Posted by: Cant Anymore | 2012-11-21

Need Support

Hi Doc,

I really need some guidance right now in my life, my husband and i have been married for 2 years, It has been a rocky road due to influence of outsiders and family members on his part.

I know i cant put all my problems down on here but lets just narrow it down, there is the exssesive drinking, the fact that he hides things from me that cause massive fights and arguements, there is the fact that he loves me wants our marriage but wants to party and have fun and a good time with his mates (all their wives let them go do whatever they want) i have tried to be like that and let him have his freedom and i convince myself all will be okay but then he gets home late drunk and -|- y, acts like i dont exist or that he loves me. I have told him if we can come to a happy compromise where he goes out but doesnt get home drunk or late then its not a problem things will be better but its to much to ask of him, my father passed recently and im emotionally shattered by this and the emotional abuse that my husbands family has put me through and what he has put me through is to much. I am very alone where i live as i left my job and family to be with him i am currently working but its work and home and thats it.

How do i be one of those wives that are okay with her husband never being at home or drunk all the time how do i be one of those wives that just dont care. He has now told me that he loves me but our marriage isnt working there are no problems in our marriage but the fact that he cant go out and do what he pleases is a problem.

Im torn as this is my second marriage and my first my husband used to physically beat me, now im in a situation where im scared to stay because i dont want to waste more of my life in hoping that he or i will change...

I love him very dearly and he is my world but we are hurting eachother, we have tried councelling but it got to expensive so had to stop and the few times we went the whole hour went around 2 specific things.

what do i do? do i leave and cut my losses or do i stay and ride it out.. I really also need a support group and have no idea where to find one.

How do i become this woman that he wants? Ill do anything to try and change.

Thank you

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Our expert says:
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Getting married doesn't mean that one gives up all of one's freedom, of course - but it does mean that we choose, if we are serious about marriage, to temper and select how we exercise that freedom, by taking seriously into account the freedom of one's partner, too.
There seems to be an emphasis among some people, NOT on forming a mature relationship within marriage, but on "getting married" for various trivial reasons - to satisfy parents and relatives, to feel as though maybe one is more mature, whatever - but with the assumption that one can basically carry on one's bachelor life style ( "parties and fun" ) unchanged, and irrespective of whether one has at least claimed to be taking on new responsibilities towards one's partner.
It doesn't sound as though this current husband feels there is any neet at all to change what he seems to see as a blameless and eternal way of life on his part.
Why should i be asumed that you must change to become "the woman he wants", and that he shouldn't change to become "the man that you want "? Why should you accept his childish devotion to parties and getting frunk and neglecting you, as OK ?
Don't sell yourself short ; hav for yourself the respect he can't be bothered to show. See a counsellor if necessary, to learn self-esteem and to work out what is genuinely best for you. He'll take care of himself, as usual.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Cant anymore | 2012-11-21

Thank you so so much for all the love shown here you guys are all amazing thank you

Reply to Cant anymore
Posted by: BeeBee | 2012-11-21

Don''t chance for an undeserving man! You have the right to be upset.

It is fine if it happens now and again, but not often - totally unacceptable.

He can''t have his bread buttered on both sides (married and bachelor lifestyle).

Please, never chance for anyone.

Reply to BeeBee
Posted by: NK | 2012-11-21

You seem like an amazing woman and you deserve better!! and he DOES NOT deserve you!! You will see your life will work out and you will be happy again!! Just remember you dont have to be with some one to be happy, life has other amazing pleasures and when youre ready love will find you!
Just be patient and keep it together.
Here for you friend!!

Reply to NK
Posted by: Kelly | 2012-11-21

I think that''s your problem! You trying to hard to be what he wants! What about you? Why do you hate yourself so much that you willing to sell yourself so short and even change who you are for a guy that doesn''t care? Do you really not care about yourself and your feelings that you would change it all for a man. A man that puts his friends above you...

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Cant anymore | 2012-11-21

Thank you to you all for posting, I just am at my witts end with all of this he acts all the time like he doesnt need me or want me. I really try so hard every time i try to be what he wants.

Reply to Cant anymore
Posted by: Curious | 2012-11-21

I''m curious as to what all your problems are seeing that you just narrowed it down to all HIS problems are...

A marriage is supposed to be about compromise and if he is not willing to compromise then don''t do your stuff. Like supper, make for yourself and not him. Breakfast, coffee, whatever. You are doing those things out of love and whatever, if he doesn''t compromise on one front, take away the good things you do for him- why SHOULD you do things to make his life easier if he is not keen to just do something for you?

Go out, even if it is just by yourself, to a coffee shop or something and just read a book. If he calls, ignore him. If he doesn''t have to answer to you, why should you to him, etc?

The only way to deal with people like that is to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Reply to Curious
Posted by: Maria | 2012-11-21

Why on earth would you want to become a wife who doesn''t care, and who finds a drunk and abusive husband acceptable? What a pity that you married this guy in the first place, you deserve so much better. Not all marriages and husbands are like this! If your husband won''t change his ways (and there doesn''t appear to be any reason why he would) then get out, and learn to be happy and confident on your own before you even think of further relationships. Good luck.

Reply to Maria

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