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Posted by: Confused | 2009-02-05

NEED ADVICE PLEASE

Thank you for all your advice.
Doctor, we did see someone in 2004 because i wanted to leave him as he had a very bad temper, i know he would never hit me. We were not married yet but we did have our first son. His mom and him wanted me to see someone, she did not understand how he could take out all his frustrations on me. She didn'  t understand how he could have slept downstairs for 4 months while i was on maternity leave, fair enough he had to work but he didn'  t work on weekends. I mentioned everything the doctor and his problem with me was that i smoke and my problem with him was that he treated me like a dog, swore at me, called me ugly names etc. He promised to change which once again only lasted about 2 weeks. I have tried my utmost to make him happy and i still get treated like this. It all boiled down to that i had the baby blues and had to see someone else who wanted to put me in hospital but like i said to her how can it be the baby blues when i am a happy person generally, the only time i am depressed is when he does stuff to me to hurt me. He is the only one that makes me cry. So she gave me some tablets to take which didn' t help and made me cry all day long, i think they were anti depressants. I called her to let her know and she said i must stop taking them and thats where it left off. I felt i didn' t need any help. WE NEEDED HELP. He doesn' t see that, he tells me i have issues and that i am a f*(% up. The words he has called me before have hurted me so much.
When ever something happens he always be littles me and makes it seem like it'  s all my fault.

I am sure i have my faults too. Is there anyway other to save my marriage besides divorce. How do i get him to be a human being and not to be nasty because he can say the meanest things?
The best thing is coucelling for both of us? My one fault is that when we do have a fight i want to talk it out and get things out in the open and he doesn' t like that, he wants to be left alone. How do i leave him alone when i feel so sad?

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Our expert says:
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Promises to change are usually worth very little --- as I often say, don't just listen to what he says --- listen to what he DOES. If you saw a proper psychiatrist or at least a gopd GP, and they wanted to admit you to hospital, it swould have been wise to follow their advice, and use the opportunity to discuss the problems in more detail and to start treatment. Yes, antidepressants, while useful in treating properly diagnosed depression, don't help when your situation in life is making you miserable.
Anyhow, while of course you're right that you both need help, separately and together, if he is unwilling, at least start by getting proper help for yourself. And from a psychiatrist / p;sychologist, not a GP< as you need someone with more training and skill.
As to how to handle the arguments, etc. although what you try to do makes sense, it clearly does not work, and may be exacerbating the situation. Often it can be more useful to discuss such events afterwards when both of you are calmer, than to try to have a complex discussion when everyone is high;y upset.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Confused | 2009-02-06

Thank you for your advice.
At the moment i am having to sleep on the couch because he doesn' t want to see me, speak to me or be near me. If i try talk to him even about the children he just ignores me. If i had to consider counselling he will ignore me or tell me there is nothing wrong with him.
He doesn' t care about my feelings at all. I sent him a message last night telling him that i can clearly see that he does not love me and he replied by saying he can see that from me too because of the way i treat him??? And i said to him that is strange because i want to be around him when he can' t even stand to be in the same room as me. I also told him that i can see the hate he has for me in his eyes.

How do i deal with his ignoring me, it' s tearing me up inside and he doesn' t even care. I am trying to be hard and show that it' s not getting to me but it does and i have to show that nothing is wrong in front of the kids???

Reply to Confused
Posted by: Nicky | 2009-02-06

I really feel for you Confused.
I think you can still go for counselling. However, counselling does not change anyone. The change should start within a person. If he does not want to change, he won'  t. But if he sees what he has been doing to you (which is abuse) and wants to change, then counselling could work.
His behaviour will have a bad impact on your children'  s teenage and adult stage. I don'  t know how you have managed to live with him for so long with such a behaviour.
Try all that you can before considering divorce (including prayer - I believe God is capable of changing a human being). But at the same time don'  t tolerate abuse.

Reply to Nicky

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