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Question
Posted by: gigi | 2011/06/19

NEED HELP!!

i am in my late forties and have been married for 25 years. Found out my husband had contact with girlfriend from 30 years ago. Confronted him but obviously he denied any relationship as she stays far from us and they only had communication via sms and e-mail. Since then I can''t trust him and goes through his stuff when he is not around. He blames me for snooping and said I made my life hell for myself because I snooped. We fight over the smallest things. When I ask him if he still loves me, he always says " I''ll still decide" . If I talk about divorce or anything relating to our relationship, he will say " that''s what you have decided."  He doesn''t what to commit him to anything. He has been unemployed for 4 years and that also put a lot of stress on our marriage. Its the first time in our marriage something like this has happened. He also blames me that since the kids have been born, he felt casted out. I asked him why didn''t he told me that 17 years ago? Can somebody tell me how to handle this situation and my insecurity. I really what to save our marriage.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Once in a blue moon I have "contacted" or been contacted by, someone I knew at high school ( usually a great disappointment ) but that in itself is surely not something to have become so disturbed about. Was this really, even if by SMS etc., an affair ? Or a reminiscence or less ?
Maybe, having been unemployed for 4 years, he felt the need for an ego boost, contact ( in ways where she could not see how he may have changed for the worse in the meantime ) with someone who remembers him in what may have been his best days ? I really doubt that he would want to actually meet her, and have her see him as he is now, and learn about how he has spent the last 4 years
As you seem to want to save the marriage, why not arrange to see a marriage counsellor together, to better understand each other and see what can be achieved by working together ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: To Angela | 2011/06/20

Great post. 100% true.

Reply to To Angela
Posted by: angela | 2011/06/19

QUOTE: He said I made my life hell for myself because I snooped.

That''s what my bf tells me now when it''s obvious that he is lieing or defending himself, u can read my post here. Men have the great ability to put the guilt on the woman, sometimes they may turn the situation in a way that we may think we r really guilty....in fact, we just want to be loved. I''ve understood one thing: if someone is to betray u, he will do, no matter how many times u shout NO, or persuede YOU SHOULDEN''T, or ask PLEASE NO...they will still do however hard u snoop. The only wise thing u can do is to be true to urself and fair to others...if someone wants to jump into the mad, let them do it...they will probably regret later, maybe not..(hardly not), remember u r FINE, its NOT your fault...just be a little womenly cunning..don''t tell all u see...

Reply to angela
Posted by: Mr Advice | 2011/06/19

Hi Gigi. Its sad that this has surfaced after 25 years, that is a lifetime. I think your husband has reached the stage where he believes that he can re-live the time he had 30 years ago. It may have been that his lady friend at that stage was what he felt was is first love, for whatever reason. It was probably more infatuation and had more to do with the sex at that time. If he was to actually encounter her today, both would be disappointed ! Both the victims of old age !! The fact that he has been unemployed for 4 years does not say much for his sense of responsibility or backbone. Say what you like there is ALWAYS a job, maybe not what he would like, but there are jobs out there. Anyway that is also probably the reason why he is acting in this immature fashion. No excuse however.
What I would do is sit him down and have a heart to heart. Tell him to grow up and start acting like a grown man. Leave the old girlfriend, she is just a dream. If he is so unhappy you are probably better off without him. Give him the option and tell him to shape up or ship out. You do not need a millstone around your neck at this stage of your life.

Reply to Mr Advice
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/06/19

Once in a blue moon I have "contacted" or been contacted by, someone I knew at high school ( usually a great disappointment ) but that in itself is surely not something to have become so disturbed about. Was this really, even if by SMS etc., an affair ? Or a reminiscence or less ?
Maybe, having been unemployed for 4 years, he felt the need for an ego boost, contact ( in ways where she could not see how he may have changed for the worse in the meantime ) with someone who remembers him in what may have been his best days ? I really doubt that he would want to actually meet her, and have her see him as he is now, and learn about how he has spent the last 4 years
As you seem to want to save the marriage, why not arrange to see a marriage counsellor together, to better understand each other and see what can be achieved by working together ?

Reply to cybershrink

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