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Posted by: Helpless | 2013/01/07

Q. Need Advice

Hi
I am so torn at the moment. Desperate and yearning. My dilemma, I have two children and I want another. Greedy, yes. Selfish, yes. Unreasonable, yes. I have told myself them all. I have desperately tried to convince myself that I don''t want another. And yet, I still pray, wish, dream and beg fate for just one more. Everyday this wish is on my mind. I am consumed with the longing.
I want the big happy family around the table. I want lots of grandchildren. I want a big home filled with a rowdy family. I also want a daughter. I have two sons. I want to be pregnant again, I want to experience birth again. I can picture myself with three.
How do you take away a yearn for something you can''t have. Please tell me there is something I can take or do to rid myself of this want.
I know I sound ridiculously selfish. I don''t want to want something my husband does not. I hate that I have to feel like this 24/7 but it will not go away.
Please, how do you get rid of the aching yearn?

Expert's Reply

A.

CyberShrink

WHY do you feel so desperate to have another child ? What is it you expect ( probably unrealistically ) a third child will bring you, which the first two did not ?
After a third, why not a fourth, a fifth ? No magic number will automatically provide a large or happy family, or even lots of grandchildren.
Then you say you want a daughter. You might have 5 more sons, and no daughter.
You want to be pregnant and give birth. I'm sure you'd be scrupulous in looking after the children well, but I've found it unfortunately common to encounter women who love being pregnant and even having an infant, but then as the child starts to grow even slightly independent, they lose interest and want to replace it with another baby.
You have a dream of a perfect family that will probably not be met by any conceivable, actual family. It'd be far better to invest in CBT style counselling to sort out what is realistic and achievable and what is not, within your surging yearnings. The risk is that you might otherwise never be satisfied and enjoy the lovely family you already have, always yearning for whatever you don't have.
A secret to happines is appreciating and enjoying what you have, not trying to force the universe to give you whatever you don't have. YOu seem to be pursuing quantity with the false assumption that it will improve wlaity - the opposite is likely.

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user comments

Posted by: ME | 2013/01/08

Honey, I wish I knew. You are lucky to have two children - I desperately want 2 but would be so grateful to have just one! Been battling 5 years with no explanation. It seems like everyone else around me gets pregnant no problem... so I can understand the yearning, but be grateful for what you have - there are many out there who would also be great moms but struggle to conceive and would give anything to have just one child.
My husband''s former boss had 4 daughters and eventually the 5th was a son! Kids are expensive so I would be very careful about adding to the family - also if your hubby doesnt want any more. Maybe speak to a therapist to find out what this need is and why it is so intense? It could be that it stems from something deeper.

Reply to ME

Posted by: XXX | 2013/01/08

You are very fortunate to already have 2 children,do you really want another one considering the expense side of the equation.
I think your family is big enough to have lots of fun around the table etc.
I would rather spend more quality time with your children and husband.

Reply to XXX

Posted by: Anon | 2013/01/08

I guess it''s a matter of perspective, I have one sibling and our house always felt ''full'' or ''busy'' while growing up with just the four of us.
What do you think you will gain from an additional child that the two you already have can''t give you now?
You could end up having another son, what will you do then? Keep trying until you have daughter?
You could have 3 children or you could have 10, none of them might decide to have families of their own one day, it''s not something you can plan or decide. My grandparents had 3 children, my mom and two sons each of which had two kids of their own. Me and my sister are the only grandchildren she has any contact with, our four cousins just couldn''t care less about their ''family''.

Reply to Anon