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Question
Posted by: Cat | 2012-06-22

Need a break from relationship

Hello there

I''m so mixed up at the moment. I am not happy in my relationship and although the problems may seem small and petty that can be sorted out it does not help the way I am feeling.

I get no affection from my boyfriend. Although he shows his love in other ways such as cooking for me and taking me out many times and always paying for lunch or drinks or whatever, I am seeking more than just that. He''s not buying my love either. He is more focused on building up his career to get promoted which is more than ok to me. He''s doing it so that we may have a stable lifestyle. I am extremely grateful that he wants to secure us financially but man oh man I am just not happy. I am trying hard to explain how I am feeling.

When I am upset I find it hard to express to him why I am upset and then it gets turned around that I am at fault and I am always the first to apologise to him. I feel like it is wrong for me to be upset. All I want from him is to ask me why am I upset. Am I being very vague here or what but every argument leads to me apologising profusely every single time. I feel like I am not allowed to be upset. My keeping in my feelings and it''s building up so much that I am going to explode and blow things up out of proportion.

I show so much affection towards him but I get nothing in return. I am not feeling any physical love and I am craving it so much.

I strongly need to spend time on my own and I don''t know how to tell him. Perhaps he is probably feeling the same way for all I know. He never tells me how he feels either.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I am sceptical about the basic concept of expecting to solve relationship problems by withdrawing from the relationship - that's like assuming you will improve your tennis game by not playing tennis for a couple of years.
Your main complaint seems to be that your bf is not showing his affection to you IN THE WAY YOU WANT - apparently he does show it in other ways, which appear to be sincerely meant by him.
Why on earth not seek help from a couples counsellor, to help you each to understand the other's wishes and intentions, improve the translation of feelings and gestures, and aim to reach a more informed and realistic assessment of the chances of this becoming happy long-term relationship or not.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Mandisa | 2012-06-22

If you are only in a relationship and you need to read a book because your relationship is in trouble - forget it - it will never work. Move on.

Reply to Mandisa
Posted by: Maria | 2012-06-22

Most men are not that fantastic at telling you how they feel. I suggest you get a book called " The Five Love Languages"  from Gary Chapman, which will give you some insight into why you don''t feel your needs are being met. Maybe his needs are not being met either and he doesn''t even know it, or know how to express it. If he is willing to work through the book with you (or at least do the questionnaire), it could enrich your relationship. If he isn''t willing to work on things at all then you need to think very carefully about where all of this is leading.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-06-22

I am sceptical about the basic concept of expecting to solve relationship problems by withdrawing from the relationship - that's like assuming you will improve your tennis game by not playing tennis for a couple of years.
Your main complaint seems to be that your bf is not showing his affection to you IN THE WAY YOU WANT - apparently he does show it in other ways, which appear to be sincerely meant by him.
Why on earth not seek help from a couples counsellor, to help you each to understand the other's wishes and intentions, improve the translation of feelings and gestures, and aim to reach a more informed and realistic assessment of the chances of this becoming happy long-term relationship or not.

Reply to cybershrink

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