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Question
Posted by: helpless | 2011/10/20

need advise

Hi my parents in law just moved in with us my problem is I am experiencing is the boundaries the mother stay''s in the flatlet outside and the dad in our spare room I get on very well with them but where im finding it difficult is not having my privacy I dont even feel like it is my own home before when they use to visit regularly they use to leave to their home around 8 now they sit with me and my husband till we go to bed so u can imagine I have no alone time with the husband my question is would it be wrong to tell them we need our time alone (more from my side )as it is my husbands parents and my problem too is I don''t want to upset my husband with this issue he might not feel the same as me but it really is affecting me and my husband for our bonding time together personal space is very limited any advice as to handle this situation PLEASE(don''t work so I have them with me most of the day so that is why i feel i need my time)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I hope other readers, some of whom have surely shared similar situations, can make helpful comments. Its rarely easy to have even very much loved parents move back in with you, when both you - and they - have learned to enjoy and value your privacy and autonomy.
Presumably you have discused this situation with your husband ? Ideally, you could jointly discus this calml with them, and explain that much though you love them both, you also need private time together. They might have concerns that even if they'd rather go to bed earlier, they might offend you by walking out. Maybe they'd also enjoy some time either alone together, or alone separately ? Is there room in the mother's flatlet, for them to spend the evening together, rather than needing to sit with you, perhaps, to be together ?
Are there hobbies and social / charitable activities they could get involved in, so they have less time to just sit around your space ?
Excellent response from Maria, as usual !
From the sound of your second response, maybe they need to be encouraged to spend the day and evening together in her flatlet, with him sleeping on your side so she isn't plagued by his snoring ?
They could also explore some simply snoring remedies.For instance, most people snore when lying on their back, so sewing a tennis ball or something similar in the small of the back of their pyjama tops or night shirt, making it uncomfortable enopugh to encourage them to roll back onto their side, can often help a lot.
And remember there is nothing actually about you not being good enough, in the way the proud mother keeps praising her son - its part of the job description of a mom.

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Sue | 2011/10/21

Why not move into the flatlet and let the oldies live in the house? They will not after all live forever.

Reply to Sue
Posted by: helpless | 2011/10/21

Hi Maria I am happy to see that my feeling''s are not wrong that would be so ideal if they both stayed in the flatlet but the mother say''s she can''t sleep because he snores what would be ideal is they both at least go to the flatlet to play cards etc and give us some time alone I just need to find the best way to tell them this without upsetting any party concerned it is me that is suffering here the mother is in her element has her son grandkids with her why would she want to be alone in the flat with her husband right now the situation is on ice not sure if they will be staying with us permanently (Hope not)just feel I dont have my family for myself hope that is not selfish of me really is making me feel so upset.Another thing is being that it is his mom she continously praises him and what does that make me feel like (not good enough)just feel so stuck

Reply to helpless
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/21

I hope other readers, some of whom have surely shared similar situations, can make helpful comments. Its rarely easy to have even very much loved parents move back in with you, when both you - and they - have learned to enjoy and value your privacy and autonomy.
Presumably you have discused this situation with your husband ? Ideally, you could jointly discus this calml with them, and explain that much though you love them both, you also need private time together. They might have concerns that even if they'd rather go to bed earlier, they might offend you by walking out. Maybe they'd also enjoy some time either alone together, or alone separately ? Is there room in the mother's flatlet, for them to spend the evening together, rather than needing to sit with you, perhaps, to be together ?
Are there hobbies and social / charitable activities they could get involved in, so they have less time to just sit around your space ?
Excellent response from Maria, as usual !
From the sound of your second response, maybe they need to be encouraged to spend the day and evening together in her flatlet, with him sleeping on your side so she isn't plagued by his snoring ?
They could also explore some simply snoring remedies.For instance, most people snore when lying on their back, so sewing a tennis ball or something similar in the small of the back of their pyjama tops or night shirt, making it uncomfortable enopugh to encourage them to roll back onto their side, can often help a lot.
And remember there is nothing actually about you not being good enough, in the way the proud mother keeps praising her son - its part of the job description of a mom.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Maria | 2011/10/20

Why do they not both stay in the flatlet?

I can quite understand your need for some privacy since you are there with them 24/7. Is this going to be a permanent arrangement? Are there any other family members that they can go to from time to time?

I think it would be entirely reasonable for you to say to your husband that you miss spending time alone with him and that you are concerned that your marriage is suffering. You won''t know how he feels about it until you start this conversation. Maybe the in-laws can have supper with family / friends once a week, or go to bingo / Bible study / whatever interests them?

If you husband doesn''t want to talk to them about it, is there another family member or good friend who can perhaps suggest to them that they should try and give you some more privacy?

Reply to Maria

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