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Question
Posted by: tess | 2010/11/16

Need serious advice

I have been involved in a ''no strings attached'' kind of relationship with a man for almost 12 years. Before anybody judges me , let me jus say that when i met him i was young and naive and this was the only way i could keep him in my life.
Over the years i fell more and more inlove with him and lost myself along the way.

Now i know i need to stop this and move on as he now has a serious girlfriend and has also been diagnosed with cancer this year.
The problem is how do i let go and how do i tell him that being with him is hurting now more than ever without making him feel abandoned now when he needs all the support he can get.

Its killing me to watch the person i love, love somebody else.
But i cant walk away!

Anybody with advice ???

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Did you remain young and naive for 12 years ? DId you remain convinced, all that time, that you needed to "keep him in your life" ? It does indeed sound as though you have seriously overlooked yourself, in the service of him and his ego. If he now "has a serious girlfriend ( which implies that you are NOT a serious gf, and that he doesn't care much about you ) it makes more than sense for you to move on to rediscovering and developing yourself, and looking towards a relationship of equals with someone who will properly appreciate you.
Why tie yourself to him out of inappropriate guilt ? He has another, closer, more valued girlfriend - how many does any one man need or deserve ? If you move on for your own needs, he is NOT "abandoned" as he is with her.
All that is stopping you from walking away are the strongs of your own excessive sense of duty towards someone who is apparently not at all faithful to you or concerned about you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Tess | 2010/11/16

Hi Maria

Thank u for that, Its goin to be the hardest thing ive ever had to do ever but i have to try.

I dont have much of a life, socially so i need to discover that again. Ive lost good friends due to this relationship , people couldn stand to watch me be so weak to another human being and hurt myself.

Its hard when your whole life revolves around somebody else-somebody who doesnt even care for me- my life was adjusted so that i am always available when he needs me.
I somehow felt, hoped and dreamed that if i stuck by him , he will come to realize my worth someday.

But nevertheless id like to beleive that i grow stronger and wiser everday and il overcome this somehow.

Thnx
Take care

Reply to Tess
Posted by: Maria | 2010/11/16

Tess, the decision is not enough. What you need is a plan of action. What are you going to do when the desire strikes to phone / email / see him? Have a plan like " I''m going to walk around the block / play with the cat / have a glass of water / jump on the trampoline etc. Something that breaks the behaviour pattern. Good luck!

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Tess | 2010/11/16

Thank you Lisa!

Really appreciate all the advise received here today!

I have made a decision but i have made this decision so many times before. I hope that this time il be able to stick to it for the sake of my own sanity.

Thanx again



Reply to Tess
Posted by: Lisa | 2010/11/16

Don''t torture yourself so! Is there no way you can just be friends with him - that way you can give him all the care and support he needs at this time. I would try to just be his friend for now as he obviously has no intention of leaving his girlfriend.

I wish you the best of luck in what ever you decide but just realize there are other men out there.

Reply to Lisa
Posted by: Tess | 2010/11/16

Hi lisa

He has been diagnosed with cancer, earlier this year!

No , its not just because of his illness that i feel i need to be with him , around him or in contact with him.
I felt this way even before he was diagnosed!

Reply to Tess
Posted by: Lisa | 2010/11/16

Who has been diagnosed with Cancer? Has he been diagnosed? Is this why you feel the need to be in contact with him?

I am pretty sure he is happy and safe or else he would not still be with his current girlfriend.

You really need to take a long hard look at what you are doing to yourself. This man is having his cake and eating it!

Reply to Lisa
Posted by: Tess | 2010/11/16

Thank you all for your valued advise!

I know that this man doesnt love me and i can accept that. I also know that the hope that some day he will feel something has to be crushed.

I have tried many times to move on and i should stop all contact. But problem is i have to have contact with him .
I have this incredible need to know if he is ok , i need to know if he is safe and happy.

gentle guy : vixen111 at hotmail co za

Reply to Tess
Posted by: Gentle guy | 2010/11/16

Send me your addy Tess..got advise for you..

Reply to Gentle guy
Posted by: Lin | 2010/11/16

You need to think hard about this. I''m sure you love him, but if he truly loved you he wouldn''t have a serious girlfriend. You need to see that he''s using you. And that it''s hurting you and keeping you from finding your serious boyfriend.
Cut all strings. It will be difficult! You will feel the need to cave in, but Stay strong!

Reply to Lin
Posted by: Anon | 2010/11/16

hey Tess, Im also in a no string relationship, the person I love, is also loving someone else. I have no advice for you, but I wish you luck in walking away.
Im not planning on walking away yet, I still enjoy his company, I knew what I let myself in for.

Good luck,

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Maria | 2010/11/16

He loves someone else and you are a being a doormat. Wish him well and let him go, you have a life to live and you''ve put it on hold long enough for a man who doesn''t love or appreciate you. Fill your life with new people and activities.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/16

Did you remain young and naive for 12 years ? DId you remain convinced, all that time, that you needed to "keep him in your life" ? It does indeed sound as though you have seriously overlooked yourself, in the service of him and his ego. If he now "has a serious girlfriend ( which implies that you are NOT a serious gf, and that he doesn't care much about you ) it makes more than sense for you to move on to rediscovering and developing yourself, and looking towards a relationship of equals with someone who will properly appreciate you.
Why tie yourself to him out of inappropriate guilt ? He has another, closer, more valued girlfriend - how many does any one man need or deserve ? If you move on for your own needs, he is NOT "abandoned" as he is with her.
All that is stopping you from walking away are the strongs of your own excessive sense of duty towards someone who is apparently not at all faithful to you or concerned about you.

Reply to cybershrink

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