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Question
Posted by: confused | 2010/04/19

need advice please

Good day, I need some advice of what you think about this,

I have been in a relationship for just over six yrs, My partner has been my first and only sexual partner and we share a child as well and this will obviously mean that I do love him very much, I am just not sure if I like Him anymore or if I should go on in this relationship, it is very difucult to just pack up and leave and I really want to make it work and that makes it even more difficult. This is what makes me confused and angry:

I feel like something is wrong with this relationship but dont know what exactly it is or how to describe it, it feels like he is in control of my life and does not value and respect my thoughts and feelings. It does not help to talk to him about the way I feel and be totaly honest about it because he is never wrong and will find ways to throu it back on me and will have milions of things to say back to me, instead of just listening and understaning my concernse abkout it and then come to a way of doing it better that will make both of us happy. I feel like I cant do anything right in his eyes, i always feel like i am the wrong one, ther is never a thank you for food i cooked or for cleaning the house or for washing and ironing, I just feel like a thing taht is there to do all houdehpld chores and to please, i feel like an object with no feelings. when it comes to intamacy I feel like a blow up doll, he does it the way he likes and finds all the pleasure in it when he is finnished he will get up and it is all over and done with while i haven''t even started to enjoy it yet and i have to go to sleep unsattisfied, the last time this happened I told him that he is satisfied everytime and i am not and that i also need to be sexually satisfied and that he is being unfair as he is only thinking about he''s own sexual needs and does not consider mine, he get mad and just turned around and said nothing, the next morning after i did say this to him, exactly the same thing happend, but eventhough i was mad i did not say anything or show that i was mad cause i did not want to have a fight after his reaction the night before, but for some rason he did not talk to me the hole day long, the only things he said to me that day was" what are we going to eat"  and i need to get dressed as he wanted to go out. Later i really got mad at his behavior towards me and he saw that, then al of a sudden he started talking to me wanting to know what is wrong ect. as if he all of a sudden care, he knew not talking to me will get me mad but as soon as i am mad then all of a sudden he does not know what is wrong.

I feel afraid to talk to him about somethings like this sexual thing has been going on for years and i always wanted to say that to him but never could just to avoid a fight and eventually now i did say that and i was right about his reactions, I went shopping in last week and he does not know cos he will not like it, i avoid telling him as i know what his reaction will be like, i am very forgetfull, confused and unable to consentrate and i think it is due to this, i lost all intres in my hobbys, i use to scrapbook and paint ect. I cant remember when last i did that, i feel so anxious and depressed, when i was diagnosed with anxiety and depression about two yrs ago, he told me it is all in my head, when i have headaches or stomach aches he tells me it is all in my head and i am making myself sick.

I dont just want to pack up and leave as i do love him and want to make it work, but he is working against me, i cant just leave as i dont iknow if i will be able to make it on my own.

Please help me, what is happening in this relationship, does he mean to make me feel this way or is he doing it without knowing he is doing it?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

So, understandably, you find him selfish and self-centred. Of course anxiety is "all in your head " - where else ought it to be ? In your ankles ? That's as stupid as someone saying that Appendicitis is all in your appendix. So ?
But ONE member of a couple can't "make it work" all on his or her own - it takes two. Either he needs to join you, working with a marriage counsellor to make your joint eforts more likely to be sucessful, or face the fact that this is really unlikely to improve, and you might need to consider moving on from him, as someone not prepared to try to meet your needs.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Jean | 2010/04/20

Thanks Cybershrink. I like your sense of humour. Got me laughing here at the office. " confused"  he is clearly taking advantage of your good soul. You sound like you are in a marriage already? wow I know how tough it is. Overcome your fear by talking to him once more and if things dont get better maybe you must fly my girl. Believe in the beginning it would be different. Not tough, just different, trust me with or without him you WILL survive!

Reply to Jean
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/04/19

So, understandably, you find him selfish and self-centred. Of course anxiety is "all in your head " - where else ought it to be ? In your ankles ? That's as stupid as someone saying that Appendicitis is all in your appendix. So ?
But ONE member of a couple can't "make it work" all on his or her own - it takes two. Either he needs to join you, working with a marriage counsellor to make your joint eforts more likely to be sucessful, or face the fact that this is really unlikely to improve, and you might need to consider moving on from him, as someone not prepared to try to meet your needs.

Reply to cybershrink

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