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Question
Posted by: Yvette | 2010/01/26

Need advice

I really need some good advice here. Don' t know what to do.
We are immigrating to Aus end of March, and my husband already started working there beginning of Jan. Last night I was sorting through all our cd' s to see what is going and what is staying.
Anyway, I found a writable cd titled ' Backup' . So I popped the cd into my laptop to see what was on it. It was some of my husband' s work files etc. Amongst the files I saw one named ' Contacts' . So I opened the file and saw the name of a company where my husband purchased some woodworking things a few years ago, next to it the name of a lady, her cell nr and a hotmail e-mail address.

I immediately felt uneasy about him having the private contact details of someone whom he supposedly would have seen once in his life in a shop. So I decided to take a chance and send her a short e-mail, asking how they knew each other.

To my surprise she replied to my mail and said they met at this specific woodworking shop. She aslo said that she did not want to cause any trouble, but that if I suspected him of anything, I should go with my gut feeling. And that was all. So, I don' t know what to make of it.

I asked my husband if he knew this girl who worked at the shop, and he tried to avoid answering by asking stupid questions. Eventually he denied knowing her and said it was too long ago to remember. He then said I must continue my investigation and see what i can find out...

So, what bothers me is the fact that she knows exactly who he is, but he denies knowing anything about her. And why would he have her personal contact details and not the shop' s contact details.

My husband is making me feel ridiculous for being suspicious about this, but is handling this situation poorly. I don' t know what to do. Do I have reason to be upset about this whole thing?

Also, do I now go to Australia or not. I need to make arrangements, buy my plane ticked, but at the moment everything is on hold until I can get more info.

Please let me know what you think about all this.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Her response seems odd, and rather suggests that something, howver possibly minor, may have happened, some time ago. If it were currently active, one would expect him to have been more cautious about the CDs he'd have left lying around.
And I wonder whether you had some other reason for digging into the CD, into a contacts file that must have contained many boring and uninteresting ones, to discover this ?
Its marginally possible, I suppose, that if this shop was relevant to his business or even hobbies, some shops still don't have e-mail addresses, etc., and someone might be supplied with the e-mail of a shop-assistant if there was need for such contact.

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6
Our users say:
Posted by: fletch | 2010/01/28

I have to admit first that i am a man, and maybe my response may be deemed to be biased, but how insecure are you to react over looking at your husband' s contact list, unless there is something in your past that you have not sharedhere, but seing a name in a contact list should not raise any redflags at all, My phone has approcimately 400 phone numbers, i meet a lot of people everyday, and phone numbers, emails etc are exchanged on a daily bases, some people know me more than i know them, and vise versa, for some i even realise when im saving the number that its already there in my phone, im sure if my wife were to go through my phone she would have headache, and worse embarass herself, and me in the process, which im sure is what is happening here. As youn can see both parties are mocking you, because this is some what an embarrassing situation, for you,and your husband as well. I do not wish to have a wife who can do that to us. If you have any problems with your husband, he should be the first person you should question, and should he give you any questionable answer, then you can take it further. I think the problem you have is far greater than this sms, and it might even be related to your emigration. Address that first, and do not embarrass yourself or your husband in the process. A number on my contact list is hardly any ground for divorce , later on an argument of this magnitude. By the way, how would you feel if he also went through your contact list, and started phoning everyone on the list,.......are you even sure your defination of your relationship with all those on your list, is the same with them as well.

Reply to fletch
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2010/01/26

I am responding according to my personal beliefs and trying to put myself in your shoes. Personally, I am not able to accept any form of infidelity and I am no prude. I regard infidelity as any form of " over friendliness"  touching, hugging flirting etc, between married partners. There can be no suspicion as to who one might be in touch with, SMS' s etc EVERYTHING must be above board. I would not be able to handle the stress of suspecting my partner even in the slightest way of making inappropriate contact with a member of the opposite sex. These little shows of affection is how it all starts. The signals go out and sometimes they are acted upon and sometimes they just fall flat. The point is the temptation is there. I would seriously consider my future options, especially if your husband had done this type of thing in the past. This response to your questions by the way are simply pathetic and unaccceptable. You deserve more.

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Big Girl | 2010/01/26

As much as it hurts or frustrates you, after the search and all the investigations, are you going to divorce him? Let it go. What you don' t know is better off.
What were you expecting him to do or say, acknowledge that he knows the person and had an affair....
I understand it' s difficult, learn this, THINGS YOU DON' T HAVE CONTROL OVER, LEARN TO ACCEPT AND LIVE WITH, THOSE THAT YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER, MASTER THEM.

Reply to Big Girl
Posted by: Woman. | 2010/01/26

Something' s up. You' re going to have to make some decisions here. You have to decide whether he had an affair. Was it once or has he cheated before? Once you have the answer to that, then you decide whether your marriage will survive an affair. If you think it can, then go to your husband. If you don' t think your marriage can survive an affair, then stay. If you have doubts, go. One cannot give up on a marriage just like that. On the other hand, if you have decided that you can not/ will not forgive, take steps to end it

Reply to Woman.
Posted by: Woman. | 2010/01/26

Something' s up. You' re going to have to make some decisions here. You have to decide whether he had an affair. Was it once or has he cheated before? Once you have the answer to that, then you decide whether your marriage will survive an affair. If you think it can, then go to your husband. If you don' t think your marriage can survive an affair, then stay. If you have doubts, go. One cannot give up on a marriage just like that. On the other hand, if you have decided that you can not/ will not forgive, take steps to end it

Reply to Woman.
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/26

Her response seems odd, and rather suggests that something, howver possibly minor, may have happened, some time ago. If it were currently active, one would expect him to have been more cautious about the CDs he'd have left lying around.
And I wonder whether you had some other reason for digging into the CD, into a contacts file that must have contained many boring and uninteresting ones, to discover this ?
Its marginally possible, I suppose, that if this shop was relevant to his business or even hobbies, some shops still don't have e-mail addresses, etc., and someone might be supplied with the e-mail of a shop-assistant if there was need for such contact.

Reply to cybershrink

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