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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2010/01/28

Need Advice plse - info is killing me

Hi Doc.

I think I'  m over reacting to this, but I can'  t get it off my mind. It is seriously bugging me, and I don'  t know why.

My X cheated on me numerous times, and we got divorced. Already as it is I have issues with trust, but it really has got a lot better. Now there is another person in my life I don' t know if I can trust.

I have known my new husband for 5 years, married for 2.
My brother in law was over at our house on Friday evening as we had a couple of people over for a braai. My sister in law (my husband'  s sister) did not come along as she felt ill.
My brother in law had a bit much to drink, and as we all know him, it'  s usually around that time that the truth surfaces.
I asked him why there is always this "  vibe"  when him and my father in law (my husband'  s father) are around one another, why they don'  t see eye to eye, because they are both really nice people and it makes no sense.
He then informed me very privately that my father in law sexually abused my two sister in laws when they were little, and that he has NO respect for the pig (father-in-law).
He has never been a man to lie, and has been in the family for about 15 years already.
I'  m too afraid to mention it to my husband or ask him if he was aware of it (he has a daughter of 7 from a previous marraige who visits there regularly) because he'  s a very proud person
and I'  m scared of how he'  s going to react. What if it causes major ruptions in the family, my brother in law did tell me in privacy and I don'  t want to break that trust, but feel that my step daughter should also be protected, but don'  t know if my husband does know of maby would be better off not knowing.
I know and my husband has mentioned often that his dad is a very "  sexually charged"  person, and that he enjoys his porn, but is he capable of this?!
It'  s bothering me terribly! What do I do??

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

From a prior relationship with someone who was NOT trustworthy, you can indeed carry a burden of over-cautious suspiciousness of even the nicest of new companions.
But the problem you describe is about more than trust. It's about ( I think )m whether to tell your husband about the allegations that his father sexally abused his sisters. IS it possible that indeed he already knows about this, but for various reasons has not chosen to tell you yet ? Could you ask the BIL or SIL whether they know if your husband knows about this ? Mention to them your concerns about the stepdaughter.
If the BIL knows, presumably based on what the direct victims, the SILs told him, then his story is probably accurate, but may be a Family Secret.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Sad | 2010/01/29

It saddens me so much how many times this week on this forum we have read about fathers who have abused their daughters. What is the world coming to? Evil is all around us. Fathers are supposed to be so protective of their little girls but instead they do the most damaging harm any person can do to a girl. This hurts.

Reply to Sad
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/28

From a prior relationship with someone who was NOT trustworthy, you can indeed carry a burden of over-cautious suspiciousness of even the nicest of new companions.
But the problem you describe is about more than trust. It's about ( I think )m whether to tell your husband about the allegations that his father sexally abused his sisters. IS it possible that indeed he already knows about this, but for various reasons has not chosen to tell you yet ? Could you ask the BIL or SIL whether they know if your husband knows about this ? Mention to them your concerns about the stepdaughter.
If the BIL knows, presumably based on what the direct victims, the SILs told him, then his story is probably accurate, but may be a Family Secret.

Reply to cybershrink

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