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Question
Posted by: depro man | 2008/08/18

new relationship problem

im 27 male.i have been with this wonderful woman for a month now.we went out yesterday and it was great.i took her home and something i said or did just pissed her of.i dont know what.she just said bye and left.no hug or anything liek that liek she always does.so i texted her while i was driving.she told me i dont understand that she must study and that it is important.YES OFCAUSE it is important.I always joke when we together i dont see much of her like i would like but obviosuly its true but i dont make a issue out of it.i only see her once a week because she needs to study.we had a deal in the beginning of our relationship that her studies comes first.and i said i would respect that.WHICH i do.but now i am getting the cold shoulder.And she is not telling me why?now what must i do now.She is really a very nice girl and i dont want to lose her over s stupid thing like that.Can soemone please give me some advice.How do i approach this and how would you approach a relationship where YOU are not 1st.

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Our expert says:
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Stuff like this happens, and its hard to believe you can have reached 27 without similar experiences. She may be prepared to be friendly, but not into anything intense, as apparently she very sensibly puts her studies first. As only around 20 % of all students graduatwe with their degree in the proper time, that's admirable of her.
You DON'T know each other well, this is very early in any relationship. COol it down a bit and be patient.
And read and think about Lolo's comments

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Lolo | 2008/08/19

Try this maybe it will work for your relationship.

Invest

The constant demands of family, friends and work often make us put our relationship last. Successful couples set aside time to spend together. At one end of the scale, they reserve one evening a week. At the other, there is 15 minutes an evening to chat about the events of the day.
Through small talk, they keep up to date with how their partner feels and important issues emerge naturally. This is much better than one half announcing, ' We need to talk, which immediately puts the other person on the defensive.
Exercise: Add up the amount of time a day you spend really communicating. If it is less than 10 minutes, try to build some time into your routine.
In a nutshell:You only get out as much as you put in.

Respect each other

Respect is the greatest gift you can give your partner. All partnerships go through phases where love is questioned, but if you continue to respect each other, your relationship will remain unscathed.
In good relationships we link up with someone with similar intelligence, talent and looks. So, in respecting our partner, we are also respecting ourselves. The most common fault line occurs when one partner believes they are more in touch with their feelings than the other party. They find it is easier to blame their partner when things go wrong, than to analyse their own behaviour.
Exercise: Make a list of everything you respect about your partner. Keep it somewhere safe and at crisis points use it to remember their good qualities. If respect is still a problem, seek marital counselling.
In a nutshell: Look for the similarities between you rather than the differences.

Be vulnerable

We all like to think of ourselves as open and honest. But the real test comes when we feel hurt, because the natural temptation is to hide our vulnerability behind a protective facade of anger. However, successful couples swallow their fear of rejection and show their pain –  this is the ultimate example of good communication.
Exercise: Next time you feel angry or hurt, don' t fight back but share your feelings by saying, for example, ' You really upset me when you said … ' .Be specific and attribute pain to the behaviour of your partner, not to their personality. This has the added benefit of diffusing a row.
In a nutshell: You can be intimate only if you can show your vulnerability.

Seek to understand before being understood
During a row, it' s tempting to use the time your partner is speaking to rehearse your side of the argument. We believe that if only they understood how we felt, they would change. However, successful couples instinctively understand the crucial three steps to solving a problem.
First, you need to explore, and then understand before finally moving to action. By expecting your partner to understand you without seeking to understand their viewpoint too, you are jumping immediately to the action/solution step. When you truly understand each other, the groundwork is laid for compromise.

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: Lolo | 2008/08/19

The truth is there is no perfect receip for perfect relationship, we learn as we go on, try to learn what she likes and don' t like, and be open to her aswell tell her what you also like, that way you will know if you are trying to work towards the same goal or not.

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: depro woman | 2008/08/19

you are smothering her.give her space.you hardly know her and you are already pushing for more attention like a little boy.you will loose her this way.

Reply to depro woman
Posted by: Ya | 2008/08/18

You say you always joke around, maybe you should stop joking around so much and act like an adult for a change. Women that are serious like that need a man that is mature when he needs to be and respects her wishes. Think about what you said when she was pissed off...

Reply to Ya

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