advertisement
Question
Posted by: Stepmom | 2011/08/05

new stepmom

Hi Prof S

Ive (29) been in a relationship for the last year with a really great man. He was previously divorced (2 years, married for 7) and has a (now) 3 year old son.

The little one lost his mom in a car accident last year. We moved in together to create a better future for him. And we are very happy for most days.

We sit down as much as possible to discuss issues like dissipline, tasks that needs to be done, who is responsible for what and just making dubble sure the other party is happy.

the only problem being that it feels like the little one is " testing"  me the last couple of days :) Not greeting me, ignoring me, and I get the overall feeling that he just doesnt want me around. My partner being VERY patient, just pushes it aside for being "  3yr old behaviour" . And me being me ( and maybe the way I was brought up), feels that he needs to be dissiplined just a bit to see that throwing a tantrum when I walk into the room is not necessary. (even when he falls and I try to console him) But I dont want him to hate me when he''s older.

It sometimes feels that I have to walk on egg shells just because he lost his mom. I''ve accepted him as my own and so has my family. But I dont want him growing up latched to his dad, hating me and feels that he was brought up any different than future siblings. What good advice can you give so that I feel a bit more loved by a 3 year old :)

Many Thanx

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Ech, little ones test parents, bioparents or de facto parents. And in an important sense, they're really testing themselves, and the boundaries of their own powers.
And sometimes a kid is paticularly wrapped up in himself, some days, rather than actually ignoring you ; sufficiently used to you to be able to take you for granted ; though this can feel like rejection, especially if one is in a situation in which you happen to expect rejection.
Notice that in your question you seek to "feel loved" by him, rather than to "BE loved" by him. So, accurately, its more of an issue of your feelings than his feelings.
I agree with Maria about avoiding over-indulging a child because you feel sorry for their plight, as over-indulgence may in reality be more of a damaging plight than a bereavement too young to fully recognize or utterly feel it.
I don't see why he would hate you at any time.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: stepmom | 2011/08/07

Thank you so much for the replies. Sometimes you just need an outside opinion or ear from someone who''s been there.

Have a great week.

Reply to stepmom
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/08/07

Ech, little ones test parents, bioparents or de facto parents. And in an important sense, they're really testing themselves, and the boundaries of their own powers.
And sometimes a kid is paticularly wrapped up in himself, some days, rather than actually ignoring you ; sufficiently used to you to be able to take you for granted ; though this can feel like rejection, especially if one is in a situation in which you happen to expect rejection.
Notice that in your question you seek to "feel loved" by him, rather than to "BE loved" by him. So, accurately, its more of an issue of your feelings than his feelings.
I agree with Maria about avoiding over-indulging a child because you feel sorry for their plight, as over-indulgence may in reality be more of a damaging plight than a bereavement too young to fully recognize or utterly feel it.
I don't see why he would hate you at any time.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Maria | 2011/08/06

My daughter''s bio mom died when she was two, and I met her and my husband 6 months later so I can relate to your story.

The boy will not remember his bio mom, you will be the mom he knows as he grows up. It sounds as if you and your partner are doing a great job of making sure that there is consistent parenting and discipline. One must be careful in a situation like this to not indulge the child because you feel sorry for him, because all that will achieve is a spoilt, obnoxious child. He needs lots of love and attention, together with firm boundaries which he will test. Finding that the boundaries are still there will make him feel safe and secure.

It is entirely normal for kids to go through phases where they want only mom and will not have anything to do with dad, and vice versa. Don''t take it too personally. It probably has very little to do with the mom that he lost.

Being in a relationship with someone who has a young child is a big responsibility. It places a lot of pressure on you to decide if this relationship is going to be forever, because if it isn''t you need to get out before the kid gets too attached to you. It''s not an easy thing, and I hope that you fill find the wisdom to deal the situation in the best possible way.

Reply to Maria

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement