at the moment and all I can suggest is spending as much quality time together as your circumstances allow, and as much talking to each other as possible. You both sound a bit bruised and fragile right now so be gentle with each other. You may need to point out to him - if he isn't aware of it - how you're feeling and what you're going through and what he could possibly do to meet your needs. That could possibly help him have more empathy for you instead of merely feeling rejected because you didn't want to have sex.

Many gay guys have learnt to express emotion and much else through physical action, invariably through sex. Our transactions are often sexual. Your bf may not be used to talking - really talking - and his wanting to have sex with you may have been his way or manner of trying to reach out to you or to connect with you. Of trying to please you. If your needs lie on another level you need to somehow convey this to him.

Please keep posting.


The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Apache_boy | 2008/05/28

Nikkits,

Thank you as always for your honesty and openness... yes itdoes have a lot more to do with just moving away from my faimly, friends and boyfriend... it also has / had to do with myself accepting who i am! I am gay! Yay, and no one to tell - i still cant tell my parents... they will freak...

But all in all, i am improving, i just wish my boyfriend would understand that i need his love and support in my rash decision (yes it was a rash decision - my weakness) I regretted moving out, but i dont have a choice anymore and i must stick to my decisioins... Like i said, from my side i only wanted him to understand and to still love me and above all to trust me that i will never cheat on him...

But its getting better, day by day and i am relying a bit less on my meds and my libido is picking up again...

All in all, thank you guys for your support! I am getting better and that is partly thanx to you guys!!

All my love

Apache_boy

Reply to Apache_boy
Posted by: Nikkits | 2008/05/28

OK A_boy thanks for clearing that up.

Depression is a strange thing and before you commit to being depressed purely because of what has happened over the last 3 months, I want to suggest you take it much further and more seriously.

Depression does not suggest only being unhappy and feeling alone “without support”, it is far more then that.

You mention your whole support system was blown away, just what support system did you depend on?

The first and only support system you should depend on with dear life is YOU. Now with some form of depression manifesting itself in you, your first line of defense (self support) has fallen flat.

If I can try and explain it to you another way.

You have a car that you depend on to get you from A to B. The car is faulty but instead of taking it to a professional for a check over and proper repair, you keep using it. At first it battles to start, then it stalls at every stop and then it starts to splutter at every pull away, yet you keep going in the hope it will fix itself ….. Finally when you least want it, it stops for good.

Before you continue feeding your depression with actions and thoughts of “I am cheating on my b/f, he is cheating on me, trust and mistrust and all the ingredients that ADD to the negative vibe you have to repair your “vehicle”

I am not suggesting that once the depression is dealt with, then all your problems will disappear in fact it will not, but you will have a far more rational mind and self respect to deal with your other issues and that is what you need.

Nikkits

Reply to Nikkits
Posted by: Apache_boy | 2008/05/28

Hey Nikkits

Nope, i dont know bollie... sorry...

Hugs n love
Me

Reply to Apache_boy
Posted by: Nikkits | 2008/05/28

Apache_boy

OK, so am I to believe that your post and "Bollie" is all connected here or have I completely missed the boat now?

Lets get that part sorted out first please guys ....

Nikkits
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Reply to Nikkits

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