Posted by: Confused | 2009-02-05

Need advice please

Hi All

I need some help here please.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 4 years. We have 2 gorgeous children. We have always had problems in the past because he has done something wrong, eg taken his ex fiance away (with friends) while i was 8 almost 9 months pregnant with our first child, spoken sexually (really bad!) to another woman for 9-10 months behind my back (i just so happen to find it on his computer) I went away on holiday with the kids for a week, while away he had sent her 28 sms' s in one night and he couldn' t even pick up the phone to call his family, found nude pics of her on the computer (i was always told that nothing happened, given him the benefit of the doubt and believed him, i was always expected to just get over it. If i did find something else he would kick me and the children out as if it was my fault because i found it. He always told me that he wanted his privacy and private life, he has finally gotten over that part and i have forgotten the past. He has always been very bad tempered, no matter what makes him cross he will take it out on me. I wanted to go away to see my family last year July which i do once a year, just myself and the kids. He did not want me to go and then evetually told me that I must leave and then changed his mind again.
He took my car away to be sold so i had no transport and evetually realised it was wrong because i had to fetch our children. He then brought it back and the next day said it was fine for us to go away so i made the plans. Next thing he comes with a " free"  trip to Mauritius saying it was to save our marriage. I told him that i had made plans already and he kicked me out there and then, I had to pack our bags and leave. He went off to Mauritius by himself, we never really spoke while we were apart. His mom called to say if i don' t go to Mauritius then our marriage was over. I thought that i couldn' t go because of the way he had treated me.
He called on the last day he was there and asked what would make me happy because i wanted out and i said to move to where my family stayed. We moved and we were much happier but he still has this terrible temper and he always screams and shouts in front of the kids. Last time it happend they were crying so badly.
When he got back from Mauritius he promised he would treat me better, it lasted 2 weeks. If he fights with me he ignores me for 2-3 days and then just pretends nothing happened and i must just forget and move on.
Last night i was doing my childs homework - in grade 1 and i called him to show him how well our child is reading. The school told us not to teach them a different way of learning to read because they get confused. Husband asked our child to read something that had not been learnt yet and my child looked at me for help, so husband was teaching our child to spell the word out, in Grade 1 they are tought paired reading and to learn how the word is show not spelt, all i said was that is not how our child is taught in school. Well i was screamed and shouted at. I went to show him a article on the learning our childs book and he threw it at me.
I use to work with him which gave me a lot more time to spend with our children, he has his own company. Now that we have moved i have to work full day and i get no help from him. Yes he takes them to school every second day and takes the Grade 1 child to after care. That is all. He goes to lunch with buddies and if i have something to say it' s my fault because i have to work. He complains there is no money and that is why i have to work but he can go have lunch with his buddies.He ignores me if i have something to say. He spends about 8 hours at lunch, the only reason why i have something to say is because the kids ask where he is.
He has promised twice that he will go to someone for help but doesn' t. He does not know how to treat me nicely so i see it as why should i be nice to him??
I am always with the children so i don' t get any time to myself, now i have started a Wednesday gym class with the girls. He didn' t help with the children at all besides fetching them.
He moaned as well because he says he gets no say over the children which is not true. He wants to be able to teach them things his own way. Why pay a school then???
How do i deal with someone like this??? I think i have mentioned everything.

Thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Ooosh ! Marriage counselling should have been a major activirty years ago. Since then, he has been abusive and uncaring, and you hacve been encouraging him to do that, by basically accepting every bad thing he has done. See a personal counsellor to work out what would be best for you and the children. And that might not be remaining with him and accepting all his bad, impetuous and selfish behaviour

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Nicky | 2009-02-06

I really feel for you Confused.
I think you can still go for counselling. However, counselling does not change anyone. The change should start within a person. If he does not want to change, he won' t. But if he sees what he has been doing to you (which is abuse) and wants to change, then counselling could work.
His behaviour will have a bad impact on your children' s teenage and adult stage. I don' t know how you have managed to live with him for so long with such a behaviour.
Try all that you can before considering divorce (including prayer - I believe God is capable of changing a human being). But at the same time don' t tolerate abuse.

Reply to Nicky
Posted by: Um | 2009-02-05

Maybe individual counselling? You get treatment for the way he is abusing you and he is treated for his temper and impulsive hurtful behaviour (it does sound like he has a lot of personal issues). Then after some progress, you can try marriage/relationship counselling again. OR maybe if you get the necessary treatment (individually) you will realise that it' s a hopeless case and will be ready to give up on the marriage. Either way I think it' s worth a try? But you must make it clear to him that that is the condition on which you' ll try to save the marriage - if he' ll agree to the individual counselling and really puts in the effort.

Just be sure to make sure your kids are okay, they are most important.

Reply to Um
Posted by: Confused | 2009-02-05

I am sure i have my faults too. Is there anyway other to save my marriage besides divorce. How do i get him to be a human being and not to be nasty because he can say the meanest things?
The best thing is coucelling for both of us?

Reply to Confused
Posted by: Confused | 2009-02-05

Thank you for all your advice.
Doctor, we did see someone in 2004 because i wanted to leave him. We were not married yet but we did have our first son. His mom and him wanted me to see someone, she did not understand how he could take out all his frustrations on me. She didn' t understand how he could have slept downstairs for 4 months while i was on maternity leave, fair enough he had to work but he didn' t work on weekends.
When ever something happens he always be littles me and makes it seem like it' s all my fault.

Reply to Confused
Posted by: Um | 2009-02-05

Okay, maybe I should add - he' s abusive not only towards you, but the children as well. It' s better if you take the kids and raise them in an invironment that is emotionally stable. Emotional abuse and instability can cause irreparable emotional imbalances later in a childs life.

Marriage counselling can do wonders, but not miracles. He' ll only make the same empty promises he did in the past, only difference is that there will be a witness.

Good luck

Reply to Um
Posted by: Um | 2009-02-05

How do you deal with someone like this? DIVORCE

Reply to Um

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