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Posted by: A tool to be used | 2008/07/27

Need some sane, sensible advice please

I was sexually molested from when I was a very young baby.My father could not remember just when he started. This went on for years until I was roughly 12 and had learnt enough about it at school to know how bad it was. I tried, when we were alone to tell my mother about it but she got very angry with me, told me I had always been her ' trial and tribulation'  and that she was disgusted with me for telling such evil stories,.
Even after she knew, my father would still trap me in the garage, the garden shed, anywhere where no one could hear what was going on. I packed my bags one night and hitchiked a lift to Durban where I spent two of the happiest hears of my life living with hippie type people who fed me, gave me a place to sleep, but not one of them ever laid a hand on me!
Two years later, with the help of investigators my mom found me and brought me back home. My father had now owned up to what he had done and swore that he would never ever do that again.
I had left school at the age of 13/14 so had no education and no where to go. I stayed home, cooked, washed, did the gardening and my whole life became one of extreme lonliness and hopelessness as I was hurting so badly and my life consisted of being a house keeper.
I am now 51 years old and every single day of my life I am in this deep, dark depressive pit. I have bought all the necessary over seas books on how to successfully commit suicide, I have all the necessary pills and how to use them, etc. etc.
But what stops me each time is that my life' s dream was to meet just one man who would have loved me for being a special, kind and caring person. I may not be Miss World Material but then neither was I hit with the ugly spoon either,
My heart breaks when I see couple in shopping malls or going for walks on the streets, laughing and obviously very devoted to one another and I so miss that.
My parents are now 87 and 86 respectively. They live in an adjoining apartment to me but still my life is made up of cooking, cleaning and everything else for them. As time goes by I am terrified that my father with his early onset alzheimers might still live another 10 years and my mother who has had numberous back surgeries and is not all that strong but very active and capable, I can see her living another ten years also.
They become extremely angry if I suggest that perhaps we can find a nice, caring and cosy old ago home for them so that I can finally start to do some of the things I have wanted to do for myself for as long as I can remember but they won' t hear it. They lived like paupers all their life, not even wanting to spoil me by allowing an ocassional movie as that was a waste of money. This sounds so awful I know, I don' t want them die, that is not what I am waiting for. I am just waiting for some freedom, some friends, some social life, some laughter and some life' s enjoyment. But I have no money of my own, no education so they know full well that I have to take care of them until such time as they both pass away so that I can inherit what they have put away all these years.
I feel so lost. So lonely. I spend my days and my week-ends in doors as they always want me to be close by.
Please can anyone advice me what YOU would do if you were in my position? I am really just starting to think lately that the only way out of this loneliness hell is to take myself out of this life and hopefully God will understand and forgive me and I will find peace and friends, friends and more friends....

Kayla

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Our expert says:
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Sadly, in regard to child abuse, some mothers are complicit, often through gross denial and simply refusing to believe what may otherwise be rather obvious. Its so sad that you have spent money on buying malicious and dangerous books about how to harm yourself, rather than on getting local counselling / therapy help to get things right and to enable you to enjoy the rest of your life. Suicide would give the wickedness of your father and mother final and permanent triumph, something which they certainly do not deserve. You should absolutely not be spending any of your time caring for such awful people, let alone sacrificing your own life and happiness for them.
After what they did to you, it must not be their choice whether you continue to be their servant, or whether they move to somewhere where they can get whatever care they choose to pay for, and at long last leave you free to lead your own life. But you will need therapy to make the change to independence and to learn to enjoy it.
See a counsellor --- indeed, as this is about decades of abuse, contact a group like POWA tor help in saving yourself and moving them to take care of themselves.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Just me | 2008/07/28

Just when one thinks you are going through a trying time, I am once again shown that my issues are minute in comparison to what many out there are going through. I felt such sadness when I read your story and my heart goes out to you for the pain you went through. Taking your own life is not the answer, because you will deprive yourself of still finding happiness. Join a church or a charitable organisation, and in doing that you might meet people and make friends, and at the same time find a way of healing. Surely your parents cant tell you not to go to church or do charity? Dont accept it if they try. Lastly if you do meet a man,dont allow yourself to settle for less because of what you went through, look for someone who has all the qualities your dad does NOT have, because if you were abused you tend to subconsciously look for someone like that as a lover. The lastthing you want is to besaddled with an abusive partner, so be very careful. Good luck to you, I pray you find happyness and inner peace

Reply to Just me
Posted by: sadi | 2008/07/27

Hi Kayla
I cant even imagine how you have suffered at the hands of two people who were suppose to love u unconditionally. You owe them nothing!! Burn all the books and flush the pills down the loo, that is one way of starting over. You have every right to have a life of your own, dont let them make you feel guilty, you have no reason to feel that. They are the ones who should feel ashamed of what they did to your life. U still have a chance to start your own life with friends, laughter and fun. Dont let them STEAL the rest of your life from you. I will pray for you and keep in touch with us on this forum. I wish i could do more!!

Reply to sadi
Posted by: Phil | 2008/07/27

Kayla, Your story is so sad, and I don' t really have any advice. But please don' t take your own life. Rather pray to GOD to change your life. I know I am not giving you what you really am asking for, but I really do think that GOD can make a diffirence for us all.
I will also say a prair for you. I am a sinfull person, but GOD also listenes to all of us.

Reply to Phil

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