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Question
Posted by: Dotty | 2010/02/11

Need Advice

Doc,

I will be married for 7 yrs this year. My hubby and I are really different. I used to be the fun loving friendly person. I love going out - not to nightclubs, but romantic dinners, the movies, theatre and stuff like that. My hubby just likes being home and doing housework. Am not joking. Know anyone who irons clothes at 6am or 10pm?? Well my hubby does. He is never satisfied with any helpers I get and after they work for a month, he will ask me to get rod of her as she doesnt so things well.

Now we dont have a helper. I am more laid back. I get home at 6pm, cook, see to my child and get him to bed. Then I want to relax on the couch and watch a movie or read a book. I will iron over the weekend. No, my hubby wants everything done immediately. So he does it himself.

We really don' t have personal time. I don' t have anyone to talk to. I sometimes just want him to lie on the couch with me and we can cuddle up. But he saus there is no time for such things.

This is just one way we differ. He constantly makes comments about me being an incompetent mother. My child is 6 now and I want my child to be independent. I am a bad mother because I dont feed my child, but expect him to eat on his own. I also dont bathe my child, but watch him when he is bathing. I set his clothes on the bed for him and he must dress on his own. But I am a bad mum because these are things I should do for our child.

When my child gets scolding at music practice, its my fault. I wasnt the one that helped with him get it right. I don' t know how to talk to my child because I reprimand him when he doesn' t listen and ignores me. I am supposed to call him Love, and Angel all the time and to ask him to please do things in the house.

This morning I left out clothes for civvies day for him. He chose to wear his own choice of clothes. dad screamed at me and told me that I should act like a mother. It is my duty to dress him nicely. Why isn' t his hair combed nicely. Dad dresses him in the mornings for school and then feeds him cereal.

Doc, am I just a lousy mum, or is this overdoing it? i am tired of being criticized and told I am a bad mother.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

H expects your child of 6 to be spoon-fed rather than to eat by himself ? How ludicrous and crippling for the childc ! Surely I misunderstood what you said there ? YOur husband seems to have bizarre ideas about infantilizing your child, and treating the lad as incompetent, which in turn teaches the child to feel unable to trust himself or to be able to do simple self-care.
You are, as Sam suggests, entirely normal and reasonable, and an excellent mother. He may be of an obsessive personality type and pernickety as regards how he chooses to spend his time, but to insist that you teach a normal child of 6 as though he were an incapable infant, is ridiculous and potentially damaging. He needs to be in counselling himself, to gain more realistic ideas of the real world

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Our users say:
Posted by: Woman | 2010/02/11

Dotty, it seems like you are in an extremely abusive relationship here. I can read it in every word you type. Your self confidence is shattered, you don' t have any faith in yourself. You haven' t mentioned whether he does get physical or whether it' s only emotional. Please remember that you are the mother.This gives you the right to have a say on how he' s raised.

Please see a counselor as soon as possible! Call Famsa or Powa. You need to take your power back. I wish you all the luck in the world. Stay strong!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Dotty | 2010/02/11

I am sighing with relief here. I am trying to teach my child to be confident and to be able to do things for himself. And I know exactly what ur talking about. I have cousins like this and even my brothers expect things to be done for them. I don' t want my child to be like this. I want a confident, independent child.

Oh, my son still sleeps in our room as well. He has his own room and I have even decorated it.

How am i going to teac my child responsibility? i am not neglecting him. I get screamed at beacuse I haven' t bothered to take out his lunch box from his school bag in the evenings. I want him to do this himself. He must be able to set his bag as well for the next day.

Thank you so much Doc and Sam. I am normal after all!!

Reply to Dotty
Posted by: Sam | 2010/02/11

I' ve seen what' s become of my friends who were overly mothered as kids. They can' t keep jobs, and expect everthing to come to them, and fall in their laps. They can' t grasp the consept of doing things for themselfs, and also don' t have the confidence to do anything, because they' ve never done anything before.

At 5 I was able to bath myself, dress myself and see to my own breakfast. My one friend was 16, and would still call her mom to come bath her!!! You are on the right track in my opinion.

Reply to Sam
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/11

H expects your child of 6 to be spoon-fed rather than to eat by himself ? How ludicrous and crippling for the childc ! Surely I misunderstood what you said there ? YOur husband seems to have bizarre ideas about infantilizing your child, and treating the lad as incompetent, which in turn teaches the child to feel unable to trust himself or to be able to do simple self-care.
You are, as Sam suggests, entirely normal and reasonable, and an excellent mother. He may be of an obsessive personality type and pernickety as regards how he chooses to spend his time, but to insist that you teach a normal child of 6 as though he were an incapable infant, is ridiculous and potentially damaging. He needs to be in counselling himself, to gain more realistic ideas of the real world

Reply to cybershrink

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