advertisement
Question
Posted by: Kim | 2011/10/25

Need to make a decision

I have been going out with my bfriend for four and a half years. I meet him while he was going through his divorce so the timing was not the best. The problem I have is that when it comes to his children I am put aside and he just cannot see it. Friends of ours have now organised a holiday and I thought I was included only to find out this weekend that I am not invitied - he is just taking his children. To me either I fit in or not. His reasoning is he doesnt live with his children and needs time to bond with them and this will be a good opportunity. My reasoning is fine go away if you must just with your children and bond one on one with them - to me its a slap in my face that you organise a holiday without me with our friends and expect me to feel happy about it. Our friends assume I am coming

From the start of our realationship I have had to fight to be included. He would turn off his phone, ignore my calls and expect me to accept it. Whatever made them happy, I had to take it. His guilt seems to rule everything and all his decisions. Well I told him this trip is just too much for me and he says I am now resorting to blackmail. Wow all I want is to be part if his family life and to be included. He just cannot see it. We also havent moved in together because he doesnt want to push them aside and feel that they cannot come and visit - you see my kids will take their rooms - which they sleep in about once a week. Am I been unreasonable?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its hard to see why your presence on the holiday wouild prevent him from bonding with his children. And the presence of the other friends would not do so ?
It sounds as though he is consistently using you, as a sort of friend with definite benefits, but only benefits for himself.
He is surely not serious about this as a genuine relationship, or he'd want to encourage his kids to bond with you and vice versa. The arrangement sounds merely convenient for him. Move on. This i not for you, it's all about him.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

7
Our users say:
Posted by: K | 2011/10/31

been in the same situation....thought he was just interested in being a devoted dad but he suddenly married someone else...who was allowed to be with the kids.

get out NOW!

Reply to K
Posted by: Cami | 2011/10/26

Relationships are difficult when children are involved. Why not ask him if you can go for counseling together? Perhaps this will help him get over his guilt about his children. If he''s stayed with you for 4 years he must surely feel something for you but is uncertain how to bring it all together without hurting his children - this I think is somewhat admirable as many dads and moms will push children aside for their own fun. Try to be understanding and try this first. The kids were there first and his priority after all. Perhaps he just needs some guidnace. If however he is not prepared to do this, I would advise you to opt out because you cannot carry on like this for ever either/

Reply to Cami
Posted by: Joe | 2011/10/26

Hi Kim, i agree here with the others you are only a benefit for his personal interest, move on and i know it sound easy for us to say move on, but get your life back and you will meet someday a person that will want you included in his life.

I wish you good luck with your decision.

Reply to Joe
Posted by: Liza | 2011/10/25

Kim, sorry to say, but obviously your boyfriend isn''t serious about the relationship at all. If he were serious, he would include you in his life when he''s with his children so that you can get to know them better as a potential stepmom. Since he isn''t serious, he doesn''t see any need for you to get to know his kids.

Do yourself a big favor and move on if you want a serious relationship. This guy is not getting serious anytime soon.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Ty | 2011/10/25

I don''t think you are been unreasonable, I would think he would of learnt lessons from his divorce on how to treat a woman, after 4 years you should be part of the family

Reply to Ty
Posted by: question | 2011/10/25

why are you still with him if he tret syou so badly?

Reply to question
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/25

Its hard to see why your presence on the holiday wouild prevent him from bonding with his children. And the presence of the other friends would not do so ?
It sounds as though he is consistently using you, as a sort of friend with definite benefits, but only benefits for himself.
He is surely not serious about this as a genuine relationship, or he'd want to encourage his kids to bond with you and vice versa. The arrangement sounds merely convenient for him. Move on. This i not for you, it's all about him.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement